Top 89 Funny If Only Sayings

#1. I'm sorry. I can't serve him that item," the waitress said, only somewhat surprising her since she had a pretty good idea why.
"Why not?" she found herself asking anyway out of curiosity to see if she was right.
***
"Because he's a Bradford," the woman explained with a shrug.

R.L. Mathewson

Funny If Only Sayings #18105
#2. The mother I'm completely over but the daughter I love to death. The mother I'd like to love to death." "Heh." "Don't do me any favors; only laugh if it's funny." "It is!

Ned Vizzini

Funny If Only Sayings #22041
#3. My sisters call him Slinky Simon.'
Alec chuckled.
'It's only funny if he's not your cousin.'
'It's funny because it's true.

Julia Quinn

Funny If Only Sayings #40473
#4. You keep the title of 'president' even if you served only one term. The same goes for rapists.

Christy Leigh Stewart

Funny If Only Sayings #41103
#5. You're not going to tell me they built fifty-foot-high killer golems, are you?"
"Only a man would think of that.
It's our job," said Moist. "If you don't think of fifty-foot-high killer golems first, someone else will.

Terry Pratchett

Funny If Only Sayings #75581
#6. There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh.

Jeff Garlin

Funny If Only Sayings #114520
#7. Why are you covering your breasts?"
Turning her back to him, she stepped into her dress.
"Why are you so interested in my breasts?"
"I am only interested in them because you hide them," he informed her. "I would not find them interesting if you would stop wearing clothing.

Viola Rivard

Funny If Only Sayings #125144
#8. James scoffed. "We are not being held prisoner. You're so dramatic."
"Oh yeah, she just kidnapped us and told us the only way we're going to be let go is if we go to other alien planets and steal from them. You're right, James, I'm clearly overly overreacting," Kat snapped.

L. Taylor

Funny If Only Sayings #161398
#9. A poet or philosopher should have no fault to find with his age if it only permits him to do his work undisturbed in his own corner; nor with his fate if the corner granted him allows of his following his vocation without having to think about other people.

Arthur Schopenhauer

Funny If Only Sayings #169431
#10. Comedy is the only profession where love from a stranger is better than love from a family member. You need to perform for strangers to see if you're really funny. If they laugh and cheer, it's the greatest thing in the world.

Jay Leno

Funny If Only Sayings #207202
#11. 'Funny Games' was conceived as a provocation. My other films are different. If people feel my other films are, or respond to them as provocation, then that's quite different. 'Funny Games' is the only one of mine where my intention was to provoke the audience.

Michael Haneke

Funny If Only Sayings #216723
#12. It's funny," she said reflectively, "but I always used to think that if only I was slimmer everything in my life would be all right. I didn't realize until it happened that it would just open up a whole new set of problems." ~Maxine

W. Soliman

Funny If Only Sayings #216878
#13. I say that I'm not into you like that, Camryn, because..," he pauses, searching my face, looking at my lips for a moment as if deciding whether or not he should kiss them again, " ... because you're not the girl I could only sleep with once.

J.A. Redmerski

Funny If Only Sayings #224758
#14. This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories ... if you lick it.

Jack Whitehall

Funny If Only Sayings #227475
#15. Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

Jimmy Carr

Funny If Only Sayings #259383
#16. I feel like I'm going to die,' he says.
'Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?'
'Only if you do it quietly.'
'I met this girl last night. I need your advice.'
'Come back later.'
'No. You might be dead.

Doug MacLeod

Funny If Only Sayings #262450
#17. I guess the only thing to do now is meet his parents. I'm sure they're decent people. I mean they gotta be if they named their son Gaylord Focker.

Robert De Niro

Funny If Only Sayings #274127
#18. I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

Bob Hope

Funny If Only Sayings #307781
#19. I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.'

Joan Rivers

Funny If Only Sayings #348958
#20. Tom Jones is funny to me, man. I mean, he really tries to ape Ray Charles and Sammy Davis, you know. He's nice-looking; he looks good doing it. I mean, if I was him, I'd do the same thing. If I was only thinking about making money.

Miles Davis

Funny If Only Sayings #350460
#21. Don't plead with anyone if you were not at fault, you'll only look inferior, stupid and funny, bolster your ego by doing the undoing.

