Top 100 Billy Connolly Quotes
#1. When I hit the scene, there was Billy Connolly and Max Boyce. It was all mother-in-law and Irish jokes, and we broke the mould. Now there are thousands of comedians out there, and I don't think I can be above it all.
Jasper Carrott
#2. The three people I've always wanted to meet are Stephen Fry, Billy Connolly and Steven Gerrard.
Andrew Buchan
#3. Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?
Billy Connolly
#4. The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
Billy Connolly
#5. I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning ... That can keep me awake for days..
Billy Connolly
#6. Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
Billy Connolly
#7. I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That's what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
Billy Connolly
#8. I'm a huge film star ... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f
ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f
ing Muppet movie.
Billy Connolly
#9. I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
Billy Connolly
#10. I used to be a folk singer, but I was ... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog. And being a folk singer doesn't make you attractive to women.
Billy Connolly
#11. Nothing means anything here. When they pull down an outstanding building, no one objects. Oh, maybe there's a wee protest from some collectors or something who take a picture of it before it vanishes.
Billy Connolly
#13. [To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here
Billy Connolly
#14. I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.
Billy Connolly
#15. Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
Billy Connolly
#16. There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
Billy Connolly
#17. The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you're a zombie. And you're talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
Billy Connolly
#18. Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
Billy Connolly
#19. Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
Billy Connolly
#20. What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
Billy Connolly
#21. I?m much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America ... People shout: "Hey ? I know you! You're That Guy.".
Billy Connolly
#22. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
Billy Connolly
#23. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
#24. Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
Billy Connolly
#25. I just believe in the movie. I don't care what the book was like. I don't care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I've got.
Billy Connolly
#26. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
Billy Connolly
#27. American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head
supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
Billy Connolly
#28. When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'.
Billy Connolly
#29. Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, Did you fall? He said, No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.
Billy Connolly
#30. The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
Billy Connolly
#32. On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.
Billy Connolly
#34. Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again so is a bicycle repair kit.
Billy Connolly
#35. What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger ... a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser!
Billy Connolly
#36. I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Billy Connolly
#37. Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!
Billy Connolly
#38. Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"
Billy Connolly
#39. When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
Billy Connolly
#40. I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
Billy Connolly
#41. I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
Billy Connolly
#42. All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.
Billy Connolly
#43. Never trust people who've only got one fucking book.
Billy Connolly
#44. I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
Billy Connolly
#45. Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.
Billy Connolly
#46. I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.
Billy Connolly
#47. I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
Billy Connolly
#48. A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.
Billy Connolly
#49. Now the country is in a terrible state and you've blamed it on a number of things - unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It's actually because the national anthem is boring.
Billy Connolly
#50. I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
Billy Connolly
#52. Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
Billy Connolly
#53. I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
Billy Connolly
#54. I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events; they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'.
Billy Connolly
#55. Oh aye ... my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'
Billy Connolly
#56. Outgrew the media ... The negativity felt like a disease.
Billy Connolly
#57. I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
Billy Connolly
#58. I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
Billy Connolly
#60. There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be ... I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge - but not a sausage.
Billy Connolly
#61. My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
Billy Connolly
#62. When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
Billy Connolly
#63. I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.
Billy Connolly
#64. Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
Billy Connolly
#65. The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one."
"Don't vote. It just encourages them ...
Billy Connolly
#66. Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on.
Billy Connolly
#67. I've been a poser for f
ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
Billy Connolly
#68. It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
Billy Connolly
#70. I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
Billy Connolly
#71. I'm actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.
Billy Connolly
#74. My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
Billy Connolly
#75. Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.
Billy Connolly
#76. Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.
Billy Connolly
#77. I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
Billy Connolly
#79. Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!
Billy Connolly
#80. As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.
Billy Connolly
#81. I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
Billy Connolly
#82. I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
Billy Connolly
#83. Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!
Billy Connolly
#84. I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.
Billy Connolly
#85. I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
Billy Connolly
#86. If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
Billy Connolly
#87. It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
Billy Connolly
#88. I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra ... I'm never likely to go there.
Billy Connolly
#89. For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
Billy Connolly
#90. There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!
Billy Connolly
#91. The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
Billy Connolly
#92. I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
Billy Connolly
#93. If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
Billy Connolly
#94. I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
Billy Connolly
#95. Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
Billy Connolly
#96. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
Billy Connolly
#98. If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
Billy Connolly
#99. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
Billy Connolly
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