Top 100 Funny C Quotes

#1. You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah, but"-like somehow you think it's not going to be as good? Like, "I want to do the right thing-but it's probably kind of bland without the dolphin."

Louis C.K.

Funny C Quotes #3798
#2. I didn't just come in on a load of turnips!

Phillip C. McGraw

Funny C Quotes #17428
#3. And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

Jim Norton

Funny C Quotes #29199
#4. The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

Arthur C. Clarke

Funny C Quotes #31870
#5. That's not what he meant," Rachel says again, pink flushing her cheeks.
"Actually, I meant-" I start to say, but Willow cuts me off.
"What? It's true. He looks at you like he'd like to dip you in sugar and eat you up.

C.J. Redwine

Funny C Quotes #41291
#6. N-O-W-A-C-K."
"No C."
"Oh. Okay. N-O-W-A-C.

Marshall Thornton

Funny C Quotes #49562
#7. Actually, I wouldn't mind a Malibu and coke."
"You're having a fucking pint."
"Is my choice of drink too gay for you?"
"Malibu and coke is a pussy drink. Last I heard you were strictly anti-pussy.

L.A. Gilbert

Funny C Quotes #75234
#8. Double Sword Tavern." Tristan said, reading out loud. "Sounds charming and inviting.

B.C. Morin

Funny C Quotes #88871
#9. You Too? I thought I was the only one.

C.S. Lewis

Funny C Quotes #110475
#10. I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining ... "Sir, could you please stop?"

Louis C.K.

Funny C Quotes #136016
#11. I reach up and pat them both on the head. Poor things. If you had a boy that looked like Logan, you'd be kissing him every chance you had, too.

C.J. Redwine

Funny C Quotes #190638
#12. Besides, what do I know about being a wife? There are much more important qualities to have than a docile disposition.

C.J. Redwine

Funny C Quotes #207184
#13. To me, comedies are usually the least funny movies. Movies that are actually a comedy are usually not all that funny. To me Goodfellas and Raging Bull are two of the funniest movies I ever saw.

Louis C.K.

Funny C Quotes #222035
#14. No, no, no! I am not giving birth backstage at a rock concert. I need to be in a hospital, pumped full of every drug that they can legally give me!
I was so shocked, my only repsonse was,
'Well, he was conceived backstage at a concert, so it's sort of fitting for him to be born at one.

S.C. Stephens

Funny C Quotes #260768
#15. That's funny! Where I come from, good triumphs over evil, you old hag!

J.C. Spencer

Funny C Quotes #280325
#16. I look at things logically. The humor I do is to go from A to B to C to D, and F is the funny.

Ron Shock

Funny C Quotes #299306
#17. ...she thought how funny that the first thing you didn't need was the words you said.

C.E. Morgan

Funny C Quotes #314943
#18. I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

Louis C.K.

Funny C Quotes #394711
#19. I am determined to have the headache Thursday, if I have to hit myself with a rock to do it.

Patricia C. Wrede

Funny C Quotes #405744
#20. Funny, when i was a little boy I wanted to be good. But I could never seem to manage it somehow. And if you're not good, the good people will throw you to the wolves. So you might as well just be bad

C.J. Sansom

Funny C Quotes #459046
#21. Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy.

Louis C.K.

Funny C Quotes #459962
#22. I never thought it was fair that anatomy decided what my brain was fit for.

C.J. Redwine

Funny C Quotes #463065
#23. I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

Bruce Baum

Funny C Quotes #466144
#24. It's just funny, isn't it? How the main characters never know about the adventures they're about to go on.

Brittainy C. Cherry

Funny C Quotes #473168
#25. I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!

C. JoyBell C.

Funny C Quotes #486890
#26. No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

W.C. Fields

Funny C Quotes #494000
#27. You know what's funny is that I have this ongoing relationship with the city of Washington D.C. I went to George Washington University, and my nickname was K-Dub - based on G-Dub - and I'm now on the board of trustees at George Washington University.

Kerry Washington

Funny C Quotes #495546
#28. You make me sound like an arrogant ass," he said.
"Are you?"
"No! I'm just me.