Michael Bassey Johnson

Funny If Only Sayings #368179
#22. Funny thing about being a U.S. senator, the only thing the law says you have to be is 30 years old. Not another single requirement. They just figure that a man that old got nobody to blame but himself if he gets caught in there.

Will Rogers

Funny If Only Sayings #390694
#23. Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.

Sarah Silverman

Funny If Only Sayings #404746
#24. Really, if that's the case, you need to stop letting your mother dress you funny. It's hard to take anyone serious as a killer when he looks like an investment banker. The only part of me that's nervous is my checkbook. (Kat)

Sherrilyn Kenyon

Funny If Only Sayings #414803
#25. If heaven was created only for the most stupid clown, then Mr Bean could have been the only righteous man on earth.

Michael Bassey Johnson

Funny If Only Sayings #468846
#26. Andrea writes for a newspaper. "This is for the Living section," she says. I know what that means, it used to be the Women's Pages. It's funny that they now call it Living, as if only women are alive and the other things, such as the Sports, are for the dead.

Margaret Atwood

Funny If Only Sayings #494635
#27. It's funny how a flame can only burn your hand if you move too slow, you can tease it all you want and it never gets you, if your quick enough.

Neal Shusterman

Funny If Only Sayings #498407
#28. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

Rita Rudner

Funny If Only Sayings #539324
#29. If there's ever a woman who's smart, funny, or witty, people are afraid of that, so they don't write that. They only write parts for women where they let everything be steamrolled over them, where they let people wipe their feet all over them.

Teri Garr

Funny If Only Sayings #553127
#30. What if I was the sexual equivalent of popcorn? Suitable for light snacking only?

Rachel Vincent

Funny If Only Sayings #555141
#31. It (LSD) opened my eyes. We only use one-tenth of our brain. Just think of what we could accomplish if we could only tap that hidden part! It would mean a whole new world if the politicians would take LSD. There wouldn't be any more war or poverty or famine.

Paul McCartney

Funny If Only Sayings #587839
#32. There are certain sorts of jokes which have only to do with the substitution of the unexpected word in a familiar context. If you translated something into French and then had it translated back into English by somebody who didn't know the original, you'd lose what was funny.

Tom Stoppard

Funny If Only Sayings #588312
#33. I don't really think differently of making a movie for grownups or making a movie for kids, if it's boring it's boring, so you want it to be entertaining and I think funny is funny whether it's for kids or grownups, the only real difference is language.

Jack Black

Funny If Only Sayings #591425
#34. You can only be funny if you have matters of great importance on your mind.

Kurt Vonnegut

Funny If Only Sayings #609418
#35. I just love carbs. And when I'm on vacation I definitely allow myself carbs, so it's always funny when people are like, 'Oh my gosh, you look great in your bikini.' I'm like, 'If you only knew what I had for breakfast!'

Ashley Tisdale

Funny If Only Sayings #688744
#36. Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.

Steven Rubenstein

Funny If Only Sayings #744813
#37. Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

Anthony Jeselnik

Funny If Only Sayings #762905
#38. So, Americans, then. Self-appointed vigilante defenders of the world, kind of like Superman, if Superman was retarded and only fought crime when he felt like it.

Yahtzee Croshaw

Funny If Only Sayings #776813
#39. It's just for some reason I've got just as many fans that only like me when I'm yelling or being funny or whatnot, and jumping up and down on a pogo stick while playing a fancy lead guitar. And they get mad when I sing a heartfelt emotional song and if there's an album full of them.

Butch Walker

Funny If Only Sayings #780484
#40. Why would they have gone to the trouble to hire the best comedy writers in the business to write funny material for us to play straight, if the children in our audience were the only audience.

Burt Ward

Funny If Only Sayings #783645
#41. If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

Adam Carolla

Funny If Only Sayings #833560
#42. So why are you so mad at me for kissing you?"
"Because you took too long. If you'd done that, say, three years ago, we wouldn't have only had one kiss before we both get horribly mutilated.

Rusty Fischer

Funny If Only Sayings #849068
#43. It's funny how close the past is, sometimes. Sometimes it seems as if you could almost reach out and touch it. Only who really wants to?

Stephen King

Funny If Only Sayings #888261
#44. Funny how different life could be, so many things that make you take one route instead of another. If only we could live them all.

Peter F. Hamilton

Funny If Only Sayings #904147
#45. It's funny: half my films were flops, half did well. It would be terrible if I'd had only success.

