Top 100 Funny You Are Quotes

#1. I know that look. What are you up to, Gwen?"
"What makes you think I'm up to something?"
The Valkyrie snorted. "You're breathing, aren't you?

Jennifer Estep

Funny You Are Quotes #4904
#2. Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?"

Anthony Griffin

Funny You Are Quotes #22780
#3. Are you educated in the art of medicine?" Yeah, the art of Walgreens and Urgent Care. "A bit," I hedged.

Lisa T Bergren

Funny You Are Quotes #22797
#4. Brooke?" he finally found the sense to ask. "What are you doing here?"
"I need a gun."
This was not how his dream was supposed to go.

Shannon K. Butcher

Funny You Are Quotes #24025
#5. Don't get me wrong, there are sometimes if I go and see a really funny comedy, that I wished I had smoked a joint. I'll be honest with you. That's the truth.

Stephen Baldwin

Funny You Are Quotes #25280
#6. If you are doing stand-up comedy, you have to be confident in what you are doing. That doesn't mean just because you are confident you are funny.

Judah Friedlander

Funny You Are Quotes #25525
#7. Y are you called the cheese man?

Barbara Park

Funny You Are Quotes #28083
#8. I came in several times and spoke, but perhaps you were asleep when I thought you were awake.'
'You are very considerate to explain it this way,' Sugreeva said, 'but I was drunk

R.K. Narayan

Funny You Are Quotes #30284
#9. There are two things you can't argue in film: comedy and eroticism. If something doesn't make you laugh, no one can tell you why it's funny, and it's difficult to reason someone out of an erection.

Roger Ebert

Funny You Are Quotes #32360
#10. What's so funny about cats is that they have this kind of aloof, superior vibe to them. Even if you love them, they are unpredictable. Dogs are more social, and the way that they attach and bond to us is much more human.

Ze Frank

Funny You Are Quotes #33818
#11. I'm glad you think this is funny," he says. "Come on," I say. "Tragedy is funny." "Are we in a tragedy?" he asks, smiling broadly now. "Of course. Isn't that what life is? We all die at the end.

Nicola Yoon

Funny You Are Quotes #35518
#12. Forgive me ... I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.

Lloyd Alexander

Funny You Are Quotes #43718
#13. You can analyse a joke and say it's funny because this guy thought this was going to happen, and that happened, and it's surprising. But not all surprising things are funny.

John Lloyd

Funny You Are Quotes #46592
#14. Look at the people who are kind of the funniest cultures, they're the cultures of the people who have been the most oppressed, black people and Jews. Not that they're the only funny people, but culturally, it comes from the pain, you know?

Sarah Silverman

Funny You Are Quotes #46803
#15. It's not funny anymore...", did you heard your self, you are entering a position called, "I wanna be a victim..., please take me".

Deyth Banger

Funny You Are Quotes #49996
#16. What would you like to do today?" he says. She gives him a funny look. "What are my options?" "Sky's the limit." She considers it for a moment. "Brunch?" "I say the sky's the limit and all you can come up with is brunch?" "I'm just not sure we live under the same sky.

Jonathan Tropper

Funny You Are Quotes #52781
#17. People in Tibet have an expression. When you reach a certain degree of venerableness and age, and people ask, "How are you?," there is an expression that people use that means, "Just barely not dead." Some people might be frightened by it but I think it's quite funny.

Robert Thurman

Funny You Are Quotes #54005
#18. Green Lantern: "What are your powers anyway? You can't fly."
Batman: "No."
Green Lantern: "Super-strength?"
Batman: "No."
Green Lantern: "Hold on a second ... You're not just some guy in a bat costume, are you? Are you freaking kidding me?!

Geoff Johns

Funny You Are Quotes #55845
#19. Are you there God? It's me, Margaret.

Judy Blume

Funny You Are Quotes #55986
#20. Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Joan Rivers

Funny You Are Quotes #59014
#21. They didn't know why these things were funny. Sometimes you laugh because you've got no more room for crying. Sometimes you laugh because table manners on a beach are funny. And sometimes you laugh because you're alive, when you really shouldn't be.

