Funny Random Famous Quotes & Sayings

List of top 100 famous quotes and sayings about funny random to read and share with friends on your Facebook, Twitter, blogs.

Top 100 Funny Random Quotes

#1. Don't make me throw my boot at you, because I will, you grumpy high testosterone driven male - Author: Keisha Keenleyside
Funny Random Quotes #490725
#2. I never knew how much I missed pickles and pickle juice. It's like, an overwhelming feeling that I can't even explain. - Author: Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi
Funny Random Quotes #592662
#3. A blanket is a tell-all story about its endeavors with certain highly publicized people and their somewhat promiscuous acts. - Author: Nicole McKay
Funny Random Quotes #585857
#4. If you want to say, Lucia, there is no inside of the park benches, I won't argue with you. But, then you have to say where the pigeons come from. - Author: Jesse Ball
Funny Random Quotes #578969
#5. A brick could be used as a frame for a door, and the blanket could be used as the door. - Author: Nicole McKay
Funny Random Quotes #564752
#6. So this crow comes and it starts quacking at us. - Author: Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi
Funny Random Quotes #559505
#7. This isn't a trunk monkey, is it." Nick
"No. It's not. It's a memento from your enemies." Caleb
"Yeah, well, at least it makes my heart surgery scar look cooler." Nick - Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon
Funny Random Quotes #554949
#8. If my hair was on fire and llamas came to put it out, he'd tell me the shot was great. - Author: Erin Dionne
Funny Random Quotes #527761
#9. The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners. - Author: Bauvard
Funny Random Quotes #522096
#10. I will play Truth or Dare, you sucker, until you can't tell your truth from your dare. -CAROLINE - Author: Alice Clayton
Funny Random Quotes #520360
#11. World is so full of idiots that you can't even imagine to escape. The only solution is isolation. But it still spares one! - Author: Raheel Farooq
Funny Random Quotes #516997
#12. Ladies glisten, men perspire, horses sweat.

-Early Nun Quote, The Old Ursuline Convent (1727)
New Orleans, LA - Author: Diana Hollingsworth Gessler
Funny Random Quotes #508097
#13. Leo took out a pen and autographed the arm of one of the nymphs. Narcissus is a loser! He's so weak, he can't bench-press a Kleenex. He's so lame, when you look up lame on Wikipedia, it's got a picture of Narcissus - only the picture's so ugly, no one ever checks it out. - Author: Rick Riordan
Funny Random Quotes #504142
#14. Woah, their gorgeous not so fast I haven't even catched your name or your number - Jaxson Evans - Author: Brit Gosik
Funny Random Quotes #621794
#15. The Bible talks about building houses on sand and rock, but says nothing about a brick house built on a blanket. - Author: Nicole McKay
Funny Random Quotes #475970
#16. And I figured you'd drive a four-hour round-trip before giving up your car to someone else - Author: Richelle Mead
Funny Random Quotes #475523
#17. Babe, I don't know you and my no zone has a very short guest list. Consider my belt the velvet rope no one crosses without an express invitation. - Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon
Funny Random Quotes #474892
#18. Dogs are angels full of poop. - Author: Oliver Gaspirtz
Funny Random Quotes #469401
#19. Sometimes you are the peanut to my butter and sometimes you are those annoying crumbs left over when someone makes toast. - Author: Brenda Lochinger
Funny Random Quotes #457931
#20. There's no denying Bird-man's well-intentioned heart. He's a good guy, not the type of prick who would take your favorite Stryper t-shirt on tour and bequeath it to some random trollop he hooks up with while conveniently forgetting you ever existed. - Author: Shauna Cross
Funny Random Quotes #455044
#21. Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM! - Author: Rick Riordan
Funny Random Quotes #454687
#22. I will call bullshit on that so many times that the word bullshit will lose all meaning. -Milo - Author: Cora Carmack
Funny Random Quotes #451934
#23. People in hell want snowcones. - Author: Nora Roberts
Funny Random Quotes #450803
#24. Green grass breaks through snow,
Artemis pleads for my help,
I am so cool. - Author: Rick Riordan
Funny Random Quotes #438838
#25. Damn it. Reyes could be such a butthead. Freaking Antichrists. - Author: Darynda Jones
Funny Random Quotes #415597
#26. You could carve out the inside of a brick and hide your money in it for safe keeping. It's certainly safer than keeping it in the bank! - Author: Nicole McKay
Funny Random Quotes #685894
#27. The important question is, what will your wear for a wedding dress, Alexia? You look horrible in white. - Author: Gail Carriger
Funny Random Quotes #788308
#28. I'd much rather a monkey throws a blanket instead of a brick. - Author: Nicole McKay
Funny Random Quotes #787050
#29. Expired condoms are like nuclear waste: there's nothing sensible you can do with it. - Author: Andrew Smith
Funny Random Quotes #775995
#30. My smile wavers as I revert to my natural state of being: nervous and weird. - Author: Stephanie Perkins
Funny Random Quotes #774592
#31. Remember. Make him cry uncle.
