Wife Funny Famous Quotes & Sayings

List of top 100 famous quotes and sayings about wife funny to read and share with friends on your Facebook, Twitter, blogs.

Top 100 Quotes About Wife Funny

#1. It's funny - I read that women look to chiseled-faced guys for one-night stands, and to round-faced guys for marriage. When I'm rounder in the face, I like to say, 'This is my long-term look.' Or 'This is my wife-and-kids look right here.' - Author: Garrett Hedlund
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#2. I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless! - Author: Rodney Dangerfield
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#3. Funny how a wife can spot a blonde hair at twenty yards, yet miss the garage doors. - Author: Corey Ford
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#4. My wife's a loving, funny, Irish-spirited person, and I'm still surprised at some of the things she says. She makes me laugh every day. - Author: Gary Sinise
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#5. My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. - Author: Rodney Dangerfield
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#6. All my wife has ever taken from the Mediterranean - from that whole vast intuitive culture - are four bottles of Chianti to make into lamps, and two china condiment donkeys labelled Sally and Peppy. - Author: Peter Shaffer
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#7. I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.. - Author: Bill Engvall
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#8. I don't know how breeder marriages ever work, since the wife never seems to understand. - Author: Andrea Speed
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#9. You're far too prickly tempered to be a mistress. You're far better suited as a wife. - Author: Lisa Kleypas
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#10. I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it. - Author: Walter Matthau
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#11. The moment I was introduced to my wife, Emma, at a party I thought, here she is - and 20 minutes later I told her she ought to marry me. She thought I was as mad as a rat. She wouldn't even give me her telephone number - and she wrote in her diary: 'A funny little man asked me to marry him.' - Author: Julian Fellowes
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#12. Most of a husband's life is spent in doing research on his wife. - Author: Pawan Mishra
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#13. Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. - Author: Bill Cosby
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#14. My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week. - Author: Henny Youngman
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#15. I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.' - Author: Larry David
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#16. The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?" - Author: Jerry Seinfeld
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#17. Even-money that my liver lasts through my wife's metamorphosis to my mother-in-law. - Author: Tim Heaton
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#18. Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago! - Author: Greg Giraldo
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#19. Besides, what do I know about being a wife? There are much more important qualities to have than a docile disposition. - Author: C.J. Redwine
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#20. That is not all I need. I need dogs. A house filled with dogs and a smart, funny, kind, loving girlfriend or wife. - Author: Moby
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#21. I went swimming the other day and my wife was watching and she said, 'You know, it's funny, it's when you've got no clothes on, no one recognizes you.' I said, 'What are you saying? That I should do more love scenes?' - Author: Eddie Marsan
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#22. My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off. - Author: Chic Murray
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#23. A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out. - Author: Henny Youngman
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#24. I said: All right, talk, but do you mind putting the gun away? My wife doesn't care, but I'm pregnant and I don't want the child to be born with ... - Author: Dashiell Hammett
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#25. The ideal husband understands every word his wife doesn't say. - Author: Alfred Hitchcock
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#26. I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?" - Author: Rodney Dangerfield
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#27. Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please. - Author: Henny Youngman
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#28. I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely. - Author: Rodney Dangerfield
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#29. At the upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will perform together as the first time, as man and wife. Hopefully music. - Author: Tina Fey
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#30. Turner let his face fell into his hands. "I'm never going to touch her again", he moaned.
"He's never going to touch me again!" they heard Miranda roar.
"Well,it doesn't look like you'll have much argument from your wife on that point", Olivia chirped. - Author: Julia Quinn
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#31. One man's folly is another man's wife. - Author: Helen Rowland
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#32. I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen. - Author: Emo Philips
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#33. He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife. - Author: Ljupka Cvetanova
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#34. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Author: Lana Turner
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#35. Sure. I'd like to live regular. Go home to a good looking wife, a hot dinner, and a husky kid. But I guess I got film in my blood. I love this racket. It's exciting. It's dangerous. It's funny. It's tough. It's heartbreaking. - Author: Weegee
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#36. My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.' - Author: Bob Monkhouse
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#37. An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was. - Author: Frank Carson
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#38. I got me a fine wife and I got me old fiddle, when the suns coming up I got cakes on the griddle. And life ain't nothing, but a funny, funny riddle. - Author: John Denver
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#39. The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. - Author: Oscar Wilde
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#40. Apparently officers are not 'men'. Officers are 'officers'. - Author: Aditi Mathur Kumar
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#41. Don't have to see," the pilot grunted. "Olga knows the way."
"Funny name for an aircraft," Grace commented. "Is it after your wife?"
"My gun."
Grace stared at him. "You named your plane after a gun?"
"It was a very good gun. - Author: Gordon Korman
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#42. My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror." - Author: Frank Carson
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#43. Winning is everything. The only ones who remember you when you come second are your wife and your dog. - Author: Damon Hill
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#44. My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!! - Author: Rodney Dangerfield
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#45. As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife. - Author: Groucho Marx
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#46. I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical. - Author: Jerry Seinfeld
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#47. I would love to interview Michael McKean and his wife, who wrote the songs for 'A Mighty Wind,' which is my favorite Christopher Guest movie. I'm just a sucker for any funny guy that has a wife who is intelligent and that he collaborates with. - Author: Julie Klausner
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#48. We are all regular people, Pia,' she laughs. 'But we are not
regular wives. - Author: Aditi Mathur Kumar
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#49. They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that? - Author: Casey Stengel
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#50. Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back. - Author: Richard Belzer
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#51. I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead - Author: Jeff Foxworthy
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#52. I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar. - Author: Rodney Dangerfield
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#53. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Author: William J. Clinton
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#54. Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg! - Author: Terry Pratchett
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#55. Jake fried up the fish, cooked rice with garlic, cilantro and green onions. Someday he was going to make some woman a wonderful wife. - Author: Josh Lanyon
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#56. I have a weak stomach. My wife is a doctor, so she finds it funny that I actually pass out when I get my blood drawn. I physically can't stand gore on screen. I can't stand blood and guts. Not for any puritanical/moral high-ground reason. I just don't want to black out. - Author: Christopher Denham
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#57. It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much." - Author: Frank Carson
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#58. My wife has a black belt in shopping. - Author: Henny Youngman
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#59. One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! - Author: Rodney Dangerfield
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#60. George was captivated by her. She was a pip, as George's father might have said. But what he saw quickly, what he was sure Noah was oblivious to, Ellie was very like Noah's late wife. She was unique, confident, funny and impossibly positive. Noah - Author: Robyn Carr
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#61. If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband's murder. - Author: Dark Jar Tin Zoo
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#62. For years I used to bore my wife over lunch with stories about funny incidents. - Author: James Herriot
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#63. My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don't know how she learned this. - Author: Jerry Seinfeld
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#64. Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I'm the woman for him?

