Top 100 Humour'd Quotes
#1. He turned around, suddenly concerned. Are you pregnant? Are you gay? I'd rather you were gay than pregnant. Unless you're pregnant. Then we'll deal. Whatever it is, we'll deal. Are you pregnant?
Rainbow Rowell
#2. I don't "lol". I tried it once but it just didn't agree with me.
R.D. Ronald
#3. All young people worry about things, it's a natural and inevitable part of growing up, and at the age of sixteen my greatest anxiety in life was that I'd never again achieve anything as good, or pure, or noble, or true, as my O-level results.
David Nicholls
#4. We were all used to Dad's little show-off sessions, and though they were never worthy of excitement, we always tried to humor him. (Last weekend he'd called us out to the lawn to see what a big pile of dandelions he'd weeded.)
Emily Cassel
#5. Shall we proceed, and ought I do so with my knife drawn?"
"You'd better keep it where it is for the moment," he said. "Otherwise you might stab me to death accidentally." .
"If I stab you to death," she said, "it will not be accidental.
Loretta Chase
#6. Tell me about Gang Starr,' said Nishant, in an effort to start a conversation I'd be interested in.
'One MC, one DJ ... '
'Classic combo,' Anand affirmed.
'No hype man?'
'No.'
'What do we need Anand for?' Nishant shrugged, ever the pragmatist, never the catcher of feelings.
Nikesh Shukla
#7. I fended them off as best I could while trying to shield my eyes but, tragically, I'd left my flamethrower in my other suit.
Alexis Hall
#8. I see," acknowledged Axel. "But it's not really your hunting trophy anyway, is it? I mean one that you collected yourself... Unless it died of old age, that is, right at your feet.
Aaron D'Este
#9. She introduced herself to my parents with one of her mighty, bunny-crushing handshakes. (I'd never seen Claudia crush a bunny, to be fair, but that's the approximate level of pressure.)
Maureen Johnson
#10. I like ass-watching." Peabody settled herself in comfortably."When I see one bigger than mine, it makes me feel good. When I see one smaller, it helps me resist eating a whole bunch of cookies. It's a productive hobby, my ass-watching
J.D. Robb
#11. And it's no use putting her on her honour, because - '
'Because she hasn't any,' Philip finished.
'I wouldn't say that,' said the parrot, 'of anybody. I'd only say we haven't come across it.
E. Nesbit
#12. A despairing arse will never produce a happy fart.
Frater U.D.
#13. Tod laughed. He was always able to find the humour in even the creepiest situations. I'd thought that it was an undead thing, until I became a member of the undead. Then I realized it was a Tod-thing.
Rachel Vincent
#14. Honest to God, she was the noisiest woman he'd ever been shot at with.
Jill Shalvis
#15. It's definitely not true what they say about women wanting a guy with a sense of humour. What women mean is that they want a guy with a sense of humour who is really handsome. If a girl had a choice between Brad Pitt or me, she'd pick Brad Pitt. And I'm a lot funnier than he is.
Seth Rogen
#16. Oh yeah, well I suddenly realises that she'd only been with my boyfriend at the Co-op Christmas do when I were eighteen. So I grabs her head and I stuck it through a display of them Muller's rices and I told her. That's for shagging Kevin Cooper you stupid fucking cunt.
St John Morris
#17. Cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin' in your house, I'd kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder.
Simone Elkeles
#18. Pete couldn't believe how sanctimonious somebody could be just because they'd once had a soldering iron stuck up their arse.
Alexei Sayle
#19. The the glow become brighter: a holographic golden sickle with a few sheaves of wheat, rotating just above Meg McCaffrey.
A boy in the crowd gasped. 'She's a communist!'
A girl who'd been sitting at Cabin Four's table gave him a disgusted sneer. 'No, Damien, that's my mom's symbol.
Rick Riordan
#20. If I'd have been thinking I would have left some Woolite and my delicates by the sink for him to rinse out, but you never think to turn your pet raccoon into a tiny butler until it's too late.
Jenny Lawson
#21. Oh, good. Okay, I'd like to get more sleep before I have to figure out how we find a Sith Lord in Washington.
Gini Koch
#22. You can take that needle out of my leg now. I'd like to pull up my pants.
