Top 100 Demetri Martin Quotes
#1. I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentance starts out with: " I heard fron this guy who told somebody ..."
-Demetri Martin
Joed Jackson
#2. I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
Demetri Martin
#3. I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
Demetri Martin
#4. Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
Demetri Martin
#5. Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids to be academics, professors. Academics want their kids to be artists. And artists don't care if their kids are laborers or not. They can be anything.
Demetri Martin
#6. But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
Demetri Martin
#7. How To Read This Book
If you're reading this sentence then you've pretty much got it. Good job. Just keep going the way you are.
Demetri Martin
#8. Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
Demetri Martin
#9. If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.
Demetri Martin
#10. I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.
Demetri Martin
#11. Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
Demetri Martin
#12. It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
Demetri Martin
#13. One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
Demetri Martin
#14. I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
Demetri Martin
#15. My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'
Demetri Martin
#16. The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.
Demetri Martin
#17. When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
Demetri Martin
#18. To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
Demetri Martin
#19. Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?
Demetri Martin
#20. Like a lot of people, I've always enjoyed commenting on strangers' outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people's hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.
Demetri Martin
#21. I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
Demetri Martin
#22. I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
Demetri Martin
#23. There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
Demetri Martin
#24. Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
Demetri Martin
#26. When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.
Demetri Martin
#27. I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
Demetri Martin
#28. Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.
Demetri Martin
#29. Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
Demetri Martin
#30. A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.
Demetri Martin
#31. I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process.
Demetri Martin
#32. Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.
Demetri Martin
#33. Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
Demetri Martin
#34. You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.
Demetri Martin
#35. I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
Demetri Martin
#36. The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
Demetri Martin
#37. If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
Demetri Martin
#38. I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
Demetri Martin
#39. When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.
Demetri Martin
#40. But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.
Demetri Martin
#41. At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.
Demetri Martin
#42. I wanna put stickers on turtles ... I don't know why.
Demetri Martin
#43. Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
Demetri Martin
#45. Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.
Demetri Martin
#46. Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
Demetri Martin
#47. There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.
Demetri Martin
#49. Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.
Demetri Martin
#50. There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
Demetri Martin
#51. It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.
Demetri Martin
#52. Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.
Demetri Martin
#53. I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
Demetri Martin
#54. Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
Demetri Martin
#55. I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
Demetri Martin
#56. I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.
Demetri Martin
#57. I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
Demetri Martin
#58. If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
Demetri Martin
#59. Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
Demetri Martin
#60. I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
Demetri Martin
#61. I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
Demetri Martin
#62. I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.
Demetri Martin
#63. I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
Demetri Martin
#64. There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.
Demetri Martin
#65. Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
Demetri Martin
#66. I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".
Demetri Martin
#67. Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen.
Demetri Martin
#68. If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.
Demetri Martin
#69. History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.
Demetri Martin
#70. In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
Demetri Martin
#71. There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.
Demetri Martin
#72. I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
Demetri Martin
#73. Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
Demetri Martin
#74. Every cloud has a silver lining. Right. Okay. And, tell me again how a silver lining helps me?
Demetri Martin
#77. Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.
Demetri Martin
#78. You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings.
Demetri Martin
#79. I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'
Demetri Martin
#81. Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
Demetri Martin
#82. If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.
Demetri Martin
#83. I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."
Demetri Martin
#84. Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.
Demetri Martin
#85. I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?
Demetri Martin
#87. They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
Demetri Martin
#88. It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
Demetri Martin
#89. It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
Demetri Martin
#90. How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
Demetri Martin
#91. When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
Demetri Martin
#92. I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!
Demetri Martin
#93. I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.
Demetri Martin
#94. As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.
Demetri Martin
#95. My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
Demetri Martin
#96. Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
Demetri Martin
#97. The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.
Demetri Martin
#99. I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
Demetri Martin
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