Cry uncle, my posterior. I'm going to make him cry like a girl who broke her mom's designer heels at the prom. - Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon
Funny Random Quotes #771599
#32. Each one you take is a commitment. If you break that commitment, the gods of alcohol will punish you with a hangover so bad you'll think Satan himself took a dump on you. -Milo - Author: Cora Carmack
Funny Random Quotes #768564
#33. It looks like Animal and Miss piggy had sex," I said. "And this was the spawn."
"My eyes!" Boomer cried. "My eyes! I can't stop seeing it now that you've said it! - Author: David Levithan
Funny Random Quotes #752516
#34. I had to admit it was adorable. You know, in a unicorns-farting-out-rainbows kind of way that made me want to hurl. - Author: Gemma Halliday
Funny Random Quotes #749610
#35. I pat her on the head. "Oh, naive little Kitten. Dear, foolish girl. This cookie is worth all this and more. Sit or you will not partake. - Author: Jenny Han
Funny Random Quotes #747526
#36. Does anyone else day dream about what it would be like if specific age groups just dropped dead all across the world? - Author: Christy Leigh Stewart
Funny Random Quotes #744638
#37. Ish #1 It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles. - Author: Regina Griffin
Funny Random Quotes #714189
#38. Martin was dafter than a syphilitic polecat - where do I get these metaphors from? - Author: Stieg Larsson
Funny Random Quotes #686058
#39. Lying in bed with Johnny Depp sussing out which males are what kind of pet from their clothes. - Author: Diane Messidoro
Funny Random Quotes #412907
#40. Tell Savitar I said hi. - Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon
Funny Random Quotes #685210
#41. Hasn't stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we'd be dead by now and would be having an entirely different conversation. I wonder if I'd still be mad at you, or if we would talk in words or pictures. Maybe in smells. That would be cool. -Janco - Author: Maria V. Snyder
Funny Random Quotes #677814
#42. Some days you were the bitch and some days you were shit that came out of the bitch's toy poodle. Today was one of those days I was the latter. - Author: Stacey Marie Brown
Funny Random Quotes #676025
#43. Be the kind of woman who, when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says Oh, no! She's up. - Author: Joanne Clancy
Funny Random Quotes #672282
#44. What's purple mean?"
Adrian put his hand on the door. "Gotta go, Sage. Dont want to keep Dorothy waiting - Author: Richelle Mead
Funny Random Quotes #671559
#45. Sunshine gives me a headache - Author: Rainbow Rowell
Funny Random Quotes #665082
#46. Miguel: Merle? What kind of hick name is that? I wouldn't name my dog Merle. - Author: The Walking Dead
Funny Random Quotes #664624
#47. I wasn't exactly sure what "nothing good" meant, but I could imagine in this world of humans, "nothing good" could mean a lot of bad things. - Author: Tamra Torero
Funny Random Quotes #658880
#48. I told you not to drink that much water on the drive," Sarah told her. "You never listen to me."
"Sorry I don't have the bladder of a freaking sloth."
"You mean camel," Sarah corrected.