P.C. Cast

Funny C Quotes #506895
#29. Zoey~ 'Listen to me, whinning about money and a scarf. Ah, hell! I'm starting to sound like Aphrodite.'
Stark~ 'If you turn into Aprodite I'm going to stab myself.'
Zoey~ 'If I turn into Aprodite, stab me first.'
Stark~ 'Deal.'
Zoey~ 'Deal.

P.C. Cast

Funny C Quotes #533283
#30. He patted my shoulder. "What's up with you? All of a sudden, you're bucking the system."
"i got drunk and had an epiphany."
"Shit, this is serious!" He gasped. "Last time that happened to me, i woke up gay.

J.C. Isabella

Funny C Quotes #538860
#31. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

Rita Rudner

Funny C Quotes #539324
#32. It's a mystery why certain people find certain things funny.

John C. Reilly

Funny C Quotes #561564
#33. Dear Literary World, Sorry for breaking down your door ... I'll pay for that!!! Since I'm here and planning to stay a while, let me tell you some stories!!

C.K. Webb

Funny C Quotes #579086
#34. A large proportion of mankind, like pigeons and partridges, on reaching maturity, having passed through a period of playfulness or promiscuity, establish what they hope and expect will be a permanent and fertile mating relationship. This we call marriage.

C.D. Darlington

Funny C Quotes #596032
#35. I love how you still think if you tell me to do something, I'll just check my brain at the door and do it.

C.J. Redwine

Funny C Quotes #598124
#36. Anyone else find it funny that Bernie Madoff's last name is a homophone of 'made-off'?

David C. Holley

Funny C Quotes #604538
#37. Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those Chinese people, they can fly!" "You know about the Puerto Ricans? They're made of candy!"

Louis C.K.

Funny C Quotes #626074
#38. Boy trouble, huh?"
"Boy catastrophe is more like it. I'm not sure I can do this."
"Do what?" Concern sounded in Holiday's voice.
"Do Lucas," Kylie said.
Holiday made a funny face and raised one eyebrow.

C.C. Hunter

Funny C Quotes #626505
#39. Oh. C'mon, pretty girl. I like it when ya scream." The leader breathed into my ear.
I spat as good as I could on his hand. He jumped back glaring. I said, "Funny. You like it when I scream? Yet you cover my mouth!" I laughed then winced.

J.L. Clayton

Funny C Quotes #629897
#40. It is dull, Son of Adam, to drink without eating," said the Queen presently. "What would you like best to eat?"
"Turkish Delight, please, your Majesty," said Edmund.

C.S. Lewis

Funny C Quotes #632614
#41. I don't have sex drive ... I have sex 'just sit in the car and hope someone gets in'.

Louis C.K.

Funny C Quotes #649999
#42. It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.

W.C. Fields

Funny C Quotes #664115
#43. Zane sighed. Jovan and Mother were just the same. "Maybe later" meant no.

C.J. Milbrandt

Funny C Quotes #682748
#44. Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different?

C.S. Lewis

Funny C Quotes #697217
#45. Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our slaves away. That was really hard for us. So it's pretty even.

Louis C.K.

Funny C Quotes #715116
#46. I'm probably not very good at rom-com, being funny on demand; I'll leave that to the comedians.

Richard C. Armitage

Funny C Quotes #717093
#47. His eyes widened. Oh, hell, you think I'm going to let him bite me? No way. It's too risky and way too guy.

C.C. Hunter

Funny C Quotes #721140
#48. Do you mean that Zane is some kind of bird magnet?

C.J. Milbrandt

Funny C Quotes #747679
#49. I don't know how to be like a Bill Murray or a Will Ferrell, these guys who know how to make a line funny just by, I don't know, some extra-sense perception. I only know character and emotion and real acting; that's all I know how to do.

John C. Reilly

Funny C Quotes #769480
#50. Pain has a funny way of focusing the mind. Only what hurts matters.

John C. Wright

Funny C Quotes #771711
#51. When boys get mad its not so bad
When girls get mad world WW3 is about to start!

