Top 100 Bill Maher Quotes
#1. If the NRA keeps messing with the President's daughters, they're going to have to start worrying about Michelle Obama's guns.
Bill Maher
#2. We've created over 200,000 jobs every month this year. Hasn't happened in 17 years. I guess my first question is, when do the Republicans stop calling it 'Obama's economy'?
Bill Maher
#3. America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent.
Bill Maher
#5. Whoever needs the relationship less has all the power.
Bill Maher
#6. A new biography of Madonna came out last week, and apparently the biography lists all the men she's slept with. The book is apparently called the Manhattan Telephone Directory.
Bill Maher
#7. The president finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 9/11 for 7 minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was 'collecting his thoughts.' What a time to start a new hobby.'
Bill Maher
#8. Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card.
Bill Maher
#9. Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Bill Maher
#10. Why are the patriots the ones who don't want to spend money on trains?
Bill Maher
#11. Only a Bush could answer a 'yes' or 'no' question two different ways and be wrong both times.
Bill Maher
#12. New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife." Please
the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal french fries from a baby.
Bill Maher
#13. New Rule: You don't need a paper shredder. I've seen your mail
it's not that interesting. What are you worried about, that the magazine from the auto club might fall into the wrong hands? I hate to break it to you 007, but the Victoria's Secret catalog isn't actually a secret.
Bill Maher
#14. New rule: Stop calling it Obamacare. It's not like Obama will be the doctor for
your next prostate exam. That's just a common fantasy of Republican men.
Bill Maher
#15. Women are also property in our bible; adultery is a property crime in the Old Testament, not a sex crime.
Bill Maher
#16. I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.
Bill Maher
#17. To paraphrase the great Will Rogers, El Rusho never met a pharmacist he did not like.
Bill Maher
#18. New Rule: Stop calling bagpipes a musical instrument. They're actually a Scottish Breathalyzer test. You blow into one end, and if the sound that comes out the other end doesn't make you want to kill yourself
you're not drunk enough.
Bill Maher
#19. 40% of homicides go unsolved. You know, it's not a very good record. And, also, 95% of convictions in America come from plea bargaining, which is often coerced. It's like we have the worst of both worlds. We don't convict the guilty enough, and we coerce the innocent too much.
Bill Maher
#20. I'm staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.
Bill Maher
#21. Rick Perry said Obama's suggestions for gun control disgust him. He said the real answer to this problem isn't laws, it's prayer. You know, i know you're not supposed to say this about elected officials, but I would pay to see Rick Perry defend himself against a school shooter with prayer.
Bill Maher
#22. I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation.
Bill Maher
#23. We're a complacent society, hard to get riled up in the first place, and then when we do, it's misdirected.
Bill Maher
#24. Religion is detrimental to the progress of society.
Bill Maher
#25. I don't know anyone less Jesus like than Christians.
Bill Maher
#26. When I was 5-years-old, I knew who Khrushchev was.
Bill Maher
#27. Mitt Romney was attacking Obama about our failing education system. He has a point. We are graduating millions of people in this country who are so lacking in basic analytical skills, they are considering voting for Mitt Romney.
Bill Maher
#28. Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.
Bill Maher
#29. I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country.
Bill Maher
#30. Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on that.
Bill Maher
#31. Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.
Bill Maher
#32. Well, I hate to tell youbut if you have a flu shot for more than five years in a row, there's ten times the likelihood that you'll get Alzheimer's disease.
Bill Maher
#33. A lot of people have warned President Clinton that Bosnia will turn into another Vietnam, which would be embarrassing for him because he'll have to go back to college.
Bill Maher
#34. Please stop assuming that longevity and perfect health is always the correct option. No. Sometimes fun costs ya. It just does, you know? And that's OK, you're willing to make that purchase. Sammy Davis, Jr. was 64 when he died. Give me 64 Sammy-years, I'll be happy.
Bill Maher
#35. This is America. We don't have adult discussions. We have Twitter.
Bill Maher
#36. Men are only as loyal as their options.