~ Susan - Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon
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#65. Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife. - Author: Mark Watson
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#66. There's a deep underlying unpredictability to life that is thrilling. In China, my wife would say you go out to buy toilet paper, and you come back, and something interesting or revealing or funny happened on the way. - Author: Evan Osnos
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#67. I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour. - Author: Frank Carson
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#68. How in the world do you tellyour wife that her mother was born a unicon? - Author: Bruce Coville
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#69. Rick to Herschel: My wife is pregnant. That is either a gift here, or a death sentence out there. - Author: The Walking Dead
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#70. Marriage is sanctified when it is cherished and honored in holiness. That union is not merely between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God. - Author: Russell M. Nelson
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#71. This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like, "There's my wife ... there she is - oh, she's getting off. All right, there's the woman - all right, that's a man." - Author: Jim Gaffigan
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#72. My iPod holds 3,000 albums. I own, like, 90 albums. My iPod sits at home, sullen, frustrated, and underused, like a wife who gave up her career and the kids turned out to be shite. - Author: Dara O Briain
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#73. We all men want a bad girl friend, but a good wife. - Author: M.F. Moonzajer
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#74. The jewelry stores say, 'Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,' while wives tell you they love you with, 'Ok, but just because it's Valentine's Day.' - Author: George Lopez
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#75. Nick snatches the picture from the man's hand and laughs. "This is funny to you, asshole?"
Nick tosses the picture back behind him. "No. No, it's not. What is funny is that you believe your whore of a wife."
"Stand up your spineless punk!" The man yells in sheer rage. - Author: Jennifer Loren
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#76. My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate." - Author: Rodney Dangerfield
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#77. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair. - Author: Tommy Cooper
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#78. A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard." - Author: Frank Carson
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#79. Military Wives - Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country. - Author: Aditi Mathur Kumar
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#80. Oh Pia, I feel GOOD! Fully recovered!' he always says in a dazzling tone that tells everyone within a ten-kilometre radius that he's not. - Author: Aditi Mathur Kumar
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#81. Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11. - Author: Frankie Boyle
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#82. A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it. - Author: Pawan Mishra
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#83. Penard's got a secret baby!' Fifteen-year-old Richard twisted his lips up at one end. 'Maybe he has a secret wife in the attic! - Author: Olivia Newport
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#84. Workaholicism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler. - Author: Dave Mordal
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#85. A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife." - Author: Frank Carson
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#86. We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. - Author: H.L. Mencken
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#87. If we lose this war, I'll just start another in my wife's name. - Author: Moshe Dayan
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#88. You'll see a lot of funny stuff, you'll see a lot of daddy-knows-best stuff, you'll see a lot of me and my wife trying to hold the family together. - Author: Russell Simmons
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#89. A chap wouldn't hole up in Occupied France just to get away from his wife, Vesta. - Author: Sara Sheridan
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#90. My wife's nagging is like living near the airport. After a while you don't notice it any more. - Author: Tom Arnold
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#91. All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. - Author: Henny Youngman
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#92. My wife, my daughters, even my grandchildren are funny. You've got to keep a sense of humor because anger destroys you. - Author: Michael Caine
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#93. I'm a 4-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife. - Author: Mike Greenwell
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#94. My wife is so funny and talented and never lets anybody fail next to her. - Author: Mark Consuelos
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#95. I write funny. If I can make my wife laugh, I know I'm on the right track. - Author: Gene Wilder
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#96. I gave (pitcher) Mike Cuellar more chances than I gave my first wife. - Author: Earl Weaver
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#97. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Author: Henny Youngman
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#98. The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation. - Author: Lord Chesterfield
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#99. Opposities are married. - Author: Ljupka Cvetanova
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#100. My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. - Author: Dave Barry
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