Top 100 Eddie Izzard Gun Quotes
#1. Eddie Izzard is wonderful, I think, but I've only seen that one HBO special he did. He's one of the few people who talk about stuff other than girlfriends and relationships and flatulence and genitalia. There are very few of them who actually talk about real stuff.
Tom Lehrer
#2. You've got to believe you can be a standup before you can be a standup. You have to believe you can act before you can act. You have to believe you can be an astronaut before you can be an astronaut. You've got to believe.
Eddie Izzard
#3. For me to put a look together, if it's going to be a boy look or a girl look or whatever, is quite a tricky thing to do. I'm not doing drag because drag is seen in a certain way and my comedy has got zero to do with what I'm wearing. I could wear an elephant suit and say the same thing.
Eddie Izzard
#4. There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God?
Eddie Izzard
#5. My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death.
Eddie Izzard
#6. Everyone gets cards at the beginning of life. I am transgender, I decided to be honest and tell everyone about it, and that's it.
Eddie Izzard
#7. Learning that you have stamina is an excellent thing to know. If a project fails, I know I can pick myself up.
Eddie Izzard
#8. They're not women's clothes. They're my clothes. I bought them.
Eddie Izzard
#9. In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.
Eddie Izzard
#10. I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not, no. No one was alive then."
Eddie Izzard
#11. Eddie Izzard is doing his show in French ... Will he be able to fake ad-lib as well in other languages? He's been speaking French for a while now, but he's talking about doing his act in German. Haven't the German people suffered enough?
Andy Kindler
#12. Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. OK, we can swing with that. But performance 'debilitating' drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the 100 metres, fair play for you. That's pretty good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in the distance.
Eddie Izzard
#13. I mean, sometimes ... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing.
Eddie Izzard
#14. If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete!
Eddie Izzard
#15. I don't believe in God. I believe gods and devils are within us. It's our own battle. Our life's battle is to appeal to the gods within us, and to fight the devils within us.
Eddie Izzard
#16. I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.
Eddie Izzard
#18. We must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers.
Eddie Izzard
#19. Danger could be my middle name ... But it's John.
Eddie Izzard
#20. You can't land on the moon and say, Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!
Eddie Izzard
#21. I've done a bit of Latin in my time ... but I can control it.
Eddie Izzard
#22. What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in?
Eddie Izzard
#23. I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever.
Eddie Izzard
#24. I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
Eddie Izzard
#25. Drama is a complete meal, vitamins, proteins, carbohydrates. It's a slow burn thing. It's got an arc. Comedy is more like coke.
Eddie Izzard
#26. So then there was the Greek, Socrates, he was great ... He invented questioning. Before Socrates, no questioning. Everyone sort of went, 'Yeah, I suppose so.
Eddie Izzard
#27. What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!
Eddie Izzard
#30. If you can be your own force of nature and have a positive heart, then you can actually do something good in the world.
Eddie Izzard
#32. My wife and I take what we call our Friday comedy day off. We watch standup comics on TV. The raunchier the better. We love Eddie Izzard.
Gene Hackman
#33. How to survive boarding school. Do not express emotion, do not feel emotion, do not have emotion. If someone hits you, hit them back, if someone argues with you, argue back, never give in an inch, never look vulnerable and you will survive.
Eddie Izzard
#34. I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that's embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It's the end of your life.
Eddie Izzard
#35. You have the American dream! The dream is to be born in a gutter and grow up, and then get all the money in the world and stick it in your ears and go THBBBBBT.
Eddie Izzard
#36. I felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character.
Eddie Izzard
#37. San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here ... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.
Eddie Izzard
#39. I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can.
Eddie Izzard
#41. MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.
Eddie Izzard
#42. It's not a bloody piano, it's a clarenARt ... you weird talking person.
Eddie Izzard
#43. I love the fact that trying is respected. The American Dream: if you try, if you build it, they will come. I love that. It's honorable.
Eddie Izzard
#44. And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.
Eddie Izzard
#45. Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both ... different. In spelling.
Eddie Izzard
#46. Comedy is like a very cokey, druggy sugar. You get hits of comedy, and it's very, "More, give me more of that stuff," because serotonin is being released in the brain. So it's basically, everyone becomes serotonin junkies, and we are serotonin dealers. And that's what being a comedian is about.
Eddie Izzard
#47. Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I FANCY YOU!
