Top 100 Seinfeld's Quotes
#1. I've always wanted to play Jerry Seinfeld's son, actually, because he's the only person who anyone ever says I look like, in my entire - ever in my life.
Paulo Costanzo
#2. In terms of 'Seinfeld', I think there's lot of reality in a show that's supposed to be about nothing.
Wale
#3. One way in which 'Friends' did resemble 'Seinfeld' is that it really found its audience over the summer of 1995 in reruns. That's when the main title song, 'I'll Be There for You', by the Rembrandts, exploded, too.
Warren Littlefield
#4. The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There's nothing above that. Nothing above it.
Jerry Seinfeld
#5. When it comes to English stand-up comedy, Indians have only seen the best - Jerry Seinfeld, Bill Cosby and the like. So, when someone claims to be an English stand-up comedian in India, he'd better be very good if he's going to make a life of it.
Vir Das
#6. Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"
Jerry Seinfeld
#7. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.
Jerry Seinfeld
#8. Dogs want to be people. That's what their lives are about. They don't like being a dog. They're with people all the time, they want to graduate. My dog would sit there all day, he would watch me walk by, he would think to himself, I could do that! He's not that good.
Jerry Seinfeld
#9. If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience.
Jerry Seinfeld
#10. When you've been in the business 5-years, as a person, it's like you're 5-years old - like a child. 10-years and you're 10-years old, 20 ... Etcetera. That's how I measure maturity in this industry.
Jerry Seinfeld
#11. I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
Jerry Seinfeld
#12. The blessing in life is when you find the torture you are comfortable with. That's marriage, it's kids, it's work, it's exercise. Find the torture you're comfortable with and you'll do well. You've mastered that, you've mastered life.
Jerry Seinfeld
#13. You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.
Jerry Seinfeld
#14. It's shrinkage! Hasn't she heard of shrinkage? -George Costanza, Seinfeld
Genna Rulon
#15. If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.
Jerry Seinfeld
#16. So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you're a kid your brain can't even process the information. You're like: "What is this? What did you say?" "What did you say about giving out candy? Who's giving out candy?" "Everyone that we know is just giving out candy!"
Jerry Seinfeld
#17. Sex, that's meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that's heavy. That's like an hour.
Jerry Seinfeld
#18. No, no. It's not your fault. Books, books, I need my books. Have you re-read those books yet, by the way? - Jerry
Seinfeld
#19. Jary, Garge, Elane and Daved Pady emerge from the Lamborgini Veneno like sad clown's from the SICKEST clown car ever.
Seinfeld 2000
#20. I look at Seinfeld - he looks like he's having fun. He's just enjoying being Jerry Seinfeld, you know, on 'Seinfeld.'
Jerrod Carmichael
#21. Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it.
Jerry Seinfeld
#22. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter ... "
Jerry Seinfeld
#23. I listened to this interview once with Jerry Seinfeld that really influenced my comedy and all of my writing, which is that when you're starting out in comedy, it's the audience that tells you what's funny about you. And you need to listen to that and make a note of that.
Mike Birbiglia
#24. A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it's just surfing on the water and nobody really knows what happens.
Jerry Seinfeld
#25. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
Jerry Seinfeld
#26. I only do a show when there's somebody I want to talk to.
Jerry Seinfeld
#27. Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?
Jerry Seinfeld
#28. It's always interesting for me to watch the pilot of an established show because you see how the writers and actors weren't really sure what the show was and what the dynamics were. If you look at the pilot for 'Seinfeld,' for example, it's practically unrecognizable.
Johnny Galecki
#29. There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
Jerry Seinfeld
#30. When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face.
Jerry Seinfeld
#31. We don't have a laugh track, which helped Seinfeld a lot, and did kind of tell people when to laugh. It just made it a lot easier. Our show doesn't have that, so it's hard for Middle America to catch on.
Alia Shawkat
#32. I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into.
Jerry Seinfeld
#33. Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
Jerry Seinfeld
#34. I think if you look back at all those great comedies on television in the past, it's all lovable losers that gathered together - 'Taxi' and 'Cheers,' 'Seinfeld' and 'Friends.'
Matthew Perry
#35. I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.
Jerry Seinfeld
#36. If someone's lying, are their pants really on fire
Jerry Seinfeld
#37. [Comedian Jerry Seinfeld was nominated for a Grammy for his spoken-word children's album] Halloween ... Don't Give Up on Me.
Jamie Lee Curtis
#38. There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'
Jerry Seinfeld
#39. [I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who's ... normal ... I'm not curious, I'm not interested.
Jerry Seinfeld
#40. I hate the waiting room. Because it's called the waiting room, there's no chance of not waiting. It's built, designed, and intended for waiting. Why would they take you right away when they've got this room all set up?
Jerry Seinfeld
#41. We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
Jerry Seinfeld
#42. The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
Jerry Seinfeld
#43. What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big. That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later.
Jerry Seinfeld
#44. It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.
Jerry Seinfeld
#45. That's the most comfortable place for me. In the beginning, yes, I was nervous going on stage. I was not a natural performer. I really had to acquire that skill.
