Top 42 Funny Ellen Degeneres Quotes
#1. I think I let go of the need for approval, ... It certainly feels good when you get it, but I used to be more desperate for it. Once I felt better inside about myself ... I could do everything based on how I want to do things.
Ellen DeGeneres
#2. I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
Ellen DeGeneres
#3. Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:
Yes.
Yes.
No.
One time in high school.
Three times in my twenties.
Rocks no salt.
Yes.
Four.
Never. And how dare you!
I will take no further questions.
Ellen DeGeneres
#4. What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your dikk is hanging out.
Ellen DeGeneres
#5. I had no intention of becoming a comedian. I just wanted to make people happy. I tried everything-I shucked oysters, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners. But there was always a voice saying, You should be doing something different. And it was usually my boss and I was being fired.
Ellen DeGeneres
#6. My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding? ... Noooo ... as funny as that is, I'm not
Ellen DeGeneres
#8. There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where's the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones?
Ellen DeGeneres
#9. That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's ... she's too happy.
Ellen DeGeneres
#10. You can always tell when the relationship is over. Little things start getting on your nerves, 'Would you please stop that! That breathing in and out, it's so repetitious.'
Ellen DeGeneres
#12. Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good actor.
Ellen DeGeneres
#13. I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.
Ellen DeGeneres
#14. Have you ever thought about toothpaste? Ellen has! And she makes a point about all of the types of toothpaste that Colgate offers!
Ellen DeGeneres
#15. Writing a memoir isn't particularly interesting to me. I'm not like Ellen [DeGeneres], where I can write, 'Water bottles
they're crazy!' and it's funny.
Lauren Graham
#16. I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity.
Ellen DeGeneres
#17. Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.
Ellen DeGeneres
#18. The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.
Ellen DeGeneres
#19. I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's stress. You're not going to find a pygmy on Paxil, I'll tell you that right now.
Ellen DeGeneres
#21. My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.
Ellen DeGeneres
#22. When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didn't try to stop me. Just a friendly warning, "You may regret this," would have been fine.
Ellen DeGeneres
#23. I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?
Ellen DeGeneres
#24. I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'
Ellen DeGeneres
#25. There's lotion for your face, lotion for your hands, lotion for your feet, lotion for your body. Why? What would happen if you put hand lotion on your feet? Would your feet get confused and start clapping?
Ellen DeGeneres
#26. I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being ... me.
Ellen DeGeneres
#28. When there's time for whistling, there's a lot of time on a show.
Ellen DeGeneres
#30. Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?"
Ellen DeGeneres
#31. Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.
Ellen DeGeneres
#32. I'm glad I'm funny. I'm glad I make people happy, because that's very important. But I'm proud to be known as a kind person.
Ellen DeGeneres
#33. Normally, I try not to pay attention to my haters, but this time I'd like to talk about it, because my haters are my motivators.
Ellen DeGeneres
#34. Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.
Ellen DeGeneres
#35. Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.
Ellen DeGeneres
#36. It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.
Ellen DeGeneres
#37. Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.
Ellen DeGeneres
#38. All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution.
Ellen DeGeneres
#39. All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"
Ellen DeGeneres
#40. Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair.
Ellen DeGeneres
#41. People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres
#42. You have to have funny faces and words, you can't just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that's why it's hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful.
Ellen DeGeneres
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