Terry Pratchett

Funny You Are Quotes #64548
#22. Yes you are right," said Pavel. "We will succeed simply because we are the best in all of world. We will get LVR by using incredible intelligence."
Leon showed he was in full agreement by screaming and hitting himself repeatedly on the head.

Cuthbert Soup

Funny You Are Quotes #64575
#23. You are not just a funny person or just a journalist. Most people are hybrids of having a smart opinion and a great sense of humor.

Katie Nolan

Funny You Are Quotes #65488
#24. You know what? At the end of the day, funny is funny. I hope to see the end of all the female cliches that are written in a lot of comedies that are named chick flicks.

Wendi McLendon-Covey

Funny You Are Quotes #66805
#25. Perfect," he groaned. "You are perfect." He sank his teeth into her ass, hard, drawing blood. "And now you wear my mark," he finished proudly. "Your ass is mine.

Hanna Lui

Funny You Are Quotes #66999
#26. And identity is funny being yourself is funny as you are never yourself to yourself except as you remember yourself and then of course you do not believe yourself.

Gertrude Stein

Funny You Are Quotes #71731
#27. Nanahara: Where are you going, Boss?
Yashiro: To the convenience store. Whenever I buy all the condoms they have in stock and bring it to the cashier, the part-timer there makes a funny face.
Nanahara: ... That's an interesting hobby.

Kou Yoneda

Funny You Are Quotes #71894
#28. That's the funny thing about America
the blessed thing. As many people as there are to hold you back, there are angels whose humanity makes up for all the others. I've had my share of angels.

Abraham Verghese

Funny You Are Quotes #74813
#29. What is about Army uniforms? Especially combats. They are just drool-worthy, if you ask me.

Aditi Mathur Kumar

Funny You Are Quotes #75549
#30. You're not going to tell me they built fifty-foot-high killer golems, are you?"
"Only a man would think of that.
It's our job," said Moist. "If you don't think of fifty-foot-high killer golems first, someone else will.

Terry Pratchett

Funny You Are Quotes #75581
#31. On my way to the parking lot, in quick succession, I saw students wearing t-shirts which read, "Save the whales. Collect the whole set," "Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now," and "Half the people you know are below average." Typical for the Eastern student body.

Neil S. Plakcy

Funny You Are Quotes #80988
#32. Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without even your asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective people.

Wendy Wasserstein

Funny You Are Quotes #85583
#33. Girls are supposed to be feminine and demure. Comedy isn't about that, so you just have to unlearn it. Certain women are so pretty, they can't go weird enough to be funny. You have to be willing to be ugly. I'm lucky my face can look so hideous.

Jennifer Coolidge

Funny You Are Quotes #88530
#34. Is that all you bought?" His eyes shot to the left. "Um." I clenched my teeth. "What else?" "A Super Mega Juicer," he said quickly. "But, Sabina, seriously that juicer is a miracle machine." "I'm a vampire, Giguhl. The only liquids I drink are blood and alcohol. I don't do juice.

Jaye Wells

Funny You Are Quotes #89585
#35. Don't think you are looking at me because you are not.

Eugene Ormandy

Funny You Are Quotes #91166
#36. When it's all said and done remember, You are only as old as you look.

Mark W. Boyer

Funny You Are Quotes #100367
#37. At the door, Audrey called, "Are you coming?"
"No, just breathing hard, love." He glanced at her and was rewarded by an outraged glare, followed by, "Oh, my God!

Ilona Andrews

Funny You Are Quotes #101271
#38. What's funny about that office is it's entirely dependent on how close you are to the president, because the president decides what your role will be. If you get on with the president, that's great; if you fall out with the president, power can go away.

Armando Iannucci

Funny You Are Quotes #103071
#39. I always used to tell my players that we are here to win! And you know what, Al? When you don't win, you lose.

John Madden

Funny You Are Quotes #106024
#40. Don't write us off. Nobody thought we'd win the World Series in 2005, but we did. There are years when we think we're great, and we're bad. I mean, the funny thing about this game is that you can't figure it out.

Jerry Reinsdorf

Funny You Are Quotes #113055
#41. The people who know you well are the people who know your vulnerabilities.

