Suicide Humor Quotes

#1. It's very hard not to commit cancer suicide in America.

Jonathan Ames

#2. Woolies had a DVD sale on so I treated myself to a couple or five plus two CD's, one of which is The Smiths. It'll come in handy when my credit card statement hits the mat and I need something to listen to that's conducive to suicide.

Gillibran Brown

#3. How did you get out of the suicide door?" Her disbelief was a living, pettable thing.
"Magic."
Her eyes narrowed. "There is no magic."
"Maybe not for you. But I'm from out of town.

Dia Reeves

#4. Anything that doesn't take years of your life and drive you to suicide hardly seems worth doing.

Cormac McCarthy

#5. My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

Anthony Jeselnik

#6. ( ... ) my money guy Richard is going without a tie now, like a politician who wants to appeal to the suffering common man (or perhaps every morning his firm takes the ties and shoelaces away from the brokers and financial planners to keep them from offing themselves)

Jess Walter

#7. Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose ... and when you revel in victory, make like it's a dirty win

Josh Stern

#8. A few of the savage creatures (rabids) I could deal with, but taking on this many ventured very close to suicide. Once was enough, thanks

Julie Kagawa

#9. At all events, let us examine the position from the point of view of murder, not suicide."
"Oh, all right. If you are on the scene, it probably would be murder!"
For a moment Poirot smiled. "I hardly like that remark.

Agatha Christie

#10. They watched the rain and downed their Cokes like a pair of diabetics in a suicide pact.

Paco Ignacio Taibo II

#11. I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building ... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

Steven Wright

#12. I would have killed myself years ago if it weren't for the fact that I'm pretty sure death is the only thing more terrible than life.

Alex Sargeant

#13. The suicide bombings have increased. There's too many of them.

George W. Bush

#14. Someone bent on suicide won't have much sense of humor left.

Chuck Palahniuk

#15. Part of her doing suicide intervention is my caseworker has to mix me another gin and tonic.

Chuck Palahniuk

#16. Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

Rodney Dangerfield

#17. I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L'Illustration. Something desperate, you know.

Albert Camus

#18. She was what we used to call a suicide blonde
dyed by her own hand.

Saul Bellow

#19. I am so stupid, so easily fooled. It's really almost funny. If I could lift a finger I would gladly kill myself.

Will Christopher Baer

#20. Okay but he has a case for you," she said again, her voice singsong.
"Don't care."
"It's right up your alley. There's been a rash of suicide notes."
"That's not right up my alley. That's, like, two blocks over from my alley.

Darynda Jones

#21. Cult Mother- Now what does your spirit animal say to you?
Thugs- Uhm...Uh...
-King Shark smashes through the roof-
King Shark- Hi. My name is Trixie. I like to party.

Adam Glass

#22. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Steven Wright

#23. I've always had these fantasies about being in a normal family in which the parents come to town and their adult daughter spends their entire visit daydreaming of suicide. I'm here to tell you that dreams really do come true.

Sarah Vowell

#24. Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.

Thomas Bernhard

#25. Billions of years before twelve step groups, God committed shotgun suicide. Today wall scrapings share His gratitude stories.

Brian Spellman

#26. Women, can't live with them, can't murder/suicide without them

Josh Stern

#27. You seem to know a lot about it," she said. "And you do subtleties."
"Yeah. Like I've always wanted to destroy the Nine Worlds while committing suicide."
"Well, there's no need to be rude," protested Sif.

Joanne Harris

#28. She's the princess. She commanded and I obeyed!"-Loki
"You don't obey a suicide mission!"-Finn

Amanda Hocking

#29. 6th grade. My dog, Katie, is hit by a car and killed. A mean girl during recess says it committed suicide because it didn't love me. I cry and swear revenge on mankind.

Eugene Mirman

#30. If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.

Mahatma Gandhi

#31. The nails from a suicide's coffin, and the skull of the parricide, were of course no trouble; for Vesquit never traveled without these household requisites.

Aleister Crowley

#32. HELENA. What a fine day! Not too hot. [A pause.]

VOITSKI. A fine day to hang oneself.

Anton Chekhov

#33. Women are constantly trying to commit suicide for love, but generally they take care not to succeed.

W. Somerset Maugham

#34. I've committed to nothing ... and that's just suicide ... by tiny, tiny increments.

Nick Hornby

#35. I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide.

George Carlin

#36. When someone detonates a suicide bomb, that person does not have career prospects.

P. J. O'Rourke

#37. Leontines were a tad on the possessive side, they didn't share space well, and they responded to an order as if it were a suicide wish and they were magic wands.

Michelle Sagara