Top 71 Jeff Dunham Quotes
#1. Walter: Do you see this lovely young lady sitting right here in the front row? Do you see her? Do you see her?
Jeff: Yeah.
Walter: Oh well!
Jeff Dunham
#2. I love touring, I love doing the live show and it's just like a musical artist, you just keep coming up with material and as long as you're coming up with the material and as long as audiences like it, you just keep doing it, it's your job.
Jeff Dunham
#3. A lot of my best stuff is just ad libs on stage, and that's one thing that I've gotten back to at the live show.
Jeff Dunham
#4. I've always said that instead of watching a guy juggle seven things amazingly I would rather see a really bad juggler who's really funny.
Jeff Dunham
#5. There are not that many ventriloquists out there who build their own characters. I love that because they are uniquely mine.
Jeff Dunham
#7. I'm guilty of being fascinated by gadgets and toys and technology, but any penny that I spend, I try to make it be a part of what I do for a living. Because then you are forwarding. You are forwarding that art, forwarding that career ahead.
Jeff Dunham
#8. I had a happy, dramafree youth, growing up in an upper-middle-class neighborhood in Dallas, Texas. The only thing that was slightly unusual compared to most of my friends was that I was an only child ... I don't think that's why my parents gave me a dummy, at least they've never copped to it.
Jeff Dunham
#9. Achmed 'Two Jews walk into a bar'
No no no no no' Jeff
You don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard' Achmed"
-Achmed the dead terrorist and Jeff
Jeff Dunham
#10. When I was in third grade I taught myself ventriloquism ... What's hard is to learn to be an entertainer and make people laugh. I was a few years out of college before I felt I had enough material. Then in 1988 I moved to L.A. and started to do some shows at comedy clubs.
Jeff Dunham
#11. Oh, so how did the marrige counsling go?
Well let's just say after it was over there where two people who thought I was an ass. And i was paying both of 'um.
Jeff Dunham
#12. So Achmed if you've been in my suitcase this entire time how have you been getting through security? Oh thats easy they open the suitcase and i say 'ello my name is lindey lohan!
Jeff Dunham
#13. [In my bio] is no drunk driving, there's no DUI's, there's no possession of cocaine, none of that stuff so you know, I don't know if that's good or bad. Everybody loves dirty laundry.
Jeff Dunham
#14. A comedian needs to have his own filters, needs to know his audience, how far he can push things.
Jeff Dunham
#15. Everybody has their favorite character.That's the only way I pick, whatever is going on in society, whatever I think folks will laugh at that's what I come up with.
Jeff Dunham
#16. I've got an answer to where Osama bin Laden is and I know, he's dead and living in my suitcase with my dummies.'
Jeff Dunham
#17. I'm a Macintosh nut. I got my PowerBook, so if I'm not writing jokes, I'm working on that.
Jeff Dunham
#18. Peanut: Come here puppet boy... make your daddy talk!
Jeff Dunham
#19. If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Jeff Dunham
#20. It's amazing how these little guys can say things that a mortal human could never get away with. There's some sort of unspoken license ... when outlandish things come out of an inanimate object, somehow it equals humor.
Jeff Dunham
#21. Math? Forget about it. If I add four plus eight plus six, I have to count on my fingers. I guess I'm hooked up differently.
Jeff Dunham
#22. The kids who come backstage that have cancer or whatever, make them laugh and smile for a little while, what's the problem with that? There isn't any.
Jeff Dunham
#23. There's nothing better for a comedian than adversity.
Jeff Dunham
#24. Peanut: Just last week I was lying in bed and I woke up sobbing 'I will never be happy until we return to SA-NA-TA-ANA!' And now we're here! Thank you for bringing me!
Jeff Dunham
#25. I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer.
Jeff Dunham
#26. Jeff: There's a lot of history in this city...
Peanut: Translated: Old. As. Shit.
Jeff Dunham
#27. You never know how long your fifteen minutes of fame is going to last.
Jeff Dunham
#28. The roadwork is just rehearsal for that DVD you're going to film a year later.
Jeff Dunham
#29. I'm not trying to teach anybody anything, I'm not trying to say anything, I have no political motive whatsoever. My motive is just the big laugh.
Jeff Dunham
#31. But the mechanics of learning to 'throw your voice' are pretty simple. Anyone with a tongue, an upper palate, teeth, and a normal speaking voice can learn ventriloquism.
Jeff Dunham
#32. Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Knock, knock.
Jeff Dunham: Who's there?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Me, I kill you!
Jeff Dunham
#33. The best place to find material is in real life. I've always maintained that it's not until the mid-20s that you have enough of a life to draw from. There's nothing better for a comic than to go through some bad stuff - and some good stuff, like getting married.
Jeff Dunham
#34. I think maybe one reason why ventriloquists are looked down on is because it's very difficult to be funny. I think what happens is that people get a dummy, they learn the technique of ventriloquism, they memorize the script, they think they're in show business.
Jeff Dunham
#35. I hate the beach - I'm a mountain guy. I'd much rather face a bear than a shark.
Jeff Dunham
#36. I was not one of the popular kids, I was not great at sports, girls didn't pay attention to me.I was just pretty much an average kid, no stand-out abilities, nothing note-worthy.
Jeff Dunham
#37. Every character I've had in my act - none of them have a similar creation story. I actually thought up Peanut and designed him in my head. I described him to a woman that was making soft puppets and she drew up some sketches. And the character came to be just because he popped into my head.
Jeff Dunham
#38. I try to make the majority of my audience laugh. That's my audience. They'll laugh at the dead terrorist.