Bill Maher
#37. New Rule: President Bush must stop acting like WE'RE the idiots. He gives speech after speech, and the theme is always the same; 'What part of freedom don't you get, you morons?'. I'll answer that for you Mr. President. The part where you give it to people by blowing them up.
Bill Maher
#38. All I did was tell the truth. That's is what the whole show is about! And if Politically Incorrect has to go down for it, so be it!
Bill Maher
#39. Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.
Bill Maher
#40. Why can't God just defeat the devil and get rid of evil? It's the same reason the comic book character can't get rid of his nemesis; then there's no story.
Bill Maher
#41. It's been over a year since they've graduated, but neither of the Bush twins have found any work. Why don't they sign up (for military service in Iraq)? Do they hate America, or just freedom in general?
Bill Maher
#42. You can't get saved if you don't play.
Bill Maher
#43. This Ted Cruz guy, I mean, he incurred the wrath, really, of his own party. They don't like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus, he's the one guy she refuses to lick.
Bill Maher
#44. March Madnesss ... the only place where you hear 'Kansas is advancing.'
Bill Maher
#45. I have two dogs. If I had retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet, the dogs are pretty much the same thing.
Bill Maher
#46. You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money.
Bill Maher
#47. When the enemy gets to your citadel, your prided epicenter, everything's in play.
Bill Maher
#48. You know ... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time ... husband!!!
Bill Maher
#49. BP today finally managed to almost completely stop the flow of information.
Bill Maher
#50. You talk about 'Obama is going to herd us into FEMA brainwashing camps.' Maybe your brain needs a little washing.
Bill Maher
#51. He sold Syria way better than he sold this.
Bill Maher
#52. Ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you
Bill Maher
#53. To even win a nomination in this country, you have to say you're a person of great faith. You have to pledge to the people out there that you put your faith in things that are unable to be proven - that you suspend critical thinking as the way to go.
Bill Maher
#54. If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it's not because he's gifted. It's because intellectually, you're a child.
Bill Maher
#55. When did the business community in America become so sensitive? ... that we have to treat like some type of rare exotic animal - don't startle them or they'll fly away! ... we need to soothe them so they can nest here and lay their magic eggs full of jobs! - WHICH NEVER HATCH BY THE WAY!!! ...
Bill Maher
#56. It just seems like the culture war is over, and the gay kissers won.
Bill Maher
#57. New Rule: Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And I'm not talking about this past Easter. I'm talking about the last time I celebrated Easter, in 1962.
Bill Maher
#58. Republicans: 'we fought the good fight' - yeah, it woulda been worth it if we could have prevented just one poor kid from getting a free inhaler.
Bill Maher
#59. What is with this campy fixation on all things Ronald Reagan? They talk about him the way gay people talk about Barbra Streisand. I think they just want him on a stamp so they can lick his ass. I think they only named an airport after him so they can say, I'm coming into Reagan!
Bill Maher
#60. Every time [Rand Paul] opens his mouth, it gets a little crazier. Today he angrily demanded that the liberal media stop quoting him in context.
Bill Maher
#61. I always say to my religious friends, if a pool had even one turd in it, would you jump in?
Bill Maher
#62. I think the funniest stuff comes from the heaviest stuff.
Bill Maher
#63. My father was a news guy, you know, he was in radio news. And so that was sort of in my DNA. It was something we talked about at the dinner table when I was a kid.
Bill Maher
#64. In no way was I intending to say, nor have I ever thought, that the men and women who defend our nation in uniform are anything but courageous and valiant, and I offer my apologies to anyone who took it wrong.
Bill Maher
#65. Sometimes I'm dragging my ass out to the airport at 8 a.m. on a Saturday and I'm wondering why I'm doing this, but once I walk on stage I know why ... because I'm addicted.
Bill Maher
#66. Don't wear bacon cologne. If you put on ... you know what? Screw it. Wear it. If you are the type of guy who is tempted to wear bacon cologne, it's not like you could get laid any less.
