Top 100 Phyllis Diller Quotes

#1. Phyllis Diller came through a mine field of male comedians when she arrived on the comedy scene and she defused them all. She won her place in the Hall of Comedy as the First Lady. I will miss her.

Tim Conway

Phyllis Diller Quotes #251248
#2. I've been pitching a show of five female stand-up comedians through the generations, from Phyllis Diller to Amy Schumer, so when I got an e-mail asking me if I would participate in the Women in Comedy Festival, I was thrilled.

Wendy Liebman

Phyllis Diller Quotes #917455
#3. Growing up, my two favorite books were Woody Allen's 'Side Effects' and Phyllis Diller's 'Housekeeping Hints.' I carried that Phyllis Diller book with me everywhere when I was in fifth or sixth grade. Eventually, it just fell apart.

Jill Davis

Phyllis Diller Quotes #919622
#4. E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, You look weird. Never got a dinner!

Red Buttons

Phyllis Diller Quotes #1775097
#5. We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #11632
#6. I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #14144
#7. I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #16155
#8. I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #16174
#9. Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #24545
#10. The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids ... and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #27614
#11. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #39833
#12. My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #77688
#13. Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #109595
#14. [On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #111417
#15. My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #117341
#16. Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #126386
#17. All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #129643
#18. We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #132891
#19. Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #137365
#20. The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #146804
#21. I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #172800
#22. Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #186724
#23. My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #202909
#24. Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #212251
#25. Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #213360
#26. When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #219438
#27. Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #222938
#28. The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #235696
#29. Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #244821
#30. Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #250492
#31. Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #257734
#32. My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #288581
#33. You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #306271
#34. Get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #309351
#35. A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #313922
#36. When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #316055
#37. There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #316223
#38. I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #335695
#39. Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #344940
#40. Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #359850
#41. Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #365084
#42. When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #374583
#43. In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #388399
#44. Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #391615
#45. If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #394166
#46. If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #395703
#47. Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #401227
#48. I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #416989
#49. I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #420027
#50. I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #421631
#51. My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #440781
#52. By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #452770
#53. I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #468686
#54. I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #471275
#55. I don't want to sound like I'm on dope, but that hour is a high; it's as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #476622
#56. I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #480342
#57. Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #481685
#58. I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #486977
#59. Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #496927
#60. I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #513969
#61. Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #515741
#62. When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #531202
#63. Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #534218
#64. I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #537963
#65. When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #550193
#66. [When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #554356
#67. I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #563617
#68. There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #574340
#69. Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #580220
#70. Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #580358
#71. It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #602862
#72. Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #628836
#73. A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #647201
#74. My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #650528
#75. Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor ... I was committed!

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #654771
#76. Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #659034
#77. My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #667722
#78. You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #672458
#79. Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #683330
#80. I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #709150
#81. Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #715456
#82. Money's scarce
Times are hard
Here's your fucking
Xmas card

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #717239
#83. I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #728991
#84. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #731528
#85. Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #751049
#86. Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #751208
#87. A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #780891
#88. It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #782259
#89. Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #800823
#90. A smile is a curve that sets things right.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #801292
#91. No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #817311
#92. All mothers are working mothers.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #857848
#93. Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #894067
#94. When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #905592
#95. For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #913894
#96. Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #918034
#97. Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #928112
#98. It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #930860
#99. It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #943350
#100. I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes #946550

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