Wendy Liebman Quotes

#1. The only way to really have safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.

Wendy Liebman

#2. I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.

Wendy Liebman

#3. I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.

Wendy Liebman

#4. I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one.

Wendy Liebman

#5. Peace is the best time for improvement and preparation of every kind; it is in peace that our commerce flourishes most, that taxes are most easily paid, and that the revenue is most productive.

James Monroe

#6. In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.

Wendy Liebman

#7. We honor the heritage of all who come here, no matter where they come from, because we trust in our country's genius for making us all Americans - one nation under God.

George W. Bush

#8. I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

Wendy Liebman

#9. I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.

Wendy Liebman

#10. Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

Wendy Liebman

#11. I've been pitching a show of five female stand-up comedians through the generations, from Phyllis Diller to Amy Schumer, so when I got an e-mail asking me if I would participate in the Women in Comedy Festival, I was thrilled.

Wendy Liebman

#12. I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.

Wendy Liebman

#13. I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.

Wendy Liebman

#14. My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

Wendy Liebman

#15. When the economy changes, it's not like you want to start eating bad-tasting chocolate.

Olivier Theyskens

#16. My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

Wendy Liebman

#17. I don't mind if someone thinks I'm a sell out. I go to bed happy knowing I do what I do and I'm not doing anything for reasons of money, and if I were trying to pick up chicks, I'm doing a horrible job. And if I wanted to drive awesome cars, I'm doing a really bad job there too.

Patrick Stump

#18. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

Wendy Liebman

#19. I'm trying to think of other ones. Oh, yeah, I'd say - somebody would buy something and we'd say, and because you are our hundredth customer today, you get a free paperback.

Steve Martin

#20. My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

Wendy Liebman

#21. People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them ... Well, it's killing me!

Wendy Liebman

#22. Some brave chrysanthemums still stood in the country gardens, but they looked like bedraggled survivors of a battle, barely able to hold their tattered banners upright. October was at the gates and autumn was in full retreat.

Patricia Moyes

#23. I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.

Wendy Liebman

#24. I took an acting class. After the first day, the teacher quit, so they said take another. When I saw 'How to be a Stand-up Comedian,' it resonated. I realized I'd rather make 200 people laugh than make one person cry.

Wendy Liebman