P.C. Cast

Funny C Quotes #797279
#52. After a long moment, Laurent said, I'm going to need some help standing up.

C.S. Pacat

Funny C Quotes #802166
#53. His knives are nice. Mine is better.

C.J. Redwine

Funny C Quotes #807860
#54. I think it is funny that we were freer about sexuality in the 4th century B.C. It is a little disconcerting.

Angelina Jolie

Funny C Quotes #816324
#55. Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth.

Louis C.K.

Funny C Quotes #823891
#56. Everybody! This is my cousin right here, and he just dethroned God's gift to Women - Griffin

S.C. Stephens

Funny C Quotes #823895
#57. A red eight-sided sign always means:
A) Stop.
B) Go.
C) Danger! Red octogons ahead!

Cuthbert Soup

Funny C Quotes #825278
#58. Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.
Good things come to those who wait.

Jess C. Scott

Funny C Quotes #846018
#59. I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

W.C. Fields

Funny C Quotes #853413
#60. Just because a guy rings your bell, doesn't mean you have to toot his horn.

C.C. Hunter

Funny C Quotes #857638
#61. Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

W.C. Fields

Funny C Quotes #859431
#62. I swear and it comes off a little angry, no matter how funny I'm trying to do it. If I use certain words with a certain intensity, it's like 'Whoa whoa whoa, buddy buddy!'

John C. Reilly

Funny C Quotes #860414
#63. You know that's why mermaids swim around topless all the time, right? It's because their boobs are too big and all bras are C shells.

H.M. Ward

Funny C Quotes #868304
#64. Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What's it spell? HEAD FUCK.
- Jane

J.R. Ward

Funny C Quotes #881577
#65. My uncles were all funny. My dad wasn't funny, but my uncles were all funny. Now I go back and I like him better than them, they were manipulative funny.

Louis C.K.

Funny C Quotes #915637
#66. It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

W.C. Fields

Funny C Quotes #918111
#67. Asshole FBI agents that want to shoot Girl Scouts.

C.J. Roberts

Funny C Quotes #942549
#68. Don't be a luddy-duddy! Don't be a mooncalf! Don't be a jabbernowl! You're not those, are you?

W.C. Fields

Funny C Quotes #944267
#69. We must have a creature made of Darkness to break through the cage of Darkenss that imprisons your grandmother," Thanatos said.
"That creature is me." Aurox stepped forward.
"Oh, for shit's sake! We are absolutely fucked!" Aphrodite said.
Sadly I had to agree with her.

P.C. Cast

Funny C Quotes #945252
#70. Don't confuse efforts with results....

C.P. Sennett

Funny C Quotes #960686
#71. Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years.

David Letterman

Funny C Quotes #974798
#72. You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited ... and for me it was between the two buildings going down ... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.

Louis C.K.

Funny C Quotes #988762
#73. This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

W.C. Fields

Funny C Quotes #1018754
#74. Rose unearthed three crystal goblets that almost matched, and even found a tablecloth that hadn't been attacked by moths since its last public appearance.

Elizabeth C. Bunce

Funny C Quotes #1019044
#75. Dude! Get a fucking grip, it's just a song!
When had I turned into a 5-yr-old girl? At the very least, I needed to get my libido under control before the song finished, because I didn't think that my raging hard-on would be a good icebreaker. Well, figuratively speaking anyway, I thought smugly.

M.C. Lavocat

Funny C Quotes #1032534
#76. Word of advice - never ask a terrorist the question 'What would you do for a Klondike bar?'.

David C. Holley

Funny C Quotes #1037602
#77. Well I ain't Dr. Phil, but I'm smart," she said.
"And your shoes are cuter than his," I said, trying to sound at least semi-normal.
"Yeah they remind me of Dorothy's ruby slippers, only mine are wedges 'cause I'm more fashion conscious than she was.

P.C. Cast

Funny C Quotes #1040848
#78. Last night I was seriously considering whether I was a bisexual or not but I don't think so though I'm not sure if I'd like to be and argh I don't think there's anything wrong with that, if you like a person, you like the person, not their genitals.