"I meant sloth," the other girl said. "I read somewhere they only have to go once a week. - Author: Alexandra Bracken
Funny Random Quotes #654972
#49. I think I'm supposed to "take a sad song and make it better," but that's beyond my musical ability - Author: Sophia Bennett
Funny Random Quotes #629746
#50. She never called her son by any name but John; 'love' and 'dear', and such like terms, were reserved for Fanny. - Author: Elizabeth Gaskell
Funny Random Quotes #625045
#51. For loose teeth the tooth fairy recommends tying your tooth to a brick and throwing said brick down the stairs. - Author: Nicole McKay
Funny Random Quotes #119435
#52. Life before toilet paper was not worth living. - Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon
Funny Random Quotes #233501
#53. Cause hearts are amazing things. They get lots bigger to make room for new people to love alongside the old people you love. -Simi - Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon
Funny Random Quotes #221223
#54. I've always wanted to go out with a bang, that's why I carry two bricks around with me wherever I go, so when I leave a room I clap them together. - Author: Nicole McKay
Funny Random Quotes #214676
#55. Let's roll out, Batman."
"I'm Batman and you're Robin?"
"Don't make me laugh. I'm Spider-Man."
"Then we live in different universes. I'm DC and you're Marvel."
Duncan rolled his eyes. "Can't we all get along? And since when are there different universes? - Author: Mimi Strong
Funny Random Quotes #207015
#56. Ish #153 Artificial plants grow best in artificial light. - Author: Regina Griffin
Funny Random Quotes #206181
#57. You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world! - Author: James Dashner
Funny Random Quotes #205578
#58. Do you remember what I forgot? - Author: Erica Goros
Funny Random Quotes #201109
#59. Clouds are high flying Fog - Author: Gaurav Rao
Funny Random Quotes #160894
#60. Maybe it's some Bioterrorism test being run by the government. Don't drink the tap water or seafood until I do some testing." Bubba
"I don't normally drink my seafood Bubba, but" Nick - Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon
Funny Random Quotes #148211
#61. Is he crazy? No one has ever told me my doodles are good, not that I flash them around or anything. Gen likes them, but she also thinks vampire romances are literature and sings along to 'Islands in the Stream.' Her tastes are dubious. She's not a reliable source. - Author: Jules Barnard
Funny Random Quotes #140323
#62. Don't you wish we all lived in black light ... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it - Author: Josh Stern
Funny Random Quotes #137591
#63. Why can't you place a blessing like that on us," I asked.
"It only works on wild animals,"
"So it would only affect Percy," Annabeth reasoned. - Author: Rick Riordan
Funny Random Quotes #126804
#64. You know your all fucks! why am i so dichable? now how am i supposed to kill you with out upseting that poor nice women!? God damnit alice i liked you why did you have to be such a bitch - Author: Carrie Vaughn
Funny Random Quotes #235384
#65. Jay lurched in one direction, jerked back, lurched in another, tripped for no reason. He finally made it through a gauntlet of invisible obstacles and crouched behind a water fountain shaped like a hippopotamous throwing up. - Author: Adam Rex
Funny Random Quotes #118661
#66. Minimalism is a girl's best asset, blend tones, smudge hard outlines; if all else fails; Photoshop it. - Author: Judith Chambers
Funny Random Quotes #117499
#67. I'm happy for the kid and everything, but how the fuck does Lio get a friend before me? I live here.
'I told you I could do it ' Lio IMs me. I want to rip out that smiley's eyes. - Author: Hannah Moskowitz
Funny Random Quotes #115146
#68. Life is an absolute Dream... then I wake up. - Author: Jane
Funny Random Quotes #101719
#69. Instead I sounded like a little girl on her first day of kindergarten. My name is Bee, and I like coloring and horsies. - Author: Kate Avery Ellison
Funny Random Quotes #85204
#70. You don't like Blue, do you?"
"No," Mira said, caught off guard by the change of subject.
