Top 93 Smoove B Quotes
#1. You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.
J. B. Smoove
#2. I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.
J. B. Smoove
#3. You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?
J. B. Smoove
#4. People love things about Hollywood. People love to see the inside of what's going on.
J. B. Smoove
#5. Sometimes you got to put somebody in their place, let them know that you mean business and you're a grown ass man.
J. B. Smoove
#6. I steal scenes, I steal opportunities. I am the ultimate thief. I got sticky fingers, man. They all call me The Thief.
J. B. Smoove
#7. Before I got into stand-up, I used to be a hip-hop dancer in a crew, and my name was J. Smoove, and my partner was J. Groove.
J. B. Smoove
#8. Just broke up with somebody. Well, it wasn't really a break up, it was a booty call I might have took too serious.
J. B. Smoove
#9. I'm, like, everybody's friend. I'm one of those dudes. I can be friends with anybody. Any race of person, any personality, I can kind of deal with them. I accept different types of people.
J. B. Smoove
#10. I'm sure back in the Greek days or the Roman Empire days, when guys fought in arenas and were fighting lions, people were talking smack. Every era in history has someone talking smack. No way you can have talent and not proclaim your victory.
J. B. Smoove
#11. You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.
J. B. Smoove
#12. This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.
J. B. Smoove
#13. Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.
J. B. Smoove
#14. Father's Day just be Mother's Day the sequel.
J. B. Smoove
#15. I have my website, The Ruckus, which is an Internet site, similar to the Funny or Die format, where people post funny videos. I get a chance to rate their videos; they get a chance to blog and kick it with me.
J. B. Smoove
#17. I'm on my version of the protein diet, but there ain't no protein in it. It's a Krispy Kreme doughnut between two Cinnabons. And you soak it overnight in Red Bull. Then you chase it with a Snickers.
J. B. Smoove
#18. What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.
J. B. Smoove
#19. I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.
J. B. Smoove
#20. I am addicted to hockey now. I've seen it on TV, but to be there? I had no idea that white people were having so much fun without me.
J. B. Smoove
#21. I'm street smart. You can't con me. But that's just from living in New York. Now if a guy came from Mississippi somewhere, Ohio somewhere, to New York City for the first time, he don't have the street smarts. You can take him.
J. B. Smoove
#22. It's an ongoing joke that a black man is always the first one to get killed in movies.
J. B. Smoove
#23. Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.
J. B. Smoove
#24. You buy a new iPhone, a few months later, another new iPhone comes out, and you get online to buy another one. You can't get enough. You are addicted to Apple.
J. B. Smoove
#25. I can apply myself to the format of 'SNL,' I can apply myself to the format of 'Conan,' but at the same time, I'm still being J. B. Smoove. I'm not changing up my style, I'm not changing up how I think, what's funny to me, my delivery, the way I carry myself.
J. B. Smoove
#26. I believe, even when I'm doing my standup or my acting or whatever I'm doing, I believe in painting pictures.
J. B. Smoove
#27. Police blog or entertainment news, it's just good to see your name in print.
J. B. Smoove
#28. My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing.
J. B. Smoove
#29. True Yankees fans know an up-and-coming player when they see one.
J. B. Smoove
#30. You can't let people take advantage of you. Go get that ass.
J. B. Smoove
#31. I'm a thief. I steal scenes, I steal opportunities. I am the ultimate thief. I got sticky fingers.
J. B. Smoove
#32. I have big hands. I can't do the touch-screen thing. I'm a button guy. I want to press buttons.
J. B. Smoove
#33. I'm putting on a suit and tie when I go see The Great Gatsby.
J. B. Smoove
#34. I should be European, man. I'm long and lean. I'd look good in a trench coat.
J. B. Smoove
#35. All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.
J. B. Smoove
#36. I wouldn't want to be someone's roommate, that's for sure. You can't do certain things: you can't leave the bathroom door open ... you can't put your feet on the couch, you can't hide stuff in the couch.
J. B. Smoove
#37. Some of the best dramatic actors have started in comedy.
J. B. Smoove
#38. At the top of this list has to be "get in that ass". It's the ultimate Leonism to get you through life.
J. B. Smoove
#39. Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.
J. B. Smoove
#40. Sometimes, when you get a girl pregnant, you blame the condom. His condom broke that night.
J. B. Smoove
#41. It's not even race; it's a certain type of person that gets 'Pootie Tang.'
J. B. Smoove
#42. I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.
J. B. Smoove
#43. I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.
J. B. Smoove
#45. You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' - the variety of characters was so amazing to me.
J. B. Smoove
#46. Mel Gibson is losing it. I don't know how people still supporting this dude's movies like it's all good. That dude is nuts. All you gotta do is shut him down and don't support any of his movies.
J. B. Smoove
#47. We came here to pick up chicks, not talk about dicks.
J. B. Smoove
#48. I love to pitch things that I believe in and products that I love to use.
J. B. Smoove
#49. You want your lady to be a contortionist. What man wouldn't want a lady who's a contortionist?
J. B. Smoove
#50. I try to dress smooth, I try to keep my face shaved, I try to keep my head cut. I try to do all the things to keep it smooth going!
J. B. Smoove
#51. You can't take everything that is offered to you. I pass on a lot of stuff, because I truly believe that I will shine better if I could do it 200 percent rather than do it 80 percent and make it so-so.
J. B. Smoove
#52. I talked about everything, man. I've always written material that everyone can laugh at. I talked about growing up. I did a lot of physical comedy. That was my thing. I was a physical comedian. I did anything and everything from running on a treadmill, I can paint a picture on stage of anything.
