Top 30 Funny Letterman Quotes
#1. Those social networks, there's something sad about them. Is it because they don't have enough knowledge about friends and people? I don't understand it. It's like a talkative mirror where people talk to themselves. And what I hate most in life is selfies.
Karl Lagerfeld
#2. Friendships between races, Ewing, can never surpass the affection between a loyal gun-dog & its master.
David Mitchell
#3. Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
David Letterman
#4. Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."
David Letterman
#5. Why were we born different? Why do we see the world how it actually is? Because we were meant to change the world, but not live in it.
Jennifer Megan Varnadore
#6. You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family.
Louie Anderson
#7. My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.
David Letterman
#8. Letterman is very intimidating because he's so funny, so you have to be really prepared. Also, he's a little squeamish about certain things, so you have to always be on guard to please him.
Norm MacDonald
#9. I think the neural pathways in our brains affect what happens in our bodies, and so can alter our health.
Amy Hardie
#10. We could have made peace with Syrian dictator Bashar Assad a long time ago. It didn't happen, because Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu doesn't want to give up the Golan (Heights).
Tom Segev
#11. I think David Letterman is a genius. Night after night he is funny and smart. He seems to really enjoy his jokes. They seem connected to who he really is. I like watching him, and there is no one better at turning an awkward moment into something very funny.
Casey Affleck
#12. The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.
David Letterman
#13. Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.
David Letterman
#14. They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat!
David Letterman
#15. Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
David Letterman
#16. Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'
David Letterman
#17. I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
David Letterman
#18. Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years.
David Letterman
#19. You know how old I am? I'm so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That's how old I am.
Rush Limbaugh
#20. I've been invited to appear on Letterman, but they wanted me to talk about a funny videotape of Congress. 'Bring us your outtakes!' That's not our job.
Brian Lamb
#21. I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way.
Joe Rogan
#22. Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.
David Letterman
#23. How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.
David Letterman
#24. Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.
David Letterman
#25. David Letterman used to say, 'I wasn't the class clown, but I wrote for him,' and that's exactly it. You want to be known to be funny without having it pointed out.
Michael Keaton
#26. The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.
David Letterman
#27. Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
David Letterman
#28. The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
David Letterman
#29. The realist sees reality as concrete. The optimist sees reality as clay.
Robert Breault
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