Jeff Dunham
#39. Most people when they have autobiographies, they're not autobiographies, they're biographies written by a ghost writer.
Jeff Dunham
#40. Jeff- "A Hanukkah tradition is making potato pancakes. For something a little different, use a sweet potato. Anything you'd like to add, Walter?"
Walter- "Accept Jesus as your Savior or you'll burn in Hell for all eternity.
Jeff Dunham
#41. It's strange because even in the vaudeville days, ventriloquists were never the main attraction. They were the guys brought out to stand in front of the curtain while sets were being changed. Ventriloquism wasn't even celebrated as an art until Edgar Bergen came along in the 1930s.
Jeff Dunham
#42. Up until college age I was using the typical little-boy dummy that sits on the knee and makes woodpecker jokes. My first original character didn't happen until later, and that was Jose the Jalapeno on a Stick.
Jeff Dunham
#43. Achmed: Two Jews walk into a bar...
Jeff: No no no no no
Achmed: You don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard.
Jeff Dunham
#44. Growing up doing those Kiwanis Clubs, doing those Cub Scout banquets, doing those church shows, I learned to find that sensibility that most people could laugh at - that all ages and demographics could laugh at.
Jeff Dunham
#45. My goal in any show is to make people laugh. That's the No. 1 thing. Everything else pales in comparison to that.
Jeff Dunham
#46. There's no real formula for doing it, it's either just living life and writing down a joke you think of in the middle of the day and then pieces those together later.
Jeff Dunham
#47. I don't aim it at anybody specific, I don't aim my characters to make old people laugh or young people or professionals or blue collar, just whatever I think is going to be funny and it just so happens that.
Jeff Dunham
#48. The only way a ventriloquist speaks differently is that he forgoes using his or her lips, and learns to reproduce sounds using the tongue, upper palate, and teeth only. Those 'difficult' letters are B, F, M, P, V, W, and Y.
Jeff Dunham
#49. I taught myself computer. Then Macintosh came along, and it became a really bad addiction. If I wasn't in show business, I'd have pocket protectors growing out of my chest. I do everything on it. It's kinda sick.
Jeff Dunham
#50. Family time was very difficult when my girls were little, but I never missed a birthday; I was there for every major event.
Jeff Dunham
#51. I'm a pretty good ventriloquist, but it's the entertainment value and the laughs that keep people sitting there and wanting more.
Jeff Dunham
#52. Shut up or i'll kill you by Achmed the dead tarries.
Jeff Dunham
#53. That afternoon I ordered an information packet.
Jeff Dunham
#54. My parents never discouraged me. There were a couple times when my dad criticized a couple things that I did, but it was nothing. So through the bad shows, I never wanted to quit.
Jeff Dunham
#55. As humans we like to laugh at our fears, we like to whistle in the dark.
Jeff Dunham
#56. Even going to college, getting my degree in Radio TV and Film, as I was approaching the time when you have to decide on a major, I kept trying to figure out what would be the best major to enhance what I am doing as a performer.
Jeff Dunham
#57. WHAT! WE CANT TALK AT THE SAME TIME! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk, WE CAN'T DO IT! Peanut. WHAT! You said my name wrong. No it's Jeff Dun-ham. No it's dunham, No dun-ham. No dunha. No you see it says dunham jeff dun-HAM. Actually if you look at it, it say jef f dunham
Jeff Dunham
#58. I always try and do everything I can to the best of my abilities, single aspect has to be perfect.
Jeff Dunham
#59. When I was eight years old, I got a dummy for Christmas and started teaching myself. I got books and records and sat in front of the bathroom mirror, practising. I did my first show in the third grade and just kept going; there was no reason to quit.
Jeff Dunham
#60. Growing up, I thought it would be great if I could do big theaters. Now we're doing arenas.
Jeff Dunham
#61. Stand-up comedy is tough right now. Anybody can come to a concert, tape you, and put you up on the Internet. You either fight it or embrace it.
Jeff Dunham
#62. All through college, I was searching for characters that would make me unique and set me apart from the typical ventriloquist with the typical dummy that was the little boy, cheeky hard figure like Charlie McCarthy.
Jeff Dunham
#63. In 1980, when I graduated from high school, my goal was to be on 'The Tonight Show' with Johnny Carson at least once before our ten-year class reunion. Our class reunion was in June of 1990, and I was on 'The Tonight Show' in April 1990, so I made it by a few months.
Jeff Dunham
#65. jose jaliopinio on a stick" do you like bmw's (big mexican weman)
Jeff Dunham
#66. Jeff: Are you married?
Bubba J.: Yep.
Jeff: Your wife pretty?
Bubba J.: Ye... no!
Jeff: What's the difference?
Bubba J.: The light.
Jeff Dunham
#67. When a bad experience happens, you just chalk it up to the great fact that you just got five more jokes in the show.
Jeff Dunham
#68. Look, I know I didn't finish school but that frickin' says 'Sa ntah ah nah!
Jeff Dunham
#69. If people are still buying tickets, and still buying the DVDs, and they're still watching on YouTube and my fifteen minutes of fame isn't finished yet, then I'll just keep doing it.
Jeff Dunham
#70. I started in a business background, but then it was like, 'you know, I can't do math,' so I changed it to a liberal arts degree and got my Bachelor of Arts in Communications and it made sense.
Jeff Dunham
#71. I've skewered whites, blacks, Hispanics, Christians, Jews, Muslims, gays, straights, rednecks, addicts, the elderly, and my wife. As a standup comic, it is my job to make sure the majority of people laugh, and I believe that comedy is the last true form of free speech.
Jeff Dunham
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