Jess C. Scott

Funny C Quotes #1041380
#79. Swing low, sweet chariot, comin'for t'carry me home ... ' was the tune I hummed as I made the beds, and waited for the news to come that our grandfather was on his way to heaven if his gold counted, and to hell if the Devil couldn't be bribed.

V.C. Andrews

Funny C Quotes #1056876
#80. Isn't it funny the way some combinations of words can give you
almost apart from their meaning
a thrill like music?

C.S. Lewis

Funny C Quotes #1057641
#81. It is funny how mortals always picture us as putting things into their minds: in reality our best work is done by keeping things out.

C.S. Lewis

Funny C Quotes #1081711
#82. Before I could say anything, Jamie began writing giant letters over the words with his index finger.
F-U-C-K Y-O-U.
My sentiments exactly.

Michelle Hodkin

Funny C Quotes #1084657
#83. I pull my cigarette from my mouth and take a look around, meeting the eyes of my friends carefully,so they'll know how serious I am right now. First person to laugh gets punched.I'm in love.

C.M. Stunich

Funny C Quotes #1085674
#84. Spandex bodysuits, huh?" His eyes twinkled. "If that's what turns you on - I'm all for giving it a try.

J.C. Reed

Funny C Quotes #1085924
#85. If You're Gonna Ride My Ass, At Least Pull My Hair!

S.C. Stephens

Funny C Quotes #1098351
#86. I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'

Louis C.K.

Funny C Quotes #1109142
#87. Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.

Louis C.K.

Funny C Quotes #1138784
#88. She already had a headache-she didn't want to add 'get tortured' to today's to-do list.

C.C. Hunter

Funny C Quotes #1147903
#89. Mind telling me what's so funny?" he asked as he spooned beans onto their plates. "Nothing." Lorelai avoided looking at Kol. "Then if nothing is funny, you two can stop grinning at each other like village idiots and start eating your dinner. I imagine tomorrow will be another difficult day." And

C.J. Redwine

Funny C Quotes #1150677
#90. The human body is the best work of art.

Jess C. Scott

Funny C Quotes #1171022
#91. There's nothing that beats proving you're funny by making a funny thing, and right now there are huge outlets for that, with You Tube and all the other stuff online.

Louis C.K.

Funny C Quotes #1180332
#92. It is a very funny thing that the sleepier you are, the longer you take about getting to bed.

C.S. Lewis

Funny C Quotes #1199220
#93. Naomi's my girlfriend," I say aloud, just to test the words, see how they feel fucking across my lips. Ronnie flips a page in an old copy of Rollin' Strong magazine and ignores me.
"Yeah, we heard. Sixteen times since we came in here," Josh bitches.

C.M. Stunich

Funny C Quotes #1199875
#94. People are funny. When they are young, they will spend their health to get wealth. Later, they will gladly pay all they have trying to get their health back.

John C. Maxwell

Funny C Quotes #1227160
#95. Oliver has stated many times his dislike of hearing advice from his younger sister, so it is his own fault if he has not got sense enough to see which way the wind is blowing.

Patricia C. Wrede

Funny C Quotes #1250356
#96. Okay ... My name is Ellie Mason and I have a feeling you don't like me."
Kylie stopped and swerved around ... "Okay, let's get something out in the open. I know you had sex with Derek."
"Damn!" Perry said, and grinned. "This is gonna be better than I thought.

C.C. Hunter

Funny C Quotes #1253000
#97. You're FAT - and don't try to sugarcoat it, because you'll just eat that, too.

Phillip C. McGraw

Funny C Quotes #1310450
#98. Paddy Eagan, stay away from falling signs for a bit and you'll be as right as rain come the weekend.

Elizabeth C. Bunce

Funny C Quotes #1316091
#99. I don't want to hear what anyone has to say about my life. Living it is hard enough.

C.D. Reiss

Funny C Quotes #1324517
#100. Hey, Eriele?" he said. "You know what's funny?... You're so busy yelling at Ian," Dan said, "you didn't notice our altitude. Time to change the gas mixture.

C. Alexander London

Funny C Quotes #1325993

Famous Authors

Popular Topics

Scroll to Top