Top 38 Funny Wake Up Quotes
#1. I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'
Bill Bailey
#2. One of my fears is that I'm suddenly not going to be funny, but still think I am. That's like my nightmare that I can wake up in a cold sweat from.
Judd Apatow
#3. The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to change your name and start a new life in a different city.
Vance Bourjaily
#4. I wake up every day and look at my own ugly mug in the mirror and don't think twice about it. The fact that other people might want to look at me still feels funny. It's flattering, but funny.
Luke Bracey
#5. Life is an absolute Dream... then I wake up.
Jane
#6. I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."
Mitch Hedberg
#7. I miss being able to wake up when I want and go on stage when I want and pull down my pants when I want.
Mark Wahlberg
#8. Just because a baby cries, I discovered, doesn't mean there's always something wrong. Sometimes babies wake up for no real reason. They just want to check if they're doing it right. "This is Sleeping, right?" "Exactly." "I just lie here?" "That's right." "Okay." Then back to sleep they go.
Paul Reiser
#9. Reassuring thoughts have a funny way of getting stuck on repeat. Then you wake up one day and you can't remember where you put the last thirty years of your life.
S.A. Tawks
#10. Want to enjoy an restful day? Wake up, turn your phone on, meditate, look at the sky - then toss your phone into the bushes.
Waylon H. Lewis
#11. Politics has become incendiary. People don't find it so funny now so I have to be careful, but I have to wake them up with some truths and the truths I aim at them are over 100 years old. Facts that no one can dispute.
Hal Holbrook
#12. Do you ever take a holiday? Like, do any of you just wake up and think 'Today feels like a pyjama day.'? or is it always, 'Today is a good day for murdering and stalking.'?
Catherine Doyle
#14. People always ask me, Do you ever think you'll wake up one morning and not be funny? That thought would never occur to me
it's an odd thought and not realistic. Because funny and me are not separate. We're one.
Woody Allen
#15. Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.
Mitch Hedberg
#16. I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money.
Kevin Meaney
#17. I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
Mitch Hedberg
#18. If the worst that happens is that I wake up and see a picture of myself and a headline saying, 'He wasn't very funny last night', then I've got nothing to complain about.
Matt Lucas
#19. Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won't sparkle in the sunshine, he'll just marry you.
Nick Shamhart
#20. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow
Homer
#21. They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up!
Frankie Boyle
#22. It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?" But at night you're like, "La La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, awesome! And I've seen this episode. That Kirk Cameron's always in trouble."
Jim Gaffigan
#23. Now go to sleep. I'll wake you up when I want you."
"Should I just sleep with my legs spread or what?
Dominique Frost
#24. Olgun! Wake up!"
Her mind was filled with a sense of self-righteous and
vaguely drowsy protest.
"Sure you weren't, she needled at him. You were just
practicing snoring, so you'd be sure to get it right later on,
yes?"
Olgun's response very strongly resembled an indignant
snort.
Ari Marmell
#25. COFFEE! Because this body is NOT going to wake itself up!
Tanya Masse
#26. I've risen from the dead. Though sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I feel like I've died. I swear I'm aging in dog years. But no, I'm not dead. It's funny how stuff like that gets started.
Tony Stewart
#27. The funny thing is, in reality we all just presume that life is going to happen when we wake up in the morning. What if it didn't?
A. Antares
#28. When I wake up I look like a madman, like something out of a horror movie! That's why I sleep alone. But the funny thing is that I'm very impeccable and clean before I go to bed. It's just like right before I'm going out.
Karl Lagerfeld
#29. Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they'll wake up with a smile on their face.
Bauvard
#30. Daddy is trying really fugging hard to think of a not-terrifying reason why you'd wake Daddy up in the middle of the night to ask that fugging question. But no. No. Daddy does not have a match or a lighter.
John Green
#31. I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
Joan Rivers
#32. Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
Dane Cook
#33. Slayde came out of the kitchen, long brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, T-shirt dusted with flour, coffee in hand. If you wake the kids up before two, I'm going to beat you with a skillet.
Sean Michael
#34. I saw something stupid in the paper today. A new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises. Instead, it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those.. it's called a window.
Jay Leno
#35. I got the wake-up call that no one is policing our oceans. I wondered, how can I do anything? What really can I do to make things better? There are some perks to being a celebrity. My job is to be funny once in a while, but it's my responsibility to make good use of it.
Angela Kinsey
#36. The funny thin is, you say it like it's so unusual that you've only done it once. But I bet a whole lot of people go through their lives without ever telling the truth, not really. And they wake up in the same body and the same life every singe morning.
David Levithan
#37. A good joke can spread throughout the Internet between the time you go to bed and the time you wake up, leading to an inbox filled with pictures of funny cats and cheeseburgers.
Rosanna Pansino
#38. Did you ever wake up with an erection ... and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"
Zach Galifianakis
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