Alan Coren Quotes

#1. Enjoy your life today because yesterday had gone and tomorrow may never come

Alan Coren

#2. Malta is the only country in the world where the local delicacy is the bread.

Alan Coren

#3. The word "souvenir" has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless; but even today, ninety per cent of the items covered by the word are forgettable objects in which cigarettes can be left to go stale.

Alan Coren

#4. I wonder sometimes if manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

Alan Coren

#5. Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren't called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?)

Alan Coren

#6. Ethnically, the Germans are Teutonic ... being made up of Vandals, Gepidae, and Goths, all of whom emigrated - south from Sweden in about 500 BC; why they emigrated is not exactly clear, but many scholars believe it was because they saw the way Sweden was going, i.e. neutral.

Alan Coren

#7. The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.

Alan Coren

#8. Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.

Alan Coren

#9. To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.

Alan Coren

#10. Television is more interesting than people. If it were not we should have people standing in the corner of our room.

Alan Coren

#11. The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you.

Alan Coren

#12. Disneyworld ... is a historical reconstruction as sanitised as the Kremlin's, and a future vision as uncognisant of contemporary pointers as Peter Pan's. It is a magic carpet under which everything has been swept.

Alan Coren

#13. Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea.

Alan Coren

#14. Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear.

Alan Coren

#15. There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn't all the water gush out when you get in?

Alan Coren

#16. A humorist tells himself every morning, "I hope it's going to be a rough day." When things are going well, it's much harder to make the right jokes.

Alan Coren

#17. Having lost the last war, they are currently enjoying a Wirtschaftswunder , which can be briefly translated as The best way to own a Mercedes is to build one.

Alan Coren

#18. All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.

Alan Coren

#19. Remember: Enjoy your life today, because yesterday has gone and tomorrow may never come.

Alan Coren

#20. 10.30 Newsnight: What Are The Chances Of World War Three Breaking Out After You Have Gone To Bed?

Alan Coren

#21. Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality.

Alan Coren