This Week's Funny Famous Quotes & Sayings

List of top 50 famous quotes and sayings about this week's funny to read and share with friends on your Facebook, Twitter, blogs.

Top 50 This Week's Funny Quotes

#1. I turned around to see Jim standing in the aisle with a smirk and a box of tampons in his hand.
Very funny asshole. Looks like you're on the rag this week. Make sure to get yourself some Midol and a copy of Terms of Endearment so you can have yourself a good cry. - Author: Tara Sivec
This Week's Funny Quotes #1131691
#2. Seahawks beat Cardinals, 58-0. If Patriots beat Texans, 58-0, it will be first time in NFL history there were two 58-0 games in same week. - Author: Norman Chad
This Week's Funny Quotes #882550
#3. Sorry. My friends didn't mention certain ... details about you and you just wouldn't believe how nutty some people are. Just last week, I had a woman convinced her trailer was haunted by Tupac, as if he'd want to spend eternity in a double wide that smelled like cat piss. - Author: Jeaniene Frost
This Week's Funny Quotes #906025
#4. Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week. - Author: Lewis Black
This Week's Funny Quotes #911414
#5. It's so funny because if you tweet your lyrics and then you hear it in a song next week, you're like, 'Hey I had that same idea.' I'm very secretive with my music. We have to send emails password protected. Because once that song gets out, you aren't selling that thing. - Author: Ester Dean
This Week's Funny Quotes #978685
#6. I can go for a week without a guitar, but it's not even funny if I don't get to surf for a month. - Author: Jack Johnson
This Week's Funny Quotes #979685
#7. Grand Slams are funny things. You have to try to find a way to get through the first week and put yourself in a position in the second week. A lot of strange things happen. - Author: Lleyton Hewitt
This Week's Funny Quotes #993118
#8. I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair. - Author: Doug Stanhope
This Week's Funny Quotes #1001638
#9. Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. - Author: Henny Youngman
This Week's Funny Quotes #1007239
#10. I survived a divorce, no children and come to Paris three days per week. My cat ran away on a love adventure; don't know when he will be back. - Author: Tionne Rogers
This Week's Funny Quotes #1020125
#11. Is that the biggest favor your vocal cords have done to anyone this week? - Author: Pawan Mishra
This Week's Funny Quotes #1043432
#12. I was the female lead in a romantic comedy. It's a little indie film that we shot in China called 'America Town,' starring Daniel Henney and Bill Paxton. I actually had to speak Chinese in the film. It was funny because I found out I was doing the film and then a week later, I was in Shanghai. - Author: Eliza Coupe
This Week's Funny Quotes #1071156
Must be literate and possess a keen intellect and open mind.
Strong stomach preferred.
Inquire at 926 Augur Lane.
Do not stare at the frog. - Author: William Ritter
This Week's Funny Quotes #1077980
#14. I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees ... - Author: Mike Birbiglia
This Week's Funny Quotes #880537
#15. That night we danced, I marked you as mine and I made it stick. There wasn't a boy or a man on that lake that didn't know who you belonged to, and the minute there was even a whiff one of them was stepping over the line, they walked funny for a week. - Author: Lora Leigh
This Week's Funny Quotes #1267857
#16. CONFESSION NO. 1 Most women find the bloating, cramping, and bitchiness of PMS bothersome at worst. I turn into a monster a week before my period ... literally.
- Author: Ronda Thompson
This Week's Funny Quotes #1306133
#17. Since the goal of my programs is to show audiences how humor can both help them heal as well as deal with not-so-funny stuff, I decided to discuss the events of the previous week, the pain all of us were feeling, and how humor and some laughter might be beneficial. - Author: Allen Klein
This Week's Funny Quotes #1307492
#18. Funny enough, I sit on my porch all day, wave and smile at everyone. Some of them aren't sure, some smiles right back, some come back later and say; "This morning you made my day, had the best day all week, thank you for that!" Smile and wave, that's all it takes - Author: Martin R. Lemieux
This Week's Funny Quotes #1323413
#19. Lotto fever hit New York again this week, and like the old saying goes, 'You gotta be in it to win it' ... but first, you gotta have a dead end job so pathetic you're willing to kill five hours standing in line for a 1 in 25 million chance. - Author: Dennis Miller
This Week's Funny Quotes #1329034
#20. I like the idea of being out there regularly with an audience and with a funny gang of people. That's what I grew up with - doing television, doing shows every week. - Author: Eric Idle
This Week's Funny Quotes #1339542
#21. It's funny how quickly tomorrow becomes yesterday and then last week and then you run out of time. - Author: Michelle Gable
This Week's Funny Quotes #1385561
#22. I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four. - Author: Tommy Cooper
This Week's Funny Quotes #1395741
#23. Let The Rock understand this, he beats your ass in cage match last week and now your the number 1 contender? Well The Rock knows exactly why that is; you've got a three foot nose you turn it sideways and stick it straight up Vince's ass! - Author: Dwayne Johnson
