Top 100 Norm Macdonald Quotes
#1. Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.
Greg Giraldo
#2. I just hate plugs. It just doesn't seem entertaining to me. I've never plugged anything in my life on a talk show ever. I understand people use that vehicle. It's just not very entertaining.
Norm MacDonald
#3. I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that.
Norm MacDonald
#4. A proper disposition of time leaves a man at leisure in the very bustle of affairs; without delaying the attention of his concerns to the last or giving them unnecessary application at first: it affords a season for everything by affording everything its proper season.
Norm MacDonald
#5. I love writing - it's the best. But I really hate collaboration.
Norm MacDonald
#6. We are often less grieved at disappointments than at ourselves for having said much concerning the certainty of our expectations.
Norm MacDonald
#7. Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.
Norm MacDonald
#8. If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious.
Norm MacDonald
#9. There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.
Norm MacDonald
#10. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio.
Norm MacDonald
#11. Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.
Norm MacDonald
#12. A lot of people think I'm difficult to work with. It's not like I really want to do that much stuff, so it doesn't really matter. I guess I'm somewhat difficult when it comes to comedy.
Norm MacDonald
#13. Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.
Norm MacDonald
#14. In terms of merit, sports has mathematical statistics. That's how you know who the best player is.
Norm MacDonald
#15. The vanity of being asked advice often makes us confirm the opinion of those that consult us.
Norm MacDonald
#16. I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.' I don't own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I'd have to buy something to protect it then.
Norm MacDonald
#17. Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.
Norm MacDonald
#18. Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.
Norm MacDonald
#19. I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
Norm MacDonald
#20. You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.
Norm MacDonald
#22. I started on 'Saturday Night Live' the same time Conan started on Late Night. We just had a relationship because I would be upstairs in the studio and whenever he couldn't get a guest - which was often back then since he was just starting out - he would just call me down to be a guest.
Norm MacDonald
#24. They that are virtuous from principle may receive confidence in every capacity; but they that are so from custom or habit, are capable of trust only in matters of ordinary and settled occurrence.
Norm MacDonald
#25. There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.
Norm MacDonald
#26. Death is a funny thing. Not funny haha, like a Woody Allen movie, but funny strange, like a Woody Allen marriage.
Norm MacDonald
#27. I don't really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.
Norm MacDonald
#28. Our passions may be compared to certain slaves
the more severity we show them, the better they obey us.
Norm MacDonald
#29. The character of giving advice often makes us accountable for the conduct of those we advise.
Norm MacDonald
#30. In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That's what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn't have a stupid opinion about it.
Norm MacDonald
#31. With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.
Norm MacDonald
#32. I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.
Norm MacDonald
#33. I don't do much. I'm too lazy. That's my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn't effect my lifestyle a bit really.
Norm MacDonald
#34. I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television. I don't know what it does, it just sucks it away.
Norm MacDonald
#35. Never raise expectations in others that you cannot realize: promise is less pleasing than disappointment is vexatious.
Norm MacDonald
#36. Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.
Norm MacDonald
#37. With the computer and stuff, the difference between a rich guy and a poor guy, to me, is nothing. Because I don't like big houses, I don't drive a car, so you know, I just live in a small apartment and I have my computer, which is really cool.
Norm MacDonald
#38. All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.
Norm MacDonald
#39. Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.
Norm MacDonald
#40. After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.
Norm MacDonald
#41. Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.
Norm MacDonald
#42. The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.
Norm MacDonald
#43. There are these showcase clubs where 14 guys will go on in a row and people are laughing at everything, and I'm like - 'I can't laugh that much. That's so weird to me.'
Norm MacDonald
#44. There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.
Norm MacDonald
#45. Laws, however divine in origin and institution, would be found of little coercion among men, were the administration of them not committed to mortals.
Norm MacDonald
#46. I don't really like doing big stand-up. Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up. I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time.
Norm MacDonald
#47. The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.
Norm MacDonald
#48. It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.
Norm MacDonald
#49. A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.
Norm MacDonald
#50. Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday Jesus! Hope you like crap!
Norm MacDonald
#51. I never do impressions, but I probably should. People like that stuff.