Bill Maher
#67. Treason is when legislators vote against homeland security measures because it goes against the wishes of their political or financial backers. Treason is the fact that, as a terrorist, you could still buy a gun in this country because the NRA lobby is so strong.
Bill Maher
#68. It was quite a sight to see Obama next to President Hu. Obama has a Nobel Peace Prize in his basement, and Hu has a Nobel Peace Prize winner in his.
Bill Maher
#69. Osama bin Laden put out a new video. The timing of this video has some people upset, three days before we vote. It looks like he's trying to influence the election. And I'll tell you, it's not going to work. Americans know Osama bin Laden does not pick our president. The Supreme Court does.
Bill Maher
#70. Republicans stand by their convictions. Stupid, ignorant, world-destroying convictions based on disproven economic fantasies and ancient books full of primitive morality and magic people. But convictions, nonetheless.
Bill Maher
#71. If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, you'd resign in protest.
Bill Maher
#72. Also, in the category of 'obvious but still shocking,' an animal called a 'killer whale' killed someone who was trying to play with it. Now, no one knows exactly what enraged the whale, but earlier in the week, it had been thrown off a flight by Southwest Airlines.
Bill Maher
#73. I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting.
Bill Maher
#74. It's so childish, greatest country in the world. It's like saying, I have the best wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the best wife in the world. And if you could have my wife, you'd kill your wife.
Bill Maher
#75. The Republicans proved they are not the party of 'no.' They're the party of 'f**k, no!'
Bill Maher
#76. North Korea has the same ability to launch a nuclear strike against America as I do. It's like walking through a parking lot and getting barked at by a chihuahua locked in a car.
Bill Maher
#77. I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.
Bill Maher
#78. Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It's kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald's and not eat the fries on the way home.
Bill Maher
#79. Newt Gingrich was campaigning at a zoo this week and he was bitten by a penguin. Newt Gingrich is always campaigning at zoos. Mitt Romney once did a photo op at a zoo. That was a big mistake, because he stood next to the chameleon, and HE changed colors.
Bill Maher
#80. The First Amendment was specifically designed for citizens to insult politicians. Libel laws were written to protect law students speaking out on political issues from getting called whores by Oxycontin addicts.
Bill Maher
#81. If you want to get rich with a tax free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church.
Bill Maher
#82. I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider - and also FOX News makes people stupider.
Bill Maher
#83. We don't do sensible things. This is America.
Bill Maher
#84. There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.
Bill Maher
#85. Look, I have never made a secret of the fact that I have tried marijuana ... About 50,000 times.
Bill Maher
#86. This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.
Bill Maher
#87. Stand-up is great because I can get everything off my chest.
Bill Maher
#88. I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author.
Bill Maher
#89. Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.
Bill Maher
#90. I feel like I'm wearing orthopedic shoes, because I stand corrected.
Bill Maher
#91. I'll clue you in on a secret: death is not the worst thing that could happen to you. I know we think that; we are the first society ever to think that. It's not worse than dishonor; it's not worse than losing your freedom; its not worse than losing a sense of personal responsibility.
Bill Maher
#92. Republicans have pounced. They're outraged. They say, 'How dare you lie about caring for the people who got hurt in the war we lied them into?'
Bill Maher
#93. A flu shot is the worst thing you can do.
Bill Maher
#94. If there is such a thing as karma, let's hope that Sarah Palin comes back as a wolf being shot at from a plane.
Bill Maher
#95. We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
Bill Maher
#96. Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can't the rest of us make them go away?!
Bill Maher
#98. New Rule: You can't put a windmill in your campaign ad if you voted against every single bill that might lead to someone building one. As long as you're sending a camera crew to a farm, why not just take a picture of actual bullshit?
Bill Maher
#99. Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, even though he's been dead for forty years, he's still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership for a Drug-Free America!
Bill Maher
#100. Eric Holder, our attorney general, says the Mr. Snowden will be brought to justice. Just as soon as we can find someone who can track his calls and read his emails.
Bill Maher
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
