Top 37 Monkhouse Quotes
#1. My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
Bob Monkhouse
#3. A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.
Bob Monkhouse
#4. I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
Bob Monkhouse
#5. I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
Bob Monkhouse
#6. Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
Bob Monkhouse
#7. Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.
Bob Monkhouse
#8. My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'
Bob Monkhouse
#9. With my wife it was sex, sex, sex ... Yes, three times in 35 years.
Bob Monkhouse
#10. If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
Bob Monkhouse
#12. I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.
Bob Monkhouse
#13. They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
Bob Monkhouse
#14. Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
Bob Monkhouse
#15. I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.
Bob Monkhouse
#16. I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something even mildly creative.
Bob Monkhouse
#17. When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
Bob Monkhouse
#18. I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
Bob Monkhouse
#19. I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
Bob Monkhouse
#20. Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money
Bob Monkhouse
#21. A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
Bob Monkhouse
#22. I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
Bob Monkhouse
#23. You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!"
Bob Monkhouse
#25. Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.
Bob Monkhouse
#26. My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.
Bob Monkhouse
#27. Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
Bob Monkhouse
#28. I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!
Bob Monkhouse
#29. I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now
Bob Monkhouse
#30. Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
Bob Monkhouse
#31. I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
Bob Monkhouse
#32. There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!'
William Cosmo Monkhouse
#33. My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
Bob Monkhouse
#34. The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
Bob Monkhouse
#35. Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
Bob Monkhouse
#36. My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
Bob Monkhouse
#37. I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.
Bob Monkhouse
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