Norm MacDonald
#53. Letterman is very intimidating because he's so funny, so you have to be really prepared. Also, he's a little squeamish about certain things, so you have to always be on guard to please him.
Norm MacDonald
#54. Most men will go farther to give advice than to follow their own opinion.
Norm MacDonald
#55. My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.
Norm MacDonald
#56. None seem to bear the imputation of supposed guilt with greater intolerance than such as are, on other occasions, obviously culpable of vice or crime.
Norm MacDonald
#57. I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I'm trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they're accessible to everyone.
Norm MacDonald
#58. OJ Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote 'Hey, they're still alive, aren't they?'
Norm MacDonald
#59. In giving advice, aptitude is often less to be considered, than seasonableness.
Norm MacDonald
#60. A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.
Norm MacDonald
#61. Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.
Norm MacDonald
#62. We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.
Norm MacDonald
#63. I watch political shows for a number of weeks in a row, and all I see are guys arguing with each other over issues I have no idea about. My brother, he loves war-torn places. My dad would always read the paper and tell me I should watch CNN, but I usually wind up watching 'Breaking Bad.'
Norm MacDonald
#64. I don't like sports where it's like, you watch a guy on a motorcycle flip or something, then another guy does it, it looks exactly the same, and then at the end one guy gets higher points! It seems so arbitrary; I don't know who's ahead ever.
Norm MacDonald
#65. I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl.
Norm MacDonald
#66. The man that does not fear punishment, little regards crime.
Norm MacDonald
#67. Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.
Norm MacDonald
#68. The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.
Norm MacDonald
#69. It's a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you're good at it, then they go, 'How would you like to be a horrible actor?' Then you say, 'All right, that sounds good. I'll do that.'
Norm MacDonald
#70. The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.
Norm MacDonald
#71. When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.
Norm MacDonald
#72. It is the folly of weak-minded people, to imagine they are what flattery or conceit represents them; and that it is useless for them to be what they are not, since they seem already to have acquired the reputation of it.
Norm MacDonald
#73. It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.
Norm MacDonald
#74. Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.
Norm MacDonald
#76. A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others.
Norm MacDonald
#77. Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up.
Norm MacDonald
#78. This would have been a great game to watch if we didn't have any money on it.
Norm MacDonald
#79. Some men mistake generosity for charity: these flatter themselves that they are giving gratuitously, whilst they are merely rewarding secret services offered their vanity.
Norm MacDonald
#80. Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog ... The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.
Norm MacDonald
#81. Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
Norm MacDonald
#82. Love is an artful arrangement of artless pretensions, whereby we labor to appear innocent in what we desire to be most cunning.
Norm MacDonald
#83. Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.
Norm MacDonald
#84. You can't love your team without hating another team.
Norm MacDonald
#85. The soul is never perfectly secure from the influence of passion; the occasional tranquility she seems to enjoy, is rather relaxation than imperturbable triumph.
Norm MacDonald
#86. There is a very prevalent tenet with youth, that good company is every thing desirable, and that bad is even better than none.
Norm MacDonald
#87. If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.
Norm MacDonald
#89. They're like 'You're an alcoholic.' I go 'No, I'm not.' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?
Norm MacDonald
#90. I don't know anything about politics. I wouldn't put too much into my prediction on politics.
Norm MacDonald
#91. I have always loved Las Vegas. It's a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that.
Norm MacDonald
#92. A man's enemies are those he should endeavor first to make his friends.
Norm MacDonald
#93. Were there no fools, there would be no flatterers.
Norm MacDonald
#94. He that searches for praise will often find contempt.
Norm MacDonald
#95. I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
Norm MacDonald
#96. If you cannot patiently bear correction, endeavor to avoid fault.
Norm MacDonald
#97. I miss seeing real comics, Shecky Greene and Buddy Hackett, those types. I like straight stand-up, talking about the Olympics and why I feel obligated to watch them. 'Why am I watching archery at 4 in the afternoon?'
Norm MacDonald
#98. Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.
Norm MacDonald
#99. You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh?
Norm MacDonald
#100. The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.
Norm MacDonald
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