Top 79 Brian Regan Quotes
#1. The bigger the show, the weirder it is.
Brian Regan
#2. Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.
Brian Regan
#3. I like the honesty of standup comedy. People don't fake laugh. If they're truly laughing at you, you know they like you.
Brian Regan
#4. Brian, relax, man. You've gotta relax when you make the crank calls.
Brian Regan
#5. I don't always see humor in things. Especially when I smash my pinky toe into a coffee table leg in the middle of the night. But sometimes I'll see things, or experience things, that make me go, "Huh, maybe that's a bit."
Brian Regan
#6. So when you do board, the first class people, they're sitting there. A lot of them are working as your boarding. They have computers out and calculators. They're looking up at you like, Hey, we're making money right now! Right now we're making money.
Brian Regan
#7. You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!
Brian Regan
#8. I went to the juice isle, I learned something. Cranberries are taking over everything. What do you got, apples? Put some cranberrise in there, make it 50/50. Cran-apple. Grapes? Cran-grape. Mangos? Cran-mango. Pork chops? Cran-chop!
Brian Regan
#9. I could go for a sandwich, but I'm not gonna open two jars.
Brian Regan
#10. The funnest jokes for me to tell are the ones that are the newest. So I'm just constantly motivated to keep my eyes and ears open and have new stuff.
Brian Regan
#11. If Einstein was so smart how come people only call you 'Einstein' when you do something really stupid ?
Brian Regan
#12. Why are people getting on elevators shocked to find people getting off elevators?
Brian Regan
#13. I always hate having to use the gym equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: Clank! Clank! I'm the two plate guy! Clank! Clank! Anyone wanna spot me? Clank! Clank!
Brian Regan
#14. I go in for the eye test, and I don't know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You don't want to get no 'D' on that thing and end up with these big thick Coke bottle glasses.
Brian Regan
#15. I try to be careful not to put the cart before the horse. I try not to create comedy for other comedians to like. I want everybody to like it. I want audiences to like it, but I also want comedians to like it. I'm selfish. I want everybody to laugh!
Brian Regan
#16. If a movie makes it really big, they do the obvious thing, right? They make an amusement park ride out of it ... The connection is obvious. You get off, "Man, that was just like the movie! Only the movie had a storyline and characters, and that was a little more like a roller coaster."
Brian Regan
#17. So, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH!!!!
Brian Regan
#18. I don't take jokes from other people. It's really not cool to steal jokes from anybody. It's not cool to steal anything from anybody. Jokes are no different.
Brian Regan
#19. It's good to be here. I'm just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It's not working out too well.
Brian Regan
#20. I am happy doing standup so I don't ever want to stop doing it. But I wouldn't mind venturing off and doing other things that are creative.
Brian Regan
#21. Even though I have fond feelings for comedy clubs, I enjoy the focus you get in a theater. Comedy clubs are a different animal. People are being served nachos and there's a blender going off in the background.
Brian Regan
#22. As long as I can make that audience one thing, one unit, then I'm okay with it. But, sometimes, the bigger the audience, the weirder it gets.
Brian Regan
#25. Hey, lay off the dairy. And uh, no more happiness.
Brian Regan
#26. Politicians have a lot to deal with these days. It's a different world. You know who I feel bad for? Arab Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting. Could be their life long dream,
and every time they ask for a pamphlet, all hell breaks loose.
Brian Regan
#27. I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That's a nice relaxing drive. "Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge."
Brian Regan
#28. Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.
Brian Regan
#29. Would you like a nice cold fish head? They're frozen solid: frozen head of fish, the eyeballs in there and the skeleton's coming out. It comes with a turnip and a spork." "I was wishing you had one of them left; wishing upon a star.
Brian Regan
#30. I took a speed reading course and my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute, but my comprehension plummeted.
Brian Regan
#31. I have to lay off dairy though. That's what my doctor threw in. As I was leaving his office, "Oh, and uh, leave off dairy." What kind of blanket sweep is that? "And no more happiness! Away with you!
Brian Regan
#32. I wasn't expecting to really draw in respected comedians but it's going to happen along the way and I'm truly honored by that.
Brian Regan
#33. Like, I'm trying to make a statement that clean comedy is somehow better or loftier than dirty comedy, and I don't feel that way at all. I just think it's different. It's different. There's rock music, there's jazz music, there's reggae music: All of those forms are different.
Brian Regan
#34. You know when you say something but you want to change in the middle? Like one time I was a bout to say take care but changed in the middle to good luck so it sounded like TAKE LUCK.. If you have any luck take care of it. Take luck you now. SHUT UP!
Brian Regan
#35. I'm trying to do things I have never done. Like I recently went to 3 different ballets. And I loved trying to learn how to like those a little bit.
Brian Regan
#36. I hate getting off the elevator on the wrong floor? Anyone ever do that ... and then you have to turn around and face those people. I feel like I owe everyone in there an explanation.
Brian Regan
#37. It means a lot to me to have my kids like what I do. And that's why I limit them. But I don't want to put that pressure on them to be a fan of mine.
Brian Regan
#38. So when you do get on, the first class people are already sitting there; they're all sprawled out on their big thrones. Bring me the head of a pig! And a goblet of something cool and refreshing! Anyone have a fiddle? Amuse me.
Brian Regan
#39. Don't let dialog about your company happen without your perspective.
Brian Regan
#40. It's hard to program a computer to make jokes. The brain needs to do something here; the brain needs to come up with something bizarre to make something funny.
Brian Regan
#41. I do a few jokes about the economy but from an everyday person perspective. People like to laugh, and they especially like to laugh during difficult circumstances.
