Top 100 Dangerfield Quotes
#1. PowerPoint is the Rodney Dangerfield of software. It gets no respect.
Ken Goldberg
#2. And the only studies were - Rodney Dangerfield was my mentor and he was my Yale drama school for comedy.
Robert Klein
#3. I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.
Jim Gaffigan
#4. Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics.
Chris Rock
#5. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield
#7. A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
Rodney Dangerfield
#8. I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
Rodney Dangerfield
#9. I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
Rodney Dangerfield
#10. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield
#12. I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
Rodney Dangerfield
#13. I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark ... '
Rodney Dangerfield
#14. I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
Rodney Dangerfield
#15. My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
Rodney Dangerfield
#16. I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
Rodney Dangerfield
#17. I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
Rodney Dangerfield
#18. When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
Rodney Dangerfield
#21. I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
Rodney Dangerfield
#22. I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
Rodney Dangerfield
#23. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield
#24. In the moment, you wanted to marry that big, boring, black-haired, super bossy son of a bitch. So do it. Marry the narc and no one will think less of you.
Eve Dangerfield
#25. My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Rodney Dangerfield
#26. She was wet for him. Ready. This is a mistake. Julia raked her nails down his back.
"Fuck, you feel good."
This is the best idea I've ever had.
Eve Dangerfield
#28. He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
Rodney Dangerfield
#29. My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
Rodney Dangerfield
#30. My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
Rodney Dangerfield
#31. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
Rodney Dangerfield
#33. I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
Rodney Dangerfield
#34. What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.
Rodney Dangerfield
#36. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
Rodney Dangerfield
#38. If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half!
Rodney Dangerfield
#40. When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
Rodney Dangerfield
#41. It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
Rodney Dangerfield
#43. My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
Rodney Dangerfield
#44. In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
Rodney Dangerfield
#46. My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Rodney Dangerfield
#47. With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
Rodney Dangerfield
#49. I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
Rodney Dangerfield
#50. I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
Rodney Dangerfield
#52. People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
Rodney Dangerfield
#53. I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you
rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good
at fractions.'
Rodney Dangerfield
#54. With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
Rodney Dangerfield
#55. With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
Rodney Dangerfield
#56. When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back
Rodney Dangerfield
#57. I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
Rodney Dangerfield
#58. I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
Rodney Dangerfield
#61. Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.
Rodney Dangerfield
#64. My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
Rodney Dangerfield
#65. In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
Rodney Dangerfield
#66. When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
Rodney Dangerfield
#67. You are gonna get it now sweetheart," he grunted, seizing her nipples and massaging them roughly.
"Aw, what are you gonna do Max? Blow a load and get all sad about it afterwards?
Eve Dangerfield
#68. I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"
Rodney Dangerfield
#69. I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect ... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
Rodney Dangerfield
#70. I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!
Rodney Dangerfield
#72. I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
Rodney Dangerfield
#73. Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield
#76. A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
Rodney Dangerfield
#77. I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
Rodney Dangerfield
#78. I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Rodney Dangerfield
#79. When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me ... and no one showed up.
Rodney Dangerfield
#80. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield
#81. It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.
Rodney Dangerfield
#83. I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield
#84. I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
Rodney Dangerfield
#85. My wife was afraid of the dark ... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield
#86. If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
Rodney Dangerfield
#88. I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.
Rodney Dangerfield
#89. I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
Rodney Dangerfield
#92. I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
Rodney Dangerfield
#93. I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
Rodney Dangerfield
#94. At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
Rodney Dangerfield
#95. I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
Rodney Dangerfield
#96. My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Rodney Dangerfield
#97. To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
Rodney Dangerfield
#98. People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .
Rodney Dangerfield
#99. It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.
Rodney Dangerfield
#100. To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
Rodney Dangerfield
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