Eddie Izzard
#48. In Britain we have a very powerful tabloid culture with celebrities on the front page crying with their make-up smeared and tears, and it's kind of what you'd expect from someone who likes to dress up that way.
Eddie Izzard
#49. Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey.
Eddie Izzard
#50. There's a thing about trying too hard, which I think is in all forms, which is if you really try to do things really well, you can get to a less good place than if you just let go and let it fly. Especially in creativity.
Eddie Izzard
#51. I don't believe in God. So I'm a non-believer in the non-visible. I'm a believer in us; in humans.
Eddie Izzard
#52. In the UK a lot of people don't like to try. There's a different cultural thing. Here [in USA] if you try and fail, you get up again and start again and keep going. People respect you for it. Even if you keep failing, they respect the tenacity.
Eddie Izzard
#53. Eddie Izzard is absolutely brilliant. I would love to write something for him.
Bruce Vilanch
#54. Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!
Eddie Izzard
#55. We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!
Eddie Izzard
#56. You know, I don't believe that religions are religions. No, I believe they are philosophies with some good ideas and some fuckin' weird ones.
Eddie Izzard
#57. So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.
Eddie Izzard
#58. When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.
Eddie Izzard
#59. If you're trying to get a bit of attention, you can smash up your hotel room or spend all your time going to openings or doing the gossip column thing. I just decided to do gigs in French, German, Spanish, and in America.
Eddie Izzard
#60. If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death.
Eddie Izzard
#61. But puberty was ... well, before puberty, at school, I didn't tell kids I was a transvestite 'cause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know?
Eddie Izzard
#62. Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
Eddie Izzard
#63. But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana.
Eddie Izzard
#64. I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing.
Eddie Izzard
#65. Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, Is that Rod Stewart in first class?
Eddie Izzard
#66. I want to live till I die. No more, no less.
Eddie Izzard
#67. I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear.
Eddie Izzard
#68. Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette.
Eddie Izzard
#69. If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.
Eddie Izzard
#70. Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing.
Eddie Izzard
#71. There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?
Eddie Izzard
#72. This is not a game of Who The Fuck Are You.
Eddie Izzard
#73. I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible.
Eddie Izzard
#74. If you go down as a comedian's comedian, that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay.
Eddie Izzard
#75. "I've done your dog. It's got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?" "Fido looks a bit weird."
Eddie Izzard
#76. No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea. Why don't you put it on my breasts?" "Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?"
Eddie Izzard
#77. Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen's. They're all frumpy aren't they? Because it's a bad idea when cousin's marry.
Eddie Izzard
#78. Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.
Eddie Izzard
#79. Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read.
Eddie Izzard
#80. That's no good, I can't steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That's not gonna swing, is it?
Eddie Izzard
#81. The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and silly hats.
Eddie Izzard
#82. Poetry is very similar to music, only less notes and more words.
Eddie Izzard
#83. Comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.
Eddie Izzard
#85. I remember when I was being told about Watergate, and I thought, "Oh, America is not what I think America is." But America is what I think it is. It's just that it's two bits of it, and I don't go with the Republican bit of it. I go more with the Democratic bit.
Eddie Izzard
#86. I'm into humanity. I don't believe in God, but I believe in human beings.
Eddie Izzard
#87. I knew I couldn't do what Eddie Izzard does, so I just tried to write some stories that were based, or partly based, on my own experiences.
Deirdre O'Kane
#88. I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.
Eddie Izzard
#89. The National Rifle Association says, 'Guns don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps.
Eddie Izzard
#90. When you're coming out, you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'.
Eddie Izzard
#91. Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"
Eddie Izzard
#93. This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight ... one, from ... here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today is a flask of coffee.
Eddie Izzard
#94. I am someone who's very positive about business, as a social Democrat. I do like the safety net of the welfare system and people setting things and creating business, and that's what I try to do with my own work: export it around the world from the U.K.
Eddie Izzard
#95. I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women: hot and strong ... with a spoon in them.
Eddie Izzard
#96. Cos people think I'm on drugs and I'm not. I'm really quite ... Just a bit of coffee. When I take drugs I start going, Oh, would you like insurance?
Eddie Izzard
#97. I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
Eddie Izzard
#98. All humans can do more than they think they can do. So I think we can all actually be more superhuman than we think we can.
Eddie Izzard
#100. If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.
Eddie Izzard
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