J. B. Smoove
#53. Believe it or not, I write on stage. I can't write anywhere else; I have to be in a moment. I also have to challenge myself to make something funny out of a premise. I never have my own jokes written. I have to change things as I go along, and I have to entertain myself.
J. B. Smoove
#54. I admire Russell Simmons. He is a successful dude that has done a little bit of everything. He keeps it moving, and he's still doing things. Larry David is also amazing. He is honest and blunt. A creative genius.
J. B. Smoove
#55. I tell people all the time, as I was going through my process of being a comedian or being an actor and a writer at 'SNL,' I tell people that everything you do is all a piece of your puzzle to determine where you're going to end up at.
J. B. Smoove
#56. I'm trying to be the Jay-Z of comedy one day. I don't know if there's any comedy moguls out there, but I would love to be the first comedy mogul.
J. B. Smoove
#57. I've done everything. Selling door-to-door fire extinguishers ... In bars, I used to repair those machines that have 10 different buttons on them to spray club soda and seltzer.
J. B. Smoove
#58. If a director brings a guy to their movie who does improv, they've got to let him do what he does - otherwise it's like bringing Michael Jordan to your basketball team and telling him to just pass the ball and don't shoot.
J. B. Smoove
#59. In my stand-up, I've always been loose. If there's a curtain onstage, I'll use that in my act. If there's a door, I'll use the door. I always like to use everything at my disposal, which makes each show a little different and a little more fun.
J. B. Smoove
#60. I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious.
J. B. Smoove
#61. Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?
J. B. Smoove
#62. Women put guys through tests all the time.
J. B. Smoove
#63. I think what I do in my acting world and what I do in my standup world is bring up a brand that I want to bring across. Once you figure out your brand and what you do, it's kind of easy at that. You end up getting your audience.
J. B. Smoove
#64. You don't want to take the world over with a whole hamper full of dirty clothes. That's the main thing people overlook. And take a shower, take a bath every day.
J. B. Smoove
#65. Kids love me. I can bounce back and forth. I can discipline kids, and I can get into the mind of a kid. In my brain, I consider myself the ultimate video game player. The ultimate snack maker.
J. B. Smoove
#66. I don't consider myself a stand-up comedian. I consider myself a performer; a comic as opposed to stand-up comedian. Stand-up comedians stand there and do their bits; I break every rule in creation. If there's a rule that can be broken in stand-up, I'll do it.
J. B. Smoove
#67. There're rules to being the side chick. Rule number one: you're number two.
J. B. Smoove
#69. For me, standup will always be some part of my life, and other things will move around and find their place.
J. B. Smoove
#70. When I started stand-up, the first thing I did was to take an improv class.
J. B. Smoove
#71. I would only take a role that I know I'm comfortable in and I can do. I've turned down plenty of things because I'd feel it's not me, and I wouldn't want to come on someone's project and flip that.
J. B. Smoove
#72. If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late.
J. B. Smoove
#73. Improv relies just as much on listening as it does you delivering dialogue. That's the hard for some people. Some people just concentrate on what they're going to say, and they're not listening. You have to listen in order to see where the other person is going to.
J. B. Smoove
#74. I wish black people had a flag they could put into the ground, like when the troops stormed Iwo Jima.
J. B. Smoove
#76. I loved Peter Sellers. I thought he was the perfect mix of physical comedy with out-of-the-box humor. I loved his tone; I loved his physicality; I loved everything about what he was doing as a comedic actor.
J. B. Smoove
#77. 'The ruckus' is different experiences you go through throughout your life which builds your ruckus points up - your tolerance. You've got to have a high tolerance for dealing with stuff all the time.
J. B. Smoove
#78. When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.
J. B. Smoove
#79. That's what I am; I'm a drip. You still get hydrated, you still get your nutrients, just a little at a damn time.
J. B. Smoove
#80. You gotta improvise in life. You gotta improv if the police pull you over.
J. B. Smoove
#81. My wife is a vegetarian. When my wife is with me, I eat vegetarian. When she's not, I eat meat. I'm just being honest.
J. B. Smoove
#82. I don't like to dabble in anything I don't do well. I don't talk politics.
J. B. Smoove
#83. I most resemble Benjamin Button. I evolve. I attach myself to the heartbeat of whatever is going on at that particular time, or I just chart a new path.
J. B. Smoove
#84. You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world.
J. B. Smoove
#85. If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn't have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn't have passed away, I wouldn't have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would've never auditioned for Curb.
J. B. Smoove
#86. I've had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I've had jokes stolen from me in the club when I'm next on stage. And my brain will start to turn, and the gears will start turning, and I'll go onstage and create a whole new bit.
J. B. Smoove
#87. I think comedy evolves constantly. I reinvent myself all the time. I always find a way to entertain myself because I truly believe you have to entertain yourself in order to relate it the right way to your audience.
J. B. Smoove
#88. I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.
J. B. Smoove
#89. I could never live with you; not 'cause I'm racist or nothing. It's just 'cause as a black man in America, I need to have someone I can come home and complain about white people to. And that just don't work with my white wife.
J. B. Smoove
#90. Damn! This flight attendant treating us like we won these first class tickets in a contest.
J. B. Smoove
#91. Curb Your Enthusiasm set me up so perfectly. That was one of my favorite shows before I got on it. That started a whole different level of a story for me. I didn't know how to process it until after I got on the show and realized what the purpose of it was.
J. B. Smoove
#92. I'll drive down the street, and I'll practice improv. I will sit there at a red light and see two guys talking to each other, and I will just start playing both characters. I can't hear them, but I can see their mouths moving, so I'll just put words in their mouths.
J. B. Smoove
#93. I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.
J. B. Smoove
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