Funny Can't Please Everyone Quotes

#1. What did the mat say to the door? You must be really aDOORable to open up to everyone who knock at you. And I welcome everyone and what do I get? People stepping all over me

Ana Claudia Antunes

#2. She's smart, she's funny and she's not afraid to take risks. Not to mention that she's beautiful, sexy and charming. You know it, I know it, and soon everyone else will know it. The only person who doesn't know it is her because of archaic fuckheads like yourself telling her otherwise.

Karina Halle

#3. Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Joan Rivers

#4. I think audiences have always wanted to see women in the movies, but every time a movie like 'Bridesmaids' comes out, everyone says, 'Oh how funny, people do want to see women in the movies.'

Isla Fisher

#5. Not everyone who stares likes us; we may look weird enough to get everyone's attention.

M.F. Moonzajer

#6. Funny how new facts pop up and make you doubt that there's any goodness in life. Everyone pretends to be normal and be your friend, but underneath, everyone is living some other life you don't know about ...

James Franco

#7. When everyone thinks alike, no one thinks very much.

Walter Lippmann

#8. My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

Tommy Cooper

#9. If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

George Carlin

#10. One would think that since Hamilton and Eliza only just got married, our mothers would be satisfied for a while, but instead they seem to have come to the conclusion that everyone needs to enter into the state of wedded bliss. Quite frankly, they've turned scary.

Jen Turano

#11. Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

Greg Giraldo

#12. I like getting up in front of an audience. It's fun when you go to a baseball game and the crowd is cheering you. I can't deny it. And it's very funny, too. Sometimes you're shy; you go somewhere and everyone's looking at you, so you feel a little self-conscious.

Jon Lovitz

#13. The funny thing is, I sometimes think my mother loves my father more than he loves her. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah, I guess so. Maybe. Is love a contest?"
"What does that mean?"
"Maybe everyone loves differently. Maybe that's all that matters.

Benjamin Alire Saenz

#14. God is an early bird; satan is a night owl. Everyone knows that.

Jon Acuff

#15. In a funny way, nothing makes you feel more like a native of your own country than to live where nearly everyone is not.

Bill Bryson

#16. When I was a kid I had this funny blonde hair and everyone called me 'Chick' because I looked like Tweety Bird.

Nicky Hilton

#17. Everyone who has ever met me for at least five minutes knows I'm a really funny person. I love to laugh and to make people laugh, so writing comedy comes naturally to me.

Simone Elkeles

#18. That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

Joe Rogan

#19. (One does not simply walk into Mordor--except that was exactly what everyone in the story did anyway.)

Jim Butcher

#20. Dark, cool, musty, smoky, where light fell funny and everyone looked like someone you knew or wanted to know. Or, more likely, wanted to forget.

David Baldacci

#21. I thought it would be funny to go to my Korean dry cleaner and ask her about my head shot, as if it's the most important thing in the world, and as if it's something that everyone should weigh on because it's important to me.

Billy Eichner

#22. Trying to be funny is one of the hardest things on the planet. I think that's tough for everyone. If you're just naturally funny it's a hell of a lot easier.

Doc Brown

#23. When I go to the bathrooms, I cannot take off my pants as before; because there is a light continuously blinking like a camera, everyone says it is just an environmental friendly lighting. Well, I cannot really trust it and I am not taking the risk of circulating my naked photos around.

M.F. Moonzajer

#24. Funny how older brothers could still be annoying even after everyone was all grown-up.

Elizabeth Camden

#25. She was a bitch,' Carl suddenly heard somebody say in the background, and that apparently refreshed everyone's memory.

yes, thought Carl with satisfaction. It's the good stable arseholes like us who are remembered best.

Jussi Adler-Olsen

#26. Everyone knows what a hypocrite is. That's the guy who gripes about the sex, violence and nudity on his VCR.

Zig Ziglar

#27. I'm talking about doing something good for mankind. Imagine how awesome everyone would feel if they knew all that holy stuff was real." -Gregori
"Stuff? Four years of giving sermons, and that what I get back? Holy stuff?

Kerrelyn Sparks

#28. Now you be careful in the real world" said Armpit " Not everyone is as nice as us.

Louis Sachar

#29. There's nothing I dislike more than being in a photo shoot where they say, 'Be yourself.' That's not why I became an actress. That's what I find so funny: that you become an actor, and all of a sudden, everyone wants to know about you. But I didn't become an actor so I could show you me.

Margot Robbie

#30. I swallowed my own smile. I shouldn't be thinking this was fun at all; it was serious business. But I couldn't help it, if you couldn't look at the world when it fell apart around you and see the funny shit, you would end up hating everyone and everything.

Shannon Mayer