Danny Wallace

Funny You Are Quotes #114975
#42. If you are a great dramatic actor then you often don't know if people are enjoying your stuff at all because they are sitting there in silence. But with comedy it's a simple premise. If it's funny, people laugh. If it's not, they don't.

Steve Coogan

Funny You Are Quotes #115106
#43. I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

George Carlin

Funny You Are Quotes #117029
#44. A choice is like a jigsaw puzzle, darling troll. Your worries are the corner pieces, and your hopes are the edge pieces, and you, Hawthorn, dearest of boys, are the middle pieces, all funny-shaped and stubborn. But the picture, the picture was there all along, just waiting for you to get on with it.

Catherynne M Valente

Funny You Are Quotes #117515
#45. People are just funny sometimes if you find the right character.

Natalie Portman

Funny You Are Quotes #117831
#46. Jesse, we can't do this."
"Sure we can, honey. It's the perfect night for it. You're a woman, I'm a
man. Those little twinkling things overhead are stars. I believe it's referred to as romance.

Christine Feehan

Funny You Are Quotes #118440
#47. You know you are a human when a beautiful image appearing on television/computer/smartphone/tab screen appears more alive than a living being.
Basically, we are stupid.

Saurabh Sharma

Funny You Are Quotes #120708
#48. Isn't that funny, to think that the people who have lived in your daydreams for the past two weeks, the people whom you've drawn in your chemistry notebook, to think that those people might not even know who you are?

Leila Sales

Funny You Are Quotes #122539
#49. I just don't believe in helping people who are going to torture me. Though I don't see any bamboo slivers. How can you possibly torture someone without bamboo slivers?

Laurell K. Hamilton

Funny You Are Quotes #123045
#50. Why are you covering your breasts?"
Turning her back to him, she stepped into her dress.
"Why are you so interested in my breasts?"
"I am only interested in them because you hide them," he informed her. "I would not find them interesting if you would stop wearing clothing.

Viola Rivard

Funny You Are Quotes #125144
#51. As soon as you are trying to be funny or dramatic, that's when things start feeling fake and boring.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Funny You Are Quotes #126471
#52. There are quite a few very funny people in my life. You know those people who don't mean to be funny, they just come out with these zingers that just make you howl with laughter. Usually you find these people in the road crew. A good crew is a key to a healthy funny bone.

Tori Amos

Funny You Are Quotes #127082
#53. Sometimes I even feel funny to say I'm in a biracial marriage because people are like, 'Oh, he's Asian?' The subtext is, 'Who cares? You didn't marry a black person.'

Diane Farr

Funny You Are Quotes #128885
#54. Shoes are funny beasts. You think they're just clothes, but really, they're alive. They want things. Fancy ones with gems want to go to balls, big boots want to go to work, slippers want to dance. Or sleep. Shoes make the path you're on. Change your shoes, change your path.

Catherynne M Valente

Funny You Are Quotes #130660
#55. Don't you just hate it, when you are in bed with three beautiful women, and the least attractive one whispers: save it for me!

Jim Carrey

Funny You Are Quotes #131212
#56. I think that comedy is a good defense for a child. Because you know childhood is a nightmare as it is. And so why not use comedy and being funny as a defense to get through your life as opposed to drugs, alcohol and good looks? Because those things are dangerous when your young.

Joy Behar

Funny You Are Quotes #136084
#57. What are the chances that you'd be there? It's funny sometimes the way the world works. Makes you think there's got to be a reason things turn out the way they do." -Louis

Michelle Schlicher

Funny You Are Quotes #136138
#58. I love funny people, and when I'm with funny people, or people who are amusing in their weirdness, I love it. Because that to me is funny, as opposed to someone who stops and says, 'Hey let me tell you a joke.'

Paul Feig

Funny You Are Quotes #138485
#59. You can drink pickle juice and imitate gorillas and do silly dances and sing stupid songs and wear funny hats and be as imperfect as you please and still be a good person. Good people are hard to find nowadays. And they're a lot more fun than perfect people any day of the week.

