Top 56 I Wish I Could Funny Quotes
#1. The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology's only credible conspiracy.
Bauvard
#2. Growing up my mother used to tell me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Funny how I always wanted to be me.
Leona Keyoko Pink
#4. The way you might fear a cow sitting down in the middle of the street during rush hour, that's how I fear Canadians.
Maria Semple
#5. And, in a funny way, each death is different and you mourn each death differently and each death brings back the death you mourned earlier and you get into a bit of a pile-up.
Nigella Lawson
#6. The Salton Sea is a huge dead lake south of Palm Springs. There's a town there that's the asshole of the armpit of the world. You'd fit right in.
Neal Shusterman
#7. I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.
Jon S. Lewis
#8. I give him a skeptical look. "You want to show me your dick?"
"If it'll help convince you." He drains the last drops of his Scotch and stands up. "Come on, let's go.
Kendall Ryan
#9. [Ulysses is] the work of a queasy undergraduate scratching his pimples.
Virginia Woolf
#10. Being funny is a way of being liked and a way of dealing with sadness.
Wendy Wasserstein
#11. You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah, but"-like somehow you think it's not going to be as good? Like, "I want to do the right thing-but it's probably kind of bland without the dolphin."
Louis C.K.
#12. Teaching someone to be funny is like teaching someone to be fast. They're already fast. You're just making them faster.
Ali Farahnakian
#13. My favorite type of pet has always been a dog. They're loyal, kind, and offer endless affection. My friend Eric says, 'The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.' Funny thought.
Brendon Urie
#14. A romantic comedy has to be funny and make you think about life; but the obstacle that has to be overcome is key.
Jennifer Lopez
#15. As an actor myself, the opportunity to sing and dance and be dramatic and be funny - it's really irresistible to actors. You get to show all sides of your talent.
Elizabeth Banks
#16. Oh Lola's Boobs,' he says into my chest, 'I wish we knew each other better.'
I crack up laughing.
'What's that you say?' he jokes, putting his ear to my right breast. 'You wish you could come out to play more often but Lola doesn't let you? Well, that's a shame.
Bianca Giovanni
#17. I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!
Dave Chappelle
#18. If I do depart this world out here, let it be known that I went out grinning will you, and loving it. LOVING IT.
Steve, are you listening ? I FEEL GREAT. Life's so joyous, so sad, so ephemeral, so crazy, so meaningless, so goddamn funny. This is paradise, and I wish I could give you some.
Robyn Davidson
#19. I wish I could blame my failure on my integrity & refusal to play bullshit games. But the truth is I just play them really badly.
Stephen Schneider
#20. It's funny, isn't it? When you are young you just want to be old, and then later you wish you could go back to being a kid.
Lauren Oliver
#21. Peter is ... adjusting. He's back in school, and he's doing quite well. I wish you could find it in your heart to forgive him."
"I've got this funny resentful streak about people who try to kill me.
Josh Lanyon
#22. Jase props himself up on an elbow, looking at me for a minute without saying anything. His face gets an unreadable expression, and I wish I could take back walking over.
Then he observes, "I'm guessing that's a uniform."
Crap. I'd forgotten I was still wearing it.
Huntley Fitzpatrick
#23. I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?
Woody Allen
#24. Please, I do not wish to be rescued by a gentleman. Could you find a farmer or a shopkeep - anyone not of the gentry - and then do me a great favor of forgetting you saw me?
Cindy Anstey
#25. I stop stretching and face him, unwilling to back down from this visual standoff. I'm not going to let him perform his little Jedi mind tricks on me, no matter how much I wish I could perform them on him. He's completely unreadable and even more unpredictable. It pisses me off.
Colleen Hoover
#26. A cool hand touched my arm. I jerked back. "Don't! You'll burn!"
"I'm used to it." Ayden's brown eyes twinkled. "In fact, I've been told I'm smokin'." He held out a hand, his voice soft. "By an incredible redhead who I wish, for once, knew she could trust me.
A&E Kirk
#27. I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.
Jim Norton
#28. I wish I could be as thin as Jessica Simpson. I think she looks gorgeous! I have had Jessica on my show several times, and I can tell you that girl is genuine and funny with a great self-deprecating sense of humor.
Rachael Ray
#29. It was a small town: Ferguson, Ohio. When you entered there was a big sign and it said, "Welcome to Ferguson. Beware of the Dog." The all-night drugstore closed at noon.
Jackie Vernon
#30. She says screens are the cigarettes of our age. They're toxic, and we're only going to realize the damage they're doing when it's too late.
Sophie Kinsella
#32. Funny, there had been a time when building things was what America did. From massive dams to towering skyscrapers, from mechanized factories to moon rockets, the nation had created, had viewed that as part of the national identity.
Marcus Sakey
#33. Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
Steven Wright
#34. What I don't like is when I see stuff that I know has had a lot of improv done or is playing around where there's no purpose to the scene other than to just be funny. What you don't want is funny scene, funny scene, funny scene, and now here's the epiphany scene and then the movie's over.
Paul Feig
#35. He can't get broke so long as he is stuffed with money.
L. Frank Baum
#36. Sam gave Captain Suicide a droll stare. How did you die again? Oh wait, I know this. 'I can take 'em. I don't need to wait for reinforcements. I can do it myself.' How'd that work out for you again?
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#37. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Will Rogers
#40. Not one word," Kel warned. "Tobe and I have reached an understanding."
Neal's lips twitched. "Why do I feel you did most of the understanding.
Tamora Pierce
#41. It's funny when I hear people complain - particularly about the most fabulous parts of being a designer, like when you're getting ready to work on a show. I don't even know that I'm tired. I could stay up for six days straight! No drugs, no coffee, no nothing. I'm just so excited.
Michael Kors
#42. I've seen people who are not very likeable but hilarious. I think comedians get to a point where they know they're funny, so they don't care - in the sense that they know what they're doing. They have a skill.
Ted Alexandro
#43. Sometimes writing is like talking to a stranger who's exactly like yourself in every possible way, only to realize that this stranger is as boring as shit.
Chuck Klosterman
#44. Maybe I think you're cute and funny. Maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you, if you know what I mean.
Ingrid Michaelson
#45. I see young quarterbacks just coming into the league, and they're throwing screens and layoffs right away. As funny as this might sound, I really learned a lot by going downfield, even in tight coverage.
Peyton Manning
#46. The tires are called wets, because they're used in the wet. And these tires are called slicks, because they're very slick.
Murray Walker
#48. The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
Russell Howard
#49. When I was a kid, there was no distinction between a movie about old people or young people. It was either funny or not. It was either entertaining or not. It was either exciting or not. It was either thrilling or not.
Joseph Bologna
#50. I grew up a really shy kid, but I always surrounded myself with a lot funny people. It depends on the day - if I feel like being quiet, I will be. I'm not a complete goofball, though.
Manny Montana
#51. I've always run by the hierarchy of 'If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something.
Jon Stewart
#52. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
Tim Vine
#53. All of the films I'm doing are young, urban, high-concept, funny films. That's the zone where I'd like to play and have fun in.
Vir Das
#54. I've always said people say on a dramatic show, 'I was crying. It was so emotional when he went and grabbed that little girl from a burning building and handed her over to her mother.' In comedy, the best thing you can say is, 'I think it's funny.'
Bob Newhart
#55. You should write about your life. It's kind of funny. When it's not depressing as hell.
Jeni Decker
#56. I'm not a big prank guy, because I don't like them done to me. I've been on movies sets where one guys goes into his trailer, and then people move the stairs, and he comes out of his trailer, and there's no stairs. That's not funny! I don't want to be that guy!
Terry Crews
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
