Jeni's Quotes

#1. Fortunately, I had a believable, if utterly frivolous excuse for what we would have been doing out in Lafayette: There's this ice cream company called Jeni's? They're from Ohio?

Mira Grant

#2. Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Richard Jeni

#3. The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

Richard Jeni

#4. You know what the average person is? Average.

Richard Jeni

#5. You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

Richard Jeni

#6. Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really ... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'

Richard Jeni

#7. It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

Richard Jeni

#8. Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

Richard Jeni

#9. If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine ... look into that second, less painful career.

Richard Jeni

#10. Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

Richard Jeni

#11. America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!

Richard Jeni

#12. Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

Richard Jeni

#13. We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

Richard Jeni

#14. If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

Richard Jeni

#15. Against the subtle cries of nature, I found peace. I found home. I found the past and the future strung into a present that demanded to be lived.

Jeni Dhodary

#16. Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

Richard Jeni

#17. Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

Richard Jeni

#18. That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.

Richard Jeni

#19. I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.

Richard Jeni

#20. There is beauty in knowing that the unknown has the potential of being prettier than anything we have ever known.

Jeni Dhodary

#21. Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Richard Jeni

#22. Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?

Richard Jeni

#23. I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

Richard Jeni

#24. Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.

Richard Jeni

#25. There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans ... weighs as much as the other two.

Richard Jeni

#26. In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

Richard Jeni

#27. In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

Richard Jeni

#28. Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

Richard Jeni

#29. My feelings for him grow with every touch, every kiss, every heartbeat. I know he truly is mine, and I truly am his." - Jeni

K.E. Osborn

#30. Never fry bacon when you're naked.

Richard Jeni

#31. Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.

Richard Jeni

#32. It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

Richard Jeni

#33. You should write about your life. It's kind of funny. When it's not depressing as hell.

Jeni Decker

#34. Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

Richard Jeni

#35. If he desired an empire, he achieved it with me, for I would carve out every skin in my body and hand it over as states to his greater nation.

Jeni Dhodary

#36. If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Richard Jeni

#37. Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

Richard Jeni

#38. My Body is a wide house
A commune
Of bickering women, hearing
their own breathing
denying each other. (House of Changes)

Jeni Couzyn

#39. In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

Richard Jeni

#40. Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

Richard Jeni

#41. You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?

Richard Jeni

#42. A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

Richard Jeni

#43. You know me too well, Jeni," he said. "I'm always up for a
challenge. I've got you on this one! You'll be begging me to fuck you well
before that twenty-four-hour period is over. Keep the money in your bra.
I'll find it!

Jessica Jayne

#44. . . . take cover North America, I am attracted to someone.

Jeni Olin

#45. When it comes to psychopaths, there is no medication. There is no treatment. There is no cure. There are only prisons. - JENI GREGORY, PHD, LICSW, CCM, CCTP

Robert Dugoni

#46. Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

Richard Jeni

#47. Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

Richard Jeni

#48. I dont get that
people going to war over religion. I dont know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if youre going to war over religion, now youre just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

Richard Jeni

#49. I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!

Richard Jeni

#50. There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

Richard Jeni

#51. Easiest job you could ever have ... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

Richard Jeni

#52. I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

Richard Jeni

#53. In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

Richard Jeni

#54. Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!

Richard Jeni

#55. When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

Richard Jeni

#56. The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'

Richard Jeni

#57. I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

Richard Jeni

#58. A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

Richard Jeni

#59. The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

Richard Jeni

#60. Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.

Richard Jeni

#61. To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is ... zero.

Richard Jeni