Stephen Manes

Funny You Are Quotes #139333
#60. Jeez, you're strong. And you, Sam, are a conversational reject.

Anne Tenino

Funny You Are Quotes #141288
#61. Are you sure you can't dematerialize? Not even a little?"
"I'm sure.

Lauren Oliver

Funny You Are Quotes #142110
#62. Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt.

Mike Birbiglia

Funny You Are Quotes #146375
#63. What? Why are you making the glee nose? The death of my world is funny? The final vengeance of my people? I will kill you.

Jackson Lanzing

Funny You Are Quotes #146660
#64. You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."

Jim Gaffigan

Funny You Are Quotes #147198
#65. The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

Joe E. Lewis

Funny You Are Quotes #148952
#66. Kyle, you are a mellow dude ... You can't be with an agitator. And that's what she is. An agitator. She's a Jackson Pollock and you're a Thomas Kinkade.

Genevieve Dewey

Funny You Are Quotes #149706
#67. Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

Lewis Black

Funny You Are Quotes #152874
#68. It was funny how people were people everywhere you went, even if the people concerned weren't the people the people who made up the phrase "people are people everywhere" had traditionally thought of as people.

Terry Pratchett

Funny You Are Quotes #156092
#69. Hammond turned to Gennaro. "You know, of course, what Dr. Grant and Dr. Sattler do. They are paleontologists. They dig up dinosaurs." And then he began to laugh, as if he found the idea very funny.

Michael Crichton

Funny You Are Quotes #157770
#70. GRANDMA: Are you a gay?
ORPHEUS: I am straight. I'm definitely dating a girl, gran. Do you think she's a man?
*She laughs*
ORPHEUS' BRAIN: Thank god she took it as a joke. I would have been executed on the town square for such a rude back answer.

Scarlett Brukett

Funny You Are Quotes #160428
#71. James scoffed. "We are not being held prisoner. You're so dramatic."
"Oh yeah, she just kidnapped us and told us the only way we're going to be let go is if we go to other alien planets and steal from them. You're right, James, I'm clearly overly overreacting," Kat snapped.

L. Taylor

Funny You Are Quotes #161398
#72. If you have doubts about someone, lay on a couple of jokes. If he doesn't find anything funny, your radar should be screaming. Then I would say be patient with people who are negative, because they're really having a hard time.

Michael J. Fox

Funny You Are Quotes #161474
#73. Do you think it's funny that both of our favourite memories are about the people we like the least now?" I ask.

"Maybe that's why we dislike them," she says. "The distance between who they were and who they are is so wide, we have no hope of getting them back.

Nicola Yoon

Funny You Are Quotes #163052
#74. Funny, how moms can tell you what to do no matter how old or big you are.

Gabrielle Reece

Funny You Are Quotes #166950
#75. Books are totally useless unless you take their advice. If you just keep reading them, thinking "that's so insightful! that changes everything," but never actually doing anything different, then pretty quickly the feeling will wear off and you'll start searching for another book to fill the void.

Aaron Swartz

Funny You Are Quotes #169350
#76. I'm not a very serious person. You know how they say that clowns are very funny in public and are really sad at home? I'm really kind of stupid at home and more serious in public.

Roland Joffe

Funny You Are Quotes #171878
#77. A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

Erma Bombeck

Funny You Are Quotes #174479
#78. What do you mean 'speaking of fairy tales'? Since when do fairy tales include gigolos?" Annie asked.
"Well, since most fairy-tale princes are either gay or weirdly attached to their mommies, I think Walt Disney should seriously consider their inclusion," Sophie answered.

Elle Aycart

Funny You Are Quotes #174860
#79. Monkeys
What! His partner said.
Monkeys are funny, said Peabody.'So why didn't we we pick monkeys.
His partner sighed and shook his head with sad dismay.
Monkeys? Jesus.
Monkeys' idea of fun is throwing their shit at you. Monkeys always take the joke a step too far.

Toby Barlow

Funny You Are Quotes #175419
#80. I always surprise myself with my voice. A lot of people don't get it, and they're like, 'You can't sing. Stop. What are you doing?' And it's funny to hear a lot people say I sing in falsetto because it's not falsetto - that's my voice.

