Top 50 Klausner Quotes
#1. Note that the #1 Top Reviewer at Amazon (4550 book reviews) is Harriet Klausner, formerly an acquisitions librarian in Pennsylvania. This just goes to show that librarians were destined to rule the Web.
Peter Morville
#3. A relationship book I once read told women to use the word 'fun' whenever possible. The author claimed it had a subliminal aphrodisiac effect on men, who want a relaxed girl attached only to good times - the human equivalent of Diet Coke. This is not me.
Julie Klausner
#4. As far as my memory being reliable, at the risk of sounding like some sort of gorgeous two-headed monster with the voices of Dave Barry and Erma Bombeck, I do think that women, like elephants, remember everything and love peanuts.
Julie Klausner
#5. In all seriousness, I don't get people who need to make a proposal a bigger deal than marriage already is.
Julie Klausner
#6. Why can't science work on making women more entitled in general? Or at least get us to listen to those L'Oreal ads that tell us how we're worth it?
Julie Klausner
#7. Do you think trees are the new birds? Don't answer that right away.
Julie Klausner
#8. It's important to remember that Mark David Chapman really set a lot of trends: such as the trend of celebrities having bodyguards.
Julie Klausner
#9. Having one of your like dumb sort of stream of consciousness tweets used against you on a right wing website is the ultimate compliment.
Julie Klausner
#10. You have to tell guys to ask you on a date. Smile when you do it - however that works, I'm not 'Cosmo.' But yeah - not a lot of people know how to 'court' anymore, sorry.
Julie Klausner
#11. Podcasts themselves cannot exist without the Internet - in a way, they are a microcosm of the Internet.
Julie Klausner
#12. This is not what anyone wants to hear, just like somebody who wants to lose weight doesn't want to hear 'diet and exercise,' but I think giving yourself time and abstaining from interaction is the only way to get over somebody.
Julie Klausner
#13. We don't use phones anymore in this day and age, yet she still phones things in.
Julie Klausner
#14. Your twenties are the worst part of your life that you don't actually know at the time is terrible.
Julie Klausner
#15. Fear can be the result of admiration, or it can be a symptom of contempt.
Julie Klausner
#16. I'm at the point, frankly, where I'd rather deal with a misogynist with a copy of Tucker Max's book in his backpack over someone in sensitive emo-boy clothing, because both are misogynists, only the one with the backpack is more honest about just how scared of women he is.
Julie Klausner
#17. Here is how you meet women: You tell the girls you are friends with - the ones in relationships - that you want a girlfriend. You shouldn't even have to say 'Set me up' or 'Introduce me!' If they're good girls, they'll get the hint.
Julie Klausner
#18. When I first started on Twitter, a relative asked, 'Aren't you concerned with giving away your jokes?' I don't think of it that way. That's my content, and that's what I do.
Julie Klausner
#20. I've always found the Irish really attractive-they make wonderful writers and sexy firefighters, and if they didn't like the Red Socks they'd be perfect.
Julie Klausner
#21. I can confidently pass up opportunities that don't make sense because there'll be better ones on the horizon, even if I have to wait.
Julie Klausner
#22. Oh, yeah, I did the online dating thing. I did Nerve, I did Match. On Nerve there was this one guy who, when I asked him what he did for a living, said he 'used to be in a band.' I was like, 'That is not an occupation.'
Julie Klausner
#24. I'm not big on regret - until time travel actually exists, it seems like a waste of making yourself feel bad
Julie Klausner
#26. I think of basset hounds whenever I turn on my computer because I have photos of them. And if I'm lucky, and I see one on the street, I know it's going to be a good day. They really are like a four-leaf clover.
Julie Klausner
#27. I'm always suspicious when a guy takes his date on a walk, because it reeks of poverty and an inability to plan.
Julie Klausner
#28. Hey! Remember the '90s?
The Clintons were in office, everybody was using AOL, Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri did "the Cheerleaders" on SNL, and everybody thought Oasis was fantastic.