Claude Lelouch

Funny If Only Sayings #914757
#46. Secret 3963. It's only a sucking chest wound if you're not the shooter.

The Covert Comic

Funny If Only Sayings #959485
#47. The business world and adult society only really made sense to me if they were supposed to be funny, but I didn't see many other people laughing, so I started inventing my own worlds where life seemed more how it should be.

Christian Cook

Funny If Only Sayings #965716
#48. But Phoebe loved her mother best as she was now, wistful, out-of-step, her laugh tinged always with sadness, as if things were only funny in spite of themselves.

Jennifer Egan

Funny If Only Sayings #975232
#49. Dylan, while he is in the shower and he and Joss are only seperated by the curtain and his invisibility:
Dylan: "Maybe if you would come in here and scrub my back it would speed things up."
Joss: "I'm not invisible."
Dylan: "I know this.

Susan Bischoff

Funny If Only Sayings #995065
#50. I think since I'm not particularly well-known as myself, it's funny all the different perceptions people have of me. Like, if someone's only seen me in 'Death Proof,' they think I'm sort of a ditzy girl who says stupid things and wears revealing outfits all the time.

Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Funny If Only Sayings #1009364
#51. Forgiveness is a funny thing. We act like it has to be earned, as if there are a certain number of hoops someone can jump through to make us forget that they hurt us. But forgiveness can't be earned! It can only be given freely, as a gift!

Louisa Edwards

Funny If Only Sayings #1030409
#52. If only there was mouthwash for the brain. Brain wash. They could make a fortune on that stuff.

Theresa Paolo

Funny If Only Sayings #1035490
#53. Is he about to kiss me? Did he eat garlic too or was I the only one? 'Cause if Ric didn't eat garlic then my breath's gonna stink and he'll think ... Oh for fuck sake, shut up internal dialogue!

Zathyn Priest

Funny If Only Sayings #1045169
#54. If we piled them up, they would reach God.' 'But God does not exist, Comrade Farmer.' 'Nor do the potatoes, Comrade Stalin.' " "Old one." "Jokes only get old if they're good. Otherwise, who keeps telling them?" "People like you who aren't funny?

David Benioff

Funny If Only Sayings #1053061
#55. She wished she could talk as he did. His speech was so quick and easy. It sounded as if he liked her and was not the least afraid she would not like him, though he was only a common moor boy, in patched clothes and with a funny face and a rough, rusty-red head.

Frances Hodgson Burnett

Funny If Only Sayings #1101233
#56. The only person I compete with is Satan. If that happens to be you, then could you please move out of the way? You're standing in Christ's spot.

Shannon L. Alder

Funny If Only Sayings #1105584
#57. Comedy is serious - deadly serious. Never, never try to be funny! The actors must be serious. Only the situation must be absurd. Funny is in the writing, not in the performing. If the situation isn't absurd, no amount of joke will help.

Mel Brooks

Funny If Only Sayings #1120048
#58. If a movie makes it really big, they do the obvious thing, right? They make an amusement park ride out of it ... The connection is obvious. You get off, "Man, that was just like the movie! Only the movie had a storyline and characters, and that was a little more like a roller coaster."

Brian Regan

Funny If Only Sayings #1130844
#59. Home. The word circled comfortably in my mouth like bubble gum, swished around sweetly soft and satisfying. Home. Try saying it aloud to yourself. Home. Isn't it like taking a bite of something lovely? If only we could eat words.

Sol Luckman

Funny If Only Sayings #1134575
#60. They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

George Carlin

Funny If Only Sayings #1142540
#61. About mistakes it's funny. You got to make your own; and not only that, if you try to keep people from making theirs they get mad.

Edna Ferber

Funny If Only Sayings #1201542
#62. I always enjoy conversation more if there is some substance to it - which is a just incredibly hilarious thing for me to say because for many, many years I was the guy whose only contribution to any conversation was, 'There was a funny 'Simpson's' joke about that.'

Joss Whedon

Funny If Only Sayings #1202894
#63. A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.

Bill Cosby

Funny If Only Sayings #1203699
#64. Someone once said "The only thing that will be left after a nuclear holocaust is Cher and cockroaches." I think that's funny, because, you know, I am a survivor. If I am anything, that's what I am.

Cher

Funny If Only Sayings #1229775
#65. Because I feel as if I let it down. As if it needed something from me, I was its only hope, and now that hope is gone.'
'What penis doesn't try to make you feel that way?