Alison Kemper
#23. Adam pressed his hand to his face. Sighed. Right. It's just that ... He died. And I'm so freaking pissed off, I swear I'd punch him in the face if he were standing right here.
Kristina McBride
#24. When they're together, the world could fall apart around them and they'd never notice or care as long as they have each other.
About Alex and Brittany.
Simone Elkeles
#25. It'll end in tears and they won't be mine.
Aaron D'Este
#26. I wash the clothes, rinse them and then scrub them again. Will that square little box do that? I am not using any fancy machines when my hands will do.
Renita D'Silva
#27. Forget it," I said. "Opie could be bloodthirsty, rabid, radioactive, and selling life insurance and he'd still be preferable to listening to the two of you.
John Zakour
#28. That said, it was pretty awkward and a weird thing to shoot. Some women had a sense of humour about it and we'd laugh, but some were very serious and suspicious ... like I might be doing something bad, or maybe they were just uncomfortable.
Nicole Holofcener
#29. Otis," I said.
"Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis."
"I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay."
Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.
Rick Riordan
#30. So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
Steven Wright
#31. You want me to flash you" I said
He nodded vigorously, like I'd asked if he wanted fries with that.
"And then you'll pass on?"
"That's all I want. So, yeah."
I could almost believe that a fourteen-year-old boy could find deep spiritual peace from a pair of boobs.
Jeri Smith-Ready
#32. Decker smiled and shrugged off their laughter. The humour was only barbed if you sat on the outside, and now he was one of them.
R.D. Ronald
#33. I asked him if he'd come to clean the windows and he said no he'd come to demolish the house. He didn't tell me straight away of course. Oh no. First he wiped a couple of windows and charged me a fiver. Then he told me.
Douglas Adams
#34. I love Prada. Not so much the clothes, which are for malnourished thirteen-year-olds, but I covet, with covety covetousness, the shoes and handbags. Like, I LOVE them. If I was given a choice between world peace and a Prada handbag, I'd dither. (I'm not proud of this, I'm only saying.)
Marian Keyes
#35. Of course she was bloody found dead." Moore grumbled. "Some bastard cut off her head and her limbs. If she'd been found alive I would have been more than bloody surprised.
Sarah Pinborough
#36. So? I know lots of beautiful women. Nova wanted to chase ... I merely obliged her by running.
D.D. Chant
#37. You put cow dung on my face?' 'Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear?
Renita D'Silva
#38. Oh, help!" said Pooh. "I'd better go back."
"Oh, bother!" said Pooh. "I shall have to go on."
"I can't do either!" said Pooh. "Oh, help and bother!
Milne, A. A.
#39. If he decided to pursue Sienna ... Sucking in a breath Indigo promised herself she'd warn the girl if and when the time came-because no woman should have to face that campaign unprepared.
Nalini Singh
#40. I learned early and at that kitchen table that there are ways of avoiding, without guilt, the commitments of love.
P.D. James
#42. Ruby poked at her rice, her mind racing. Perhaps he'd mistaken her for someone who had done a massage course or was qualified to give spriritual advice. She could only give advice on spirits, and only then if they were alcoholic.
Lia Weston
#43. Certainly, he was the only one in the room who'd actually engaged Dante in direct conversation and informed the Poet he was an ass.
Sylvain Reynard
#44. He'd always liked women who'd talk back to him just a little bit. "Girls with balls" were good. Women with an actual mind of their own who could prove him wrong in something were, of course, castrating bitches who should be drowned in bottomless wells.
Warren Ellis
#45. If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.
Darynda Jones
#46. I mean, five gods in one stomach - dang. That's enough for doubles tennis, including a ref. They'd been down there so long, they were probably hoping Kronos would swallow down a deck of cards or a Monopoly game.
Rick Riordan
#47. The platform underneath the balloon fell on her as she was trying to escape," she explained. "She was crushed."
"I'd have been disappointed too.
Anthony Horowitz
#48. I truly believed that a man should not be seen to be out front on feminism. That would be just like a man to try to take over the women's movement. We'd taken over everything else in history, in society, in the world, why not feminism, too? No, I don't think so.
Terry Fallis
#49. So after they'd been swindled and bamboozled by the Terrans enough times they retreated to their home planets and bolted all the doors and drew all the curtains. Terrans are tricky customers to deal with even for other humans, so a saintly robot would have had no chance.
