Top 100 Robert Orben Quotes
#1. Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?
Robert Orben
#2. I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
Robert Orben
#3. Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
Robert Orben
#4. In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.
Robert Orben
#5. Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.
Robert Orben
#6. The Playboy Calendar this year has some tiptop models. Any more top and they'd tip.
Robert Orben
#7. The true test of humility is whether you can say grace before eating crow.
Robert Orben
#8. Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Robert Orben
#9. Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!
Robert Orben
#10. Realists know where they're going. Dreamers have already been there.
Robert Orben
#11. To reduce stress, avoid excitement. Spend more time with your spouse.
Robert Orben
#12. Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.
Robert Orben
#13. I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'
Robert Orben
#14. Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.
Robert Orben
#15. There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
Robert Orben
#16. Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.
Robert Orben
#17. Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are jokes. That's how we tend to define what we think of a public figure.
Robert Orben
#18. If you can laugh together, you can work together.
Robert Orben
#19. My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
Robert Orben
#20. We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.
Robert Orben
#21. I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
Robert Orben
#22. For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.
Robert Orben
#23. When we laugh we temporarily give ourselves over to the person who makes us laugh.
Robert Orben
#24. Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.
Robert Orben
#25. There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
Robert Orben
#26. Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'
Robert Orben
#27. Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.
Robert Orben
#28. More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
Robert Orben
#29. Sociologists say that going to the movies is a bonding experience. It probably has to do with the way you feet stick to the floor.
Robert Orben
#30. Wall Street is where prophets tell us what will happen and profits tell us what did happen.
Robert Orben
#31. I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.
Robert Orben
#32. THe world now has so many problems that if Moses had come down from Mount Sinai today, the two tablets he'd carry would be aspirin.
Robert Orben
#33. Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben
#34. Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.
Robert Orben
#35. Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.
Robert Orben
#36. Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.
Robert Orben
#37. I'd like to say a few words about one of the most popular concepts in the modern education
show and tell. Show and Tell is a device created by grammar schools to communicate family secrets to 32 other families before 9:15 am in the morning.
Robert Orben
#38. If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
Robert Orben
#39. We have enough people who tell it like it is - now we could use a few who tell it like it can be.
Robert Orben
#40. New Yorkers are so impersonal, if it wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all!
Robert Orben
#41. An economist is someone who knows all the answers to last years' questions.
Robert Orben
#42. I feel that if God had really wanted us to have enough oil, he would never have given us a Department of Energy.
Robert Orben
#43. Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
Robert Orben
#44. Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it's a pen that scratches.
Robert Orben
#45. Wait'll next year! is the favorite cry of baseball fans, football fans, hockey fans, and gardeners.
Robert Orben
#46. Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer.
Robert Orben
#47. Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
Robert Orben
#48. Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.
Robert Orben
#49. Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave - but there's no need to be in the passing lane.
Robert Orben
#50. They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.
Robert Orben
#51. To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Robert Orben
#52. I don't see why religion and science can't cooperate. What's wrong with using a computer to count our blessings?
Robert Orben
#53. Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It's a bonding influence.
Robert Orben
#54. The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.
Robert Orben
#55. A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.
Robert Orben
#56. Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.
Robert Orben
#57. Humor gives presidents the chance to be seen as warm, relaxed persons. Humor reaches out and puts its arm around the listener and says, 'I am one of you, I understand,' and implicitly it promises, 'I will do something about your problems.
Robert Orben
#58. I'd be surprised if Ronald Reagan doesn't run again. To us it's a second term. To him it's a double feature.
Robert Orben
#59. I value people with a conscience. It's like a beeper from God.
Robert Orben
#60. I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.
Robert Orben
#61. A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that "individuality" is the key to success.
Robert Orben
#62. Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.
Robert Orben
#63. With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!
Robert Orben
#64. The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.
Robert Orben
#66. What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.
Robert Orben
#67. What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?
Robert Orben
#68. Nowadays, you cannot be a very Effective political figure without Having a demonstrable sense of humor. People take to it.
Robert Orben
#69. It's mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You're not paying me for a joke, You're paying me for the right joke.
Robert Orben
#70. You wouldn't want Alan Greenspan to write the instructions for assembling a beach chair.
Robert Orben
#71. Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.
Robert Orben
#72. If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?
Robert Orben
#73. I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."
Robert Orben
#74. The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world
Robert Orben
#75. There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.
Robert Orben
#76. As much as we admire all the characteristics of a Ronald Reagan, as soon as something goes wrong, people will hate those same characteristics.
Robert Orben
#77. The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.
Robert Orben
#78. Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?
Robert Orben
#79. They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.
Robert Orben
#80. Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.
Robert Orben
#81. Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
Robert Orben
#82. Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.
Robert Orben
#83. If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.
Robert Orben
#85. Live your life so that if someone says 'Be yourself' it's good advice.
Robert Orben
#86. I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.
Robert Orben
#87. These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him loose.
Robert Orben
#88. A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
Robert Orben
#89. It may be the way the cookie crumbles on Madison Avenue, but in Hong Kong its the way the egg rolls.
Robert Orben
#90. A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.
Robert Orben
#91. Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.
Robert Orben
#92. Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?
Robert Orben
#93. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.
Robert Orben
#94. Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.
Robert Orben
#95. Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
Robert Orben
#96. I take my children everywhere. Unfortunately, they find a way home.
Robert Orben
#98. Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
Robert Orben
#99. I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.
Robert Orben
#100. Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.
Robert Orben
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