R.J. Silver

Funny If Only Sayings #1236972
#66. But no one believes in that way what he reads in a novel ... Oh yes they do. If only to see themselves as wise and superior and humanistic, they need to think of us as sweet and funny, and convince themselves that they sympathize with the way we are and even love us.

Orhan Pamuk

Funny If Only Sayings #1302862
#67. Ricewind had always relied on running away. But somerimes, perhaps, you had to stand and fight, if only because there was nowhere left to run.

Terry Pratchett

Funny If Only Sayings #1315427
#68. Maggie wasn't without her concerns, though. "What if he's crazy?"
"Yeah, that's a definite possibility," he agreed.
"What if he's not your type?"
"Then we'll only hook up in dark places.

Con Riley

Funny If Only Sayings #1320195
#69. A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, How to Build a Boat.

Stephen Wright

Funny If Only Sayings #1347378
#70. When I say I love you and you don't believe me, you're being a jerk. Basically what you're saying is I only love conditionally. You think you're being self-deprecating and funny, but you're really saying I'm not a good enough person to love you if you have a few flaws. It gets old.

Donald Miller

Funny If Only Sayings #1375470
#71. The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."

Mitch Hedberg

Funny If Only Sayings #1388195
#72. I'm pretty private about my neuroses. You're not neurotic if you talk to yourself - everyone does - you're only neurotic if you hear an answer.

Rachel Weisz

Funny If Only Sayings #1394323
#73. If a woman cannot make her mistakes charming, she is only a female.

Oscar Wilde

Funny If Only Sayings #1396236
#74. If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American
our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

Jon Stewart

Funny If Only Sayings #1461535
#75. Funny how people value eyes, when really, their colors are super limited. I doubt anyone would enjoy a new box of crayons if they came only in eye-color shades.

Courtney C. Stevens

Funny If Only Sayings #1500817
#76. You know," he says, voice still low."I have had nothing but trouble since you walked into my life." "I'd walk straight back out of it if only you'd let me.

L. H. Cosway

Funny If Only Sayings #1510176
#77. I'd say I needed to find myself, if that didn't sound like I was heading into the Himalayas, taking only a backpack stuffed with angst and clean underwear.

Kelley Armstrong

Funny If Only Sayings #1542661
#78. Let me be clear: I don't want to make love to a mannequin - I want to make love like a mannequin. Oh, if only I were that animated in bed.

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Funny If Only Sayings #1555720
#79. I'm not a naturally funny man. I find that I can only be funny, if I become someone else.

Rowan Atkinson

Funny If Only Sayings #1576610
#80. She said yes. If only she didn't talk so much!

Ljupka Cvetanova

Funny If Only Sayings #1596887
#81. Who says you only get one? If you're lucky, you will meet The One, The Two, The Three ... and so on.
Nesta

Cathy Hopkins

Funny If Only Sayings #1614769
#82. But if you read Jane Austen, you know that she had a wicked sense of humor. Not only was she funny, but her early writing was very dark and had a gothic tone to it.

Seth Grahame-Smith

Funny If Only Sayings #1640362
#83. Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it.

Alice Walker

Funny If Only Sayings #1640437
#84. It's a funny thing that people are always ready to admit it if they've no talent for drawing or music, whereas everyone imagines that they themselves are capable of true love, which is a talent like any other, only far more rare.

Nancy Mitford

Funny If Only Sayings #1700912
#85. If you think it's funny to make fun of the "used car salesman," you better only buy new and never sell your car. Just sayin.

Richie Norton

Funny If Only Sayings #1718106
#86. It's funny that these people think I'm so powerful. I've figured out over the years, you can only hurt me if I love you; if I don't know you, I really don't care. There are people who want to kill me and I'm always like, 'Well, get in line, darling.

Conchita Wurst

Funny If Only Sayings #1726198
#87. Relaxed Empiricism
I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.

Bill Bailey

Funny If Only Sayings #1764142
#88. I [dad] spent hours on the phone. Do you know with whom?'
'One of those psychic hotlines?' Dad gritted his teeth. 'If only ...

Rachel Hawkins

Funny If Only Sayings #1814790
#89. I doubt she'll welcome you if I tell her you undressed me."
"Maybe she'll only partially welcome me."
Smart-ass.

Kresley Cole

Funny If Only Sayings #1875928

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