Brian Regan
#42. A lot of the kind of comedy that I do comes out of real human moments. For them to work, they have to be truthful kinds of things that people in the audience can go, "Yes, I've experienced that myself!"
Brian Regan
#43. Mmmm! Lunch and no clean up!! Can life get better? I submit that it CANNOT!!
Brian Regan
#44. I'm honored that other comedians like what I do. That means the world to me. But at the same time when I'm on stage I'm not just trying to make the comedians laugh - I'm also trying to make the audience laugh. I want to make everybody laugh.
Brian Regan
#45. I just tend to think about everyday things for my onstage act. Actually you know what I like to talk about just the absolute most - the more mundane the subject matter, the more interesting it is to me.
Brian Regan
#46. MOOSEN!!!!!!! There many MOOSEN in the WOODSEN! MANY MUCH MOOSEN! The Meisin wanted and the MOOSEN and ...
Brian Regan
#47. Be adaptable, flexible and never stop learning. The rate of change will never stop and neither should you.
Brian Regan
#48. Can you imagine being bilingual? Or even knowing anybody that was? I'm not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldn't say that. I don't give myself enough credit. I know enough English to, you know, get by. I can order in restaurants and stuff.
Brian Regan
#49. Some people look at creamed corn and ask, 'Why?' I look at creamed corn and ask, 'Why not?'
Brian Regan
#50. So I called back, "Ya, I have ten boxes and ... no I'm another guy. Ya and they all weigh exactly 22 pounds, and they all have a girth of ... three." "Three what?" "Three ... girth units.
Brian Regan
#51. Do people who believe in reincarnation ever say, Darn, I'm still writing the year 1612 on my checks!
Brian Regan
#53. That's why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn't going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours.
First round. "Cat, K-A-T, I'm outta here." Then as he passed you, "Ha! I know there's 2 T's.
Brian Regan
#54. If you were to second guess your decision to book some time to visit an Indian community, that would be a reservation reservation reservation.
Brian Regan
#55. I don't sit down with a goal of writing. I read books or magazines. I watch TV. I go to the doctor. I get on airplanes. I live a normal life and sometimes I'll notice something or read things or experience things.
Brian Regan
#56. Just make sure you're staying true to yourself, and do what you think is good in that craft or field [of yours] and then let everything else fall where it falls.
Brian Regan
#57. I" before "E" except after "C" and when sounding like "A" as in neighbor and weigh, and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May, and YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!
Brian Regan
#58. Sometimes you'll play, like, a large venue - maybe an outdoor venue or something - where it's so big that you can see all of the disinterested people. You see the audience, but then behind the audience you see people eating ice cream, going for a walk.
Brian Regan
#59. You know what's fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 'Just Because' cards. They can't even ask you why you did it.
Brian Regan
#60. I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.
Brian Regan
#61. If you tell a kid not to run to a water slide, he/she will walk for 2 steps, then start running again.
Brian Regan
#62. How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue on the TV news? They gotta make a little lame segue. "Hey, that's a big lotto jackpot! Speaking of lotto, there was a lot o' crime in the city today."
Brian Regan
#63. You can poke fun at some pretty difficult circumstances, and it's just a way to pop the bubble. I don't do that thing onstage usually, but offstage sometimes I might.
Brian Regan
#64. Don't like when sports interviewers force answers: Are you dedicating this game to your sick grandmother? What's the guy supposed to say?
Brian Regan
#65. They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it's an insult? 'You don't know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.' I don't think we're honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.
Brian Regan
#66. I don't know. I'd be a lot better off if I would've studied more when I was growing up, you know?
Brian Regan
#67. If reading makes you smart then how come when you read a book they have to put the title of the book on the top of every single page? Does anyone get halfway through a book, What the hell am I reading?
Brian Regan
#68. Every comedian works differently. Some comedians might do just observational stuff and they don't do anything personal, and other people.. everything they do is personal and they don't do any observational stuff at all. There's no right or wrong, it's just that everybody picks their own approach.
Brian Regan
#70. Many comedians consider themselves to be cutting edge. But why do we have to use the knife for the analogy. Let's use the spoon. I like to consider myself the big bowl-like area of the spoon that holds all the stuff you like.
Brian Regan
#71. I think comedy is a good way to deal with anything. I hear about people in the hospital who are ill, and they use humor to help them through it. I think it's a great remedy for many things.
Brian Regan
#72. A formula for comedy is comedy equals tragedy plus time. A difficult or uncomfortable situation takes place, and then you laugh about it later down the road.
Brian Regan
#73. I would have been a lot better off if I'd studied more when I was growing up, y'know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew.
Brian Regan
#74. I never learn. Like a waitress will bring my meal. "Hey, enjoy your meal."
"You, too. But you don't have one, do ya? I'm a dufus. If you do eat enjoy it when you eat it if you have a break or something, later. If you get an opportunity." That's all I'm trying to say.
Brian Regan
#75. Go my favorite sports team go! Score a goal. Unit. Basket. Go squadron! Defeat the opponents soundly in this ... skirmish.
Brian Regan
#76. You got to figure out how to eat your snack while your elbows are touching. You got to learn how to twist your little plastic utensil.
Brian Regan
#77. Do not stand directly in front of a cannon ... how true that is.
Brian Regan
#78. Relevance is kind of a weird thing. If one does topical material, it makes sense to want to be relevant. But if someone talks about donut sprinkles, it's not quite as important. Unless the U.S. Supreme Court makes a decision outlawing donut sprinkles.
Brian Regan
#79. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents. That surprised me, I was like Mom did you read this?
Brian Regan
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