"I was worried he was doing his knight-in-tarnished-armor thing and it was winning you over. - Author: Sarah Cross
Funny Random Quotes #69225
#71. Leonard had let them go alone with the young boy who Ali was now convinced, was a couple falafel's short of a picnic - Author: L.R. Currell
Funny Random Quotes #53103
#72. Yes, the fans are going to get their money's worth. It's like ... and everything on there is funny. It's not like random crap they put in a movie. I think it's all very funny, so. - Author: Nicholas Stoller
Funny Random Quotes #51567
#73. You keep the title of 'president' even if you served only one term. The same goes for rapists. - Author: Christy Leigh Stewart
Funny Random Quotes #41103
#74. I've purged myself of worldly goods; half my stuff is either being sold or going to charity. I need to go shopping. - Author: Christy Leigh Stewart
Funny Random Quotes #31758
#75. And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees. - Author: Bo Burnham
Funny Random Quotes #12725
#76. He had bright elfin eyes and a knowledgeable ass. - Author: Chris Hannan
Funny Random Quotes #284296
#77. And Jack, who felt like he was on the cusp of being able to read minds and thought it would be all right if Luce wrote him down for that. ("I sense that you're okay with that, am I right?" He made a gun out of his fingers and clicked his tongue.) - Author: Lauren Kate
Funny Random Quotes #407949
#78. Memory is like a box of chocolates. They disappear quickly. - Author: Leah Broadby
Funny Random Quotes #404619
#79. Knocking the shrieking goblins aside like skittles - Author: J.K. Rowling
Funny Random Quotes #393249
#80. A brick is ... ... ... Well it's a bloody brick what more do you want from me? - Author: Nicole McKay
Funny Random Quotes #372700
#81. Because to me, there is no logic of any kind behind misogyny. Therefore, it's funny, because it's so completely random to me. It's senseless. - Author: Joss Whedon
Funny Random Quotes #365107
#82. Some people are born to fandom, others have fandom thrust upon them. - Author: Nenia Campbell
Funny Random Quotes #335531
#83. I wanted to shove her typewriter on the floor. I hated it and I hated her. I wanted to be a Cosby. - Author: Augusten Burroughs
Funny Random Quotes #324603
#84. A brick can be used to represent the zero probability of this book being any good. - Author: Amy Summers
Funny Random Quotes #315607
#85. Come Hell or High Water usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub - Author: Josh Stern
Funny Random Quotes #309552
#86. I just finished running, and I look and smell like nothing very pleasant. Why, oh, why did he have to bump into me now? - Author: Abigail Owen
Funny Random Quotes #305039
#87. Possibility of enjoying life makes death feel terrible. - Author: Santosh Kalwar
Funny Random Quotes #304747
#88. NI!
Oh no! Not ni! - Author: Graham Chapman
Funny Random Quotes #303025
#89. All of my best friends are dead people. Someday I've got to figure out how that happened. - Author: Claudia Gray
Funny Random Quotes #9175
#90. EAT SANDWICH, NOT OWN MOUTH. - Author: Lauren Conrad
Funny Random Quotes #280616
#91. If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator - Author: Josh Stern
Funny Random Quotes #277423
#92. Instead of putting flowers in books to flatten them you can use a brick. - Author: Nicole McKay
Funny Random Quotes #269243
#93. People need to make sure they have a good humor spark plug inside them that can be ignited at any moment when required. - Author: Wes Adamson
Funny Random Quotes #265088
#94. He looked earnestly at me, as if that was important to me. - Author: Raymond Chandler
Funny Random Quotes #260756
#95. You can sit on a brick, and milk a cow with a blanket. - Author: Nicole McKay
Funny Random Quotes #257262
#96. I get the feeling humanity would be thrilled to discover life on another planet. So why not rediscover it here and really cherish it. - Author: Tom Althouse
Funny Random Quotes #254101
#97. It is the end of the world. Surely you could be allowed a few carnal thoughts. - Author: Connie Willis
Funny Random Quotes #247398
#98. Sometimes we know people who are
too wonderful for words. I am not one of them.
Or you, for that matter, as you well know. - Author: Michael Hogan
Funny Random Quotes #246520
#99. When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service ... .that's no chocolate on the pillow - Author: Josh Stern
Funny Random Quotes #242803
#100. A company could use bricks to measure their growth rate. How many bricks have angry investors thrown at you lately? If the answer is none, then your growth rate is probably pretty good ... for the moment. - Author: Amy Summers
Funny Random Quotes #237942

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