J.H.G. Foss
#50. You said cray cray."
"I'd say anything for you.
H.M. Ward
#51. D'you think he would have thought ahead like that?" said Henry.
"Assuredly," said Will. "The man's a strategist." He tapped his temple. "Like me.
Cassandra Clare
#52. Bloody Americans. Why did they have to DATE? Why couldn't they just spend their time ignoring each other, like the English? If he'd stayed in London he would never have met anyone. he'd be alone and unhappy, like me, but at least he wouldn't be DATING.
Lucy Robinson
#53. After Puckoon I swore I'd never write another book. This is it
Spike Milligan
#54. Please tell me it's not like eighty degrees in Malibu."
"It's not. It's raining, which means the natives are convinced the end is near and are engaged in ritual auto pileups in an attempt to appease the angry gods.
D.B. Reynolds
#55. D'yer see it? This finger, laddie, could send ye to meet yer Maker!
Sgt. Deisenburger stared at the black and purple nail a few inches from his face. As an offensive weapon it rated quite highly, especially if it was ever used in the preparation of food.
Terry Pratchett
#56. You can't spell American without "I can.
A.D. Aliwat
#57. I'd blow someone for a valium," I said in Jacob's ear.
"Maybe he's got one ... but try offering a hand-job first so you retain some leverage.
Jordan Castillo Price
#58. Handing me a pen is like handy a madman a knife ... at the end of it you know you'll end up with a lot of broken bones, blood, and bodies - but it'll be one hell of a story to tell your friends.
D.E.M. Emrys
#59. Dell had left the army and taken the discipline home with him. I'd left the theatre world and taken the whisky sodas home with me.
Mark Capell
#60. Ye are a scoundrel, a black-hearted robber and a rogue,' Stubble said cheerily to the grumbling captain. It was his usual way of haggling, and he'd beaten down the riverman to a decent price for conveying himself and Anvar to Lankarn.
Ian Livingstone
#61. The Tausennigan Ob'enn warlords look like cuddly teddy-bears?"
"Yes, they do, and they'd cheerfully exterminate your entire race for making that observation!"
"I guess that explains their rich military history, then.
Howard Tayler
#62. So how big an interest have you been taking in the Pilgrimage?' 'Big. That idiot Ethan really could trigger the end of the galaxy. I'd have to move.' 'How terrible.
Peter F. Hamilton
#63. Well, dearest, what would you tell a farmer who had an over-abundant harvest? To plant less, of course!" ...
"I am not complaining about the frequency of the planting," she said. "I'd just rather not reap a crop every year.
Sharon Kay Penman
#64. Charm is often despised but I can never see why. No one has it who isn't capable of genuinely liking others, at least at the actual moment of meeting and speaking. Charm is always genuine; it may be superficial but it isn't false.
P.D. James
#65. If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards!
Terry Pratchett
#66. Welcome to your new bodies, gentlemen. If you'd like, I can help you start your own 'dysmorphia is all in your head' support group.
Howard Tayler
#67. Jase props himself up on an elbow, looking at me for a minute without saying anything. His face gets an unreadable expression, and I wish I could take back walking over.
Then he observes, "I'm guessing that's a uniform."
Crap. I'd forgotten I was still wearing it.
Huntley Fitzpatrick
#68. She wondered if J.D. had polo ponies on his condoms.
Julie James
#69. I'd always used humour as a weapon, as a protection. But being able to make people laugh is a way of not getting in too deep; it's a quick, transient fix.
Michelle Gomez
#70. Go! Go! Go! Go!' said that officer, with an expression as though he considered our Cap an individual of the animal kingdom whom neither Buffon nor any other natural philosopher had ever classified, and who, as a creature of unknown habits, might sometimes be dangerous.
E.D.E.N. Southworth
#71. I knew you'd be late," Zane commented as Ty walked past him.
"And I knew you'd still have that stick up your ass," Ty responded
with a shake of his head, not slowing as Zane spoke to him.
Abigail Roux
#72. It's a terrible person who listens to what we say rather than what we mean
F.D. Lee
#73. What do you do,' said Jean, 'with, ah, "ungifted" children when you have them?'
'Cherish them and raise them, you imbecile. Most of them end up working for us, in Karthain and elsewhere. What did you think we'd do, burn them on a pyre?'