This Week's Funny Quotes #1431192
#24. If you have time for just three status updates a week, make one promotional, one funny or interesting (containing a picture or video) and one promoting somebody else. - Author: David P. Perlmutter
This Week's Funny Quotes #1453322
#25. There's not a single job in this town. There's nothin', nada, zip. Unless you wanna workforty hours a week. - Author: Jeff Daniels
This Week's Funny Quotes #1767805
#26. A week is a long time in politics, and three weeks is twice as long. - Author: Rosie Barnes
This Week's Funny Quotes #323145
#27. When I play discos in Belfast or freshers' week in Oxford, there are 1,800 kids dressed as me. It's odd, it's funny, and it pays really well. - Author: David Hasselhoff
This Week's Funny Quotes #34299
#28. I never really write the jokes. I just sit down over a week or two and try to figure out what I want to talk about. Once I narrow that down, then I start working on the material, like "How do I make this stuff funny?" - Author: Chris Rock
This Week's Funny Quotes #56342
#29. My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week. - Author: Henny Youngman
This Week's Funny Quotes #124668
#30. You can drink pickle juice and imitate gorillas and do silly dances and sing stupid songs and wear funny hats and be as imperfect as you please and still be a good person. Good people are hard to find nowadays. And they're a lot more fun than perfect people any day of the week. - Author: Stephen Manes
This Week's Funny Quotes #139333
#31. I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off! - Author: Henny Youngman
This Week's Funny Quotes #159316
#32. It was funny how you could still know little things about people, like where they kept their tin, even though you didn't know what they were thinking from one week to the next. - Author: Nick Hornby
This Week's Funny Quotes #161929
#33. Business, like life, is funny. We all go through difficult times, and we all have to face curve balls and challenges, each and every week. And we need to laugh when things are funny. - Author: Ronnie Apteker
This Week's Funny Quotes #171278
#34. I went to New York for Fashion Week and girls showed up waiting to see me. It's funny because there's a group of girls who I actually recognize because they always show up. It's nice and I'm like, 'Hi girls! I recognize your faces!' It's just like a feel-good experience. - Author: Katie Cassidy
This Week's Funny Quotes #172023
#35. Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week. - Author: Groucho Marx
This Week's Funny Quotes #259087
#36. My guys saw you on Fremont last week, Dan. You know what they saw you doing?" "Their mothers?" I replied. "Funny," he said and turned back to Juliette. - Author: Craig Schaefer
This Week's Funny Quotes #305432
#37. Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy. - Author: Noel Fielding
This Week's Funny Quotes #314123
#38. I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely. - Author: Rodney Dangerfield
This Week's Funny Quotes #315348
#39. Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?" - Author: Anthony Griffin
This Week's Funny Quotes #22780
#40. We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed ... But we're going back next week. - Author: Groucho Marx
This Week's Funny Quotes #512188
#41. In preschool, I would plan out my show-and-tell every week to be funny and exciting. Then in first grade I wrote a play, and my classmates and I performed it as a puppet show. - Author: Maxim Knight
This Week's Funny Quotes #522352
#42. Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?" - Author: Frank Carson
This Week's Funny Quotes #638813
#43. I told you not to drink that much water on the drive," Sarah told her. "You never listen to me."
"Sorry I don't have the bladder of a freaking sloth."
"You mean camel," Sarah corrected.
"I meant sloth," the other girl said. "I read somewhere they only have to go once a week. - Author: Alexandra Bracken
This Week's Funny Quotes #654972
#44. This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in 10,000 pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over 14,000 dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him. - Author: Tina Fey
This Week's Funny Quotes #655294
#45. If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room. - Author: Richard Kadrey
This Week's Funny Quotes #696405
#46. the team will say "We can't get anything done in a week." I generally ask them, "Well, can you get anything done in a day, then?" They'll reply that they cannot, and I'll ask them why they plan to come in tomorrow if they aren't going to do anything. Haha, very funny. Except serious. - Author: Anonymous
This Week's Funny Quotes #744947
#47. While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach. - Author: Chelsea Handler
This Week's Funny Quotes #775251
#48. Ideally, each week, I'd like to have rad, intelligent, creative, funny guests with different takes on the world of music. I will ask them all what their favorite blink-182 song is, and what they like best about me as a person. - Author: Mark Hoppus
This Week's Funny Quotes #816644
#49. Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth. - Author: Louis C.K.
This Week's Funny Quotes #823891
#50. All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. - Author: Henny Youngman
This Week's Funny Quotes #865726

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