Alan Partridge Quotes

#1. He is also a keen cook, gardener and birder. He has no middle fingers on one hand, so he can't swear but is permanently doing the heavy metal sign.

Alan Partridge

#2. Like the name of a cartoon Belgian detective said in a Scottish accent, it's 10:10.'11 It

Alan Partridge

#3. Like a good-looking John Merrick, mine was a face that looked really shit.

Alan Partridge

#4. For three long days, I felt the cold hand of death on my shoulder. Lost in the depths of despair I tried to figure out what I had done to deserve this. I wasn't an evil person. The worst thing I'd ever done was kick a pig - School trip to Heston Farm, 1964, I maintain it was self-defence.

Alan Partridge

#5. Sadly, I can't say the same for my Father, who is probably in a different place - Hell.

Alan Partridge

#6. Hello, Alan." said Carol's dad Keith.
"Hello, Alan." said Carol's mum, Stella, not bothering to think of a greeting of her own.

Alan Partridge

#7. Her yelling continues until I answer the door to find her on her knees shouting through the letterbox, like a gynaecologist bellowing into a woman.

Alan Partridge

#8. I woke with a start. At first I assumed I'd trumped myself awake again .

Alan Partridge

#9. Meanwhile, for those of you on crowded public transport who chose not to say the words aloud, you'll feel no different, and that's your own fault because, as I say, you lack class and are assholes.

Alan Partridge

#10. Surveillance isn't easy, though. You'll need warm clothes, a camera with telephoto lens, two Thermos flasks (one for tea, t'other for wee) and for God's sake remember your sandwiches.

Alan Partridge

#11. The father, Trevor, was an asthmatic, but what he lacked in being able to breath quietly, he more than made up for with parental skills.

Alan Partridge

#12. Snowflakes fell from the sky like tiny pieces of a snowman who had stood on a landmine.

Alan Partridge

#13. 1974 was a crazy, hazy time for Alan Partridge. The Sixties had come to East Anglia and it was a time of free thinking, free love and in my case free university accommodation.

Alan Partridge

#14. Putting a damp spoon back in the bowl is the tea-drinking equivalent of sharing a needle. And I did not want to end up with the tea-drinking equivalent of AIDS.

Alan Partridge

#15. A friend of mine once said he like his women like his parmesan: strong smelling and shaved. I don't agree with that, but I don't like hairy women.

Alan Partridge

#16. my remarkable walked

Alan Partridge

#17. Well suited to those with large shoulders and feet like spades, swimming enjoyed a boost in popularity in Victorian times when, due to advancements in water husbandry, we were able to domesticate H2O, trapping large amounts of it in four-sided pits or 'pools'. I

Alan Partridge

#18. Tears streamed down my face. I was so happy I wanted to shout it from the rooftop. But at the same time I knew that that afternoon's downpour would have made the slate tiles so slippery that achieving any kind of purchase would have been impossible.

Alan Partridge