Shamir

Funny You Are Quotes #177911
#81. Why are you wearing a T-shirt under your other T-shirt?" Livvy asked.
"In case one of them is stolen," Marked said, as it were entirely normal.

Cassandra Clare

Funny You Are Quotes #178525
#82. What are you?" he demanded. "A slayer?" I rolled my eyes. "The name's Val, not Buffy. Do I look like a blond cheerleader with questionable taste in men?

Parker Blue

Funny You Are Quotes #179987
#83. You're looking good today Bret. Very hot ... hotter than Jemaine. You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome.

Kristen Schaal

Funny You Are Quotes #186630
#84. Do you have ovaries?" Jacob asked.
I shot him a look. "Yes"
He slid down the back of the couch and sat beside Brittany. "Then how are you not intrested?

J. Lynn

Funny You Are Quotes #191528
#85. It's funny how the closer you get to God, the more you realize how far you are from Him.

Mark Hart

Funny You Are Quotes #192994
#86. If we all learnt cat-speak, we would often find they are saying, "You stupid human, I am trying to tell you something important right now!

Leah Broadby

Funny You Are Quotes #193684
#87. If a wizard should take up residence in your garden and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.

Mark Jackman

Funny You Are Quotes #194671
#88. No laws: to break, or to follow. Do anything you want. Which does funny things to you. Very quickly, surprisingly quickly, you become-" [ ... ] "exactly who you are.

Samuel R. Delany

Funny You Are Quotes #195315
#89. I gotta stop saying "how stupid could you be?" I'm beginning to feel like people are taking as a challenge

Kevin Hart

Funny You Are Quotes #195688
#90. Fall colors are funny. They're so bright and intense and beautiful. It's like nature is trying to fill you up with color, to saturate you so you can stockpile it before winter turns everything muted and dreary.

Siobhan Vivian

Funny You Are Quotes #200118
#91. When I write, it feels like there are two little creatures that sit on each of my shoulders. One whispers, "You can do this. You've got what it takes." The other sounds like my mother-in-law.

Carla H. Krueger

Funny You Are Quotes #201871
#92. Are you afraid the Ender Dragon is coming after you?" Lucy joked. "I'm looking at the moon," Steve said quite seriously. "I think I want to explore the moon. Are you guys in?" "Funny,

Winter Morgan

Funny You Are Quotes #204432
#93. You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!

James Dashner

Funny You Are Quotes #205578
#94. It's funny ... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing ... the line you are not to cross.

Daniel Tosh

Funny You Are Quotes #206485
#95. Let's roll out, Batman."
"I'm Batman and you're Robin?"
"Don't make me laugh. I'm Spider-Man."
"Then we live in different universes. I'm DC and you're Marvel."
Duncan rolled his eyes. "Can't we all get along? And since when are there different universes?

Mimi Strong

Funny You Are Quotes #207015
#96. Aliens - if they exist - are little green men with big eyes and spindly arms or ... or giant insects or something like a lumpy
little creature." Daemon let out a loud laugh. "ET?"
"Yes! Like ET, asshole. I'm so glad you find this funny.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

Funny You Are Quotes #207894
#97. In the dark, Dave reached for Roger's hand as they watched the shadowed lovemaking. "Were we ever that beautiful?"
"You still are," Roger told him.
"Maybe we should make the most of the hurricane."
"This is definitely foreplay."
"It's like Tumblr, the live version.

S.E. Jakes

Funny You Are Quotes #211633
#98. It's crazy because people expect you to be funny all the time and every day is not a funny day. I go to funerals and people are like 'tell a joke' and 'say one of your lines in a movie.' It's a funeral, man!

Chris Tucker

Funny You Are Quotes #212040
#99. Sympathy is why when a man is getting mugged, you let him keep his shirt after you take his life. Funerals are respectable affairs, after all.

Bauvard

Funny You Are Quotes #213046
#100. I think you should know that real-life white people are not all as funny as the ones on 'Seinfeld'.

Aaron McGruder

Funny You Are Quotes #216042

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