In hindsight, we were all a bunch of potato-salad-eating jackasses.
Julie Klausner
#29. I think when it comes to women who write or who fancy ourselves 'hip downtown literati', there is a certain contempt for being overly sexual or really looking for boyfriends. We tend to be marginalized as some 'Sex & The City' Carrie Bradshaw chick-lit dummies who just want shoes and a ring.
Julie Klausner
#30. Babies, babies, babies! They're everywhere, aren't they? In our eyes, in our thoughts, in our arms, in our dreams. Sometimes, in our dreams, they are riding alpacas or juggling tacos - but that doesn't mean those dreams are necessarily about babies. Look, I'm not Freud.
Julie Klausner
#31. I wish podcasting was my only job - I have more fun doing that than I have doing absolutely anything else. But my job is that I'm a writer.
Julie Klausner
#32. If you're going to be a musician's girlfriend, you have to know that your man will always love his bandmates in a way you can't even touch, because they are the guys who help him create music. You can only help him create a living human being, with your dumb uterus.
Julie Klausner
#33. I think feeling responsible for stuff that goes wrong is an inherent part of being female.
Julie Klausner
#35. If the Cowardly Lion were on RuPaul's Drag Race, so much of my childhood would be less nightmarish.
Julie Klausner
#36. I have nothing snarky to say about Joan Rivers' appearance. We should all be that happy with how we look on camera, frankly.
Julie Klausner
#37. I'm always excited when I make it on anyone's list - even if it's for affirmative action. My attitude is, 'Am I the token woman on this list? Because I'll take it.'
Julie Klausner
#38. What else don't women like besides the Three Stooges? Tom Waits. Being hurt physically or emotionally.
Julie Klausner
#39. Frances McDormand is my favorite actor. I don't know if that's relevant. But she's a person who plays people. In other words, not everything has to be an over-the-top Broadway musical to get my attention, but it certainly helps.
Julie Klausner
#40. I would love to interview Michael McKean and his wife, who wrote the songs for 'A Mighty Wind,' which is my favorite Christopher Guest movie. I'm just a sucker for any funny guy that has a wife who is intelligent and that he collaborates with.
Julie Klausner
#41. I just feel like I understand Cameron Diaz better than I ever have before, and I don't like it. I don't like to see everything I see. It's like a magnifying mirror only soulful, and I'm not looking at her, I'm looking at us, you know? And our pores are huge.
Julie Klausner
#42. Because really, men and women aren't that different. One likes astrology more than car chases for some reason, but we're ultimately all looking for the same thing - to be loved and understood.
Julie Klausner
#43. Cabaret is a great format. All you have to do is sing and be funny sporadically.
Julie Klausner
#44. Any woman I know can smell a boyfriend a mile away. Women are intuitive: they know when a guy is interested but he's not going to be there for her in that boyfriend-y way.
Julie Klausner
#45. I don't make money doing my podcast. I've learned that people want to hire creative people who are already doing something when they approach them.
Julie Klausner
#46. Jealousy always trumps schadenfreude! It's a rule from the heartbreak version of 'rock, paper, scissors.
Julie Klausner
#47. The only thing that's a challenge for me is not working. I get depressed when I'm not in motion.
Julie Klausner
#48. I think Joan Rivers is such an untapped legend that people just don't appreciate, because they grew up with her on QVC, or they grew up with her on E!, or they grew up watching her do the things that in their minds the more prestigious comics wouldn't have taken or done.
Julie Klausner
#49. The kind of true-life writing that is fun to read - that makes an ally of the reader - is the kind that you are so nervous about putting down on paper that you lock the Word file with a secret password and encrypt it - and all of it.
Julie Klausner
#50. The kind of boy's club I'm used to? It is definitely not a jock-y, frat-y kind of thing. They say, 'I'm sensitive and nerdy,' but actually, it's like, 'You're a huge child and you're terrified of women, but you don't like sports, so you think that makes you less of a misogynist.'
Julie Klausner
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