Top 100 Phyllis Diller Quotes
#1. We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Phyllis Diller
#2. I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
#3. I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
Phyllis Diller
#4. I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
Phyllis Diller
#5. Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller
#6. The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids ... and when you're away from them, who needs it?.
Phyllis Diller
#8. My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller
#10. [On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
Phyllis Diller
#11. My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.
Phyllis Diller
#12. Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.
Phyllis Diller
#13. All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.
Phyllis Diller
#14. We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
Phyllis Diller
#15. Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
Phyllis Diller
#16. The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
Phyllis Diller
#17. I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Phyllis Diller
#18. Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
Phyllis Diller
#20. Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
#22. When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
Phyllis Diller
#23. Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller
#24. The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
Phyllis Diller
#25. Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
Phyllis Diller
#26. Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.
Phyllis Diller
#27. Phyllis Diller came through a mine field of male comedians when she arrived on the comedy scene and she defused them all. She won her place in the Hall of Comedy as the First Lady. I will miss her.
Tim Conway
#28. Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
Phyllis Diller
#31. Get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
Phyllis Diller
#32. A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller
#33. When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
Phyllis Diller
#34. There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
Phyllis Diller
#35. I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller
#36. Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.
Phyllis Diller
#37. Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.
Phyllis Diller
#38. Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
Phyllis Diller
#39. When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.
Phyllis Diller
#40. In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Phyllis Diller
#41. Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
Phyllis Diller
#43. If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
Phyllis Diller
#44. Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.
Phyllis Diller
#45. I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
Phyllis Diller
#47. I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
Phyllis Diller
#48. My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
Phyllis Diller
#49. By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
Phyllis Diller
#50. I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
Phyllis Diller
#51. I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller
#52. I don't want to sound like I'm on dope, but that hour is a high; it's as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
Phyllis Diller
#53. I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
Phyllis Diller
#54. Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Phyllis Diller
#56. Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.
Phyllis Diller
#57. I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Phyllis Diller
#59. When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.
Phyllis Diller
#60. Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.
Phyllis Diller
#61. I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.
Phyllis Diller
#62. When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
Phyllis Diller
#63. [When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.
Phyllis Diller
#64. I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.
Phyllis Diller
#65. There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller
#67. Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
Phyllis Diller
#68. It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Phyllis Diller
#69. Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
Phyllis Diller
#70. A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Phyllis Diller
#71. My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
#72. Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor ... I was committed!
Phyllis Diller
#73. Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.
Phyllis Diller
#74. My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
Phyllis Diller
#75. You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Phyllis Diller
#77. I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
Phyllis Diller
#78. Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
#79. Money's scarce
Times are hard
Here's your fucking
Xmas card
Phyllis Diller
#80. I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."
Phyllis Diller
#81. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller
#82. Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
Phyllis Diller
#83. Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.
Phyllis Diller
#84. A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
Phyllis Diller
#85. It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Phyllis Diller
#86. Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
Phyllis Diller
#88. No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.
Phyllis Diller
#90. Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
Phyllis Diller
#91. When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.
Phyllis Diller
#92. For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
Phyllis Diller
#93. I've been pitching a show of five female stand-up comedians through the generations, from Phyllis Diller to Amy Schumer, so when I got an e-mail asking me if I would participate in the Women in Comedy Festival, I was thrilled.
Wendy Liebman
#94. Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller
#95. Growing up, my two favorite books were Woody Allen's 'Side Effects' and Phyllis Diller's 'Housekeeping Hints.' I carried that Phyllis Diller book with me everywhere when I was in fifth or sixth grade. Eventually, it just fell apart.
Jill Davis
#96. Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
Phyllis Diller
#97. It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
Phyllis Diller
#98. It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
Phyllis Diller
#99. I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
Phyllis Diller
#100. Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
Phyllis Diller
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