Jerry Seinfeld
#46. What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?
Jerry Seinfeld
#47. Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy.
Jerry Seinfeld
#48. What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Jerry Seinfeld
#49. And I'll tell ya, I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It's wonderful! Plus, I love saying 'my wife.' Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop - 'my wife' this, 'my wife' that ... it's an amazing way to begin a sentence.
Jerry Seinfeld
#50. I personally have dealt with any adversity in my life with humor. That's why I told America to 'Read my hips!' on 'Dancing With the Stars' or was happy to play along with Jason Alexander and Jerry Seinfeld in the great restaurant scene on 'Seinfeld.'
Marlee Matlin
#51. I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication ... Not easy. There's an entire wall of products you need. You stand there going,"Well, this one is quick acting but this is long lasting ... Which is more important, the present or the future?"
Jerry Seinfeld
#52. The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"
Jerry Seinfeld
#53. Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it's a relic,
Jerry Seinfeld
#54. I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
Jerry Seinfeld
#55. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
Jerry Seinfeld
#56. Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.
Jerry Seinfeld
#57. Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
Jerry Seinfeld
#58. There's a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person.
Jerry Seinfeld
#59. And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.
Jerry Seinfeld
#60. The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
Jerry Seinfeld
#61. Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.
Jerry Seinfeld
#62. I've compiled a book from the Internet. It's a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people.
Jerry Seinfeld
#63. You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that.
Jerry Seinfeld
#64. There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.
Jerry Seinfeld
#65. Jessica Seinfeld made a toast. She turned to the assembled guests. 'And you are all so lucky to be part of Gwyneth's world. Because this is the real deal. And she's invited all of you good people in here. I would never do that.'
Gwyneth Paltrow
#67. When the 'Seinfeld' show said it was going to be a show about nothing, everybody said it couldn't - wouldn't work. It did. 'Thor' is about something, about that character finding his destiny, but it's not doing what was expected ... and yet it's doing very well.
J. Michael Straczynski
#68. You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it.
Jerry Seinfeld
#69. Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?
Jerry Seinfeld
#70. I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.
Jerry Seinfeld
#71. According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Jerry Seinfeld
#72. I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.
Jerry Seinfeld
#73. A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
Jerry Seinfeld
#74. I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.
Jerry Seinfeld
#75. I watch sitcoms like Seinfeld, and here's a newsflash, but what a great show.
Scott Wolf
#76. I have a problem with that silver medal. It's like, 'Congratulation s, you almost won. Of all the losers, you're the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.'
Jerry Seinfeld
#77. Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.
Jerry Seinfeld
#78. The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules.
Jerry Seinfeld
#79. My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
Jerry Seinfeld
#80. Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Jerry Seinfeld
#81. My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don't know how she learned this.
Jerry Seinfeld
#82. Celebrity is no different from any other energy. It's a force for good or evil. It's no different from money. It's power.
Jerry Seinfeld
#83. There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we're gonna win.
Jerry Seinfeld
#84. You could go to Estonia and there's probably an episode of 'Seinfeld' playing there. Television is a very powerful thing.
Yul Vazquez
#85. You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.
Jerry Seinfeld
#86. They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind of Houdini torture tank of doom. How do you breathe in there? It looks like if you put your hand over the change slot, you could suffocate him in thirty seconds.
Jerry Seinfeld
#87. To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
Jerry Seinfeld
#88. Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there's a chance it'll feel new to the audience and we'll have found something.
Jerry Seinfeld
#89. I like money, but it's never been about the money.
Jerry Seinfeld
#90. Seinfeld was typically American in that show. He was a pretty funny guy, but he had no sense of style. Tacky like a Texan tux. Tasteless dressing and tasteful jokes. That's Seinfeld for me. I would have preferred it the other way around.
Hallgrimur Helgason
#91. A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it's kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the '60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake.
Jerry Seinfeld
#92. Like most athletes, I like to go home and relax. I try not to bring the game home with me. I might play some video games that are, let's just say, for mature audiences only. And I might get some flak for this, but I like to watch 'Seinfeld.' Sometimes, laughter is the best medicine.
Nick Ferguson
#93. The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!'
Jerry Seinfeld
#94. I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical.
Jerry Seinfeld
#95. I grew up loving David Letterman and Pee-wee Herman, but as far as live performance comedy, all I knew were the Jerry Seinfeld-type comedians of the world, and that's what I thought live performance comedy was all about.
Scott Aukerman
#96. Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.
Jerry Seinfeld
#97. I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating - is this the exact right mix? I think that's - to me it's anti-comedy. It's more about PC-nonsense.
Jerry Seinfeld
#98. I mean, comedy's hard. If you go back and look at the first season of 'Seinfeld,' it's a work in progress and that's what happens. It just takes time for people to figure each other out, and figure out timing, and to develop creatively with the writers.
Zachary Knighton
#99. Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.
Jerry Seinfeld
#100. I've been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It's just something I'm very aware of.
Jerry Seinfeld
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