'Forget I asked
Scott Lynch
#74. She'd never been any kind of camper, never had been good at relieving a full bladder on a whim. Never had quite figured out that squat; it seemed like she'd always wet her right foot.
Robyn Carr
#75. This faulty light fitting at the front door with the dangerously flickering bulb looks rather festive. Who says I don't do Christmas?
R.D. Ronald
#76. I always pick a gorgeous time to fall over a suitcase or something.
J.D. Salinger
#77. Not even a hand-stitched suit could hide a body gone ruinously to seed. I was tempted to offer some fashion advice, but I didn't think he'd welcome the news that this year, bellies are being worn inside the trousers
Val McDermid
#78. He was trying to talk to Cath about buffalo. As far as she could tell, Levi had a whole class that was just about buffalo. He seemed like he'd major in buffalo if that were an option. Maybe it was an option ... .
Rainbow Rowell
#79. Yeah, that sure was Mace Llewellyn staring at her from the other side of her desk. Just staring. Like he used to. Like he knew where she'd buried the bodies of all her goldfish after their unfortunate "accidents" or what she did with her sisters' toothbrushes on more than one occasion.
Shelly Laurenston
#80. If you want the extra-ordinary, you've got to be willing to forsake the ordinary' - Annie Grimes in Mr Alhourani's Dead Man's Spots
D.M. Lee
#81. If I looked like him," Tara said. "I'd want to have sex with myself. All the time.
Jill Shalvis
#82. I fell in love with her for her sense of humour. If she ever lost her sense of humour, I would have to dump her. Then I'd kill myself because I couldn't live without her.
Dean Koontz
#83. I love Andre 3000 from OutKast. I think we'd complement each other, but I'm hoping he's got a good sense of humour.
Paloma Faith
#85. He'd never been shy, but he'd always been a little uncertain around girls. He just couldn't believe they liked him.
Robyn Carr
#86. I'm definitely responsible for the image that I put out there. But it does become frustrating, because I don't want 'sexy' to be my defining characteristic. I'd love for my ambition and will and intellect and sense of humour to define me as well.
Eva Mendes
#87. Jacob glanced across at the woman. 'She'd have you for breakfast, mate.'
'Yeah,' Luca countered, 'maybe I want to be had for breakfast.
Sharon Sant
#88. Gomst's mouth framed a 'no', but every other muscle in him said 'yes'. You'd think priests would be better liars, what with their jobs and all.
Mark Lawrence
#89. I always thought eating was a ridiculous activity anyway. I'd get out of it myself if I could, though you've got to do it to stay alive, they tell me.
Margaret Atwood
#90. She had surrendered her virtue at six-and-ten, to a beautiful blond-haired sailor on a trading galley up from Lys. He only knew six words of the Common Tongue, but "fuck" was one of them - the very word she'd hoped to hear.
George R R Martin
#91. Marvin," he said, "just get this elevator go up will you? We've got to get to Zarniwoop."
"Why?" asked Marvin dolefully.
"I don't know," said Zaphod, "but when I find him, he'd better have a very good reason for me wanting to see him.
Douglas Adams
#92. I'd seen more cops in the last few days than on a weekend LAW and ORDER marathon - Paigne Winterbourne
Kelley Armstrong
#93. Kayla snatched the ruby-coloured bra he'd dug out from behind his back. "You should know, you're the one who got it off me," she said.
Meg Cabot
#94. He didn't look as if he'd been through a whirlwind exactly but he'd certainly endured a stiff breeze.
Sara Sheridan
#95. They'd had to empty their pockets and turn over Aunt Val's purse to the security guard. That way, I wouldn't be tempted to try to kill anyone with her lip gloss and her travel-size pack of tissues.
Rachel Vincent
#96. If wishes were horses, I'd need a very big stable.
Greg Curtis
#97. Every culture loves scatological humour. That's always a favourite.
Alex D. Linz
#98. Matt shrugged. It was a good shrug, too. All it was missing was a beret, a stripy shirt and a Gauloise cigarette.
D.C. Farmer
#99. It would be fun," Skulduggery nodded. "I like kicking Wreath in the face. I haven't had a chance to do it nearly as much as I'd like.
Derek Landy
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