Top 44 Best Jon Stewart Quotes
#1. I really think [the Bush Administration]'s foreign policy agenda is to spread irony through the world.
Jon Stewart
#2. I've always run by the hierarchy of 'If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something.
Jon Stewart
#3. I'm a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs.
Jon Stewart
#4. You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.
Jon Stewart
#5. When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa.
Jon Stewart
#6. If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.
Jon Stewart
#7. Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot.
Jon Stewart
#8. Our show is obviously at a disadvantage with any of the other news shows we're competing against. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility, we are ... well, oddly enough we're about even.
Jon Stewart
#9. Usually when Obama says, 'Let me be clear,' he's about to get into some very unclear sh*t.
Jon Stewart
#10. Everyone just needs to get over themselves.
Jon Stewart
#11. Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything.
Jon Stewart
#12. You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
Jon Stewart
#13. I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand.
Tom Lehrer
#14. Campaigns and elections are the process in which democracy separates the willing from the able, and goes with the willing.
Jon Stewart
#15. In South Carolina, Senator John Edwards won handily, fulfilling his promise to win every state he was born in.
Jon Stewart
#16. [President Bush] recently challenged Iraqi soldiers still fighting U.S. troops like so: ... 'My answer is bring 'em on.' For those of you who may be criticizing Bush for acting like a movie cowboy, let me remind you. He's actually acting more like a movie cheerleader.
Jon Stewart
#18. As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal - in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.
Jon Stewart
#19. If comedy is tragedy plus time, I need more fucking time. But I would really settle for less fucking tragedy." ~ Jon Stewart
Chris Smith
#20. It didn't seem fair to me that Jon Stewart's rally didn't get the same kind of attention that Glenn Beck's did. Why was Beck's seen as checking the thermometer of the country, and Jon Stewart just dismissed as a satirist?
David Sedaris
#21. I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it's too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.
Jon Stewart
#22. Does anyone know ... does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because ... uh ... you've all been in charge pretty much since ... uh ... what was that guys name ... Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success.
Jon Stewart
#23. Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
Jon Stewart
#24. Al-Qaeda's resurgence brings out the worst in the Bush Administration's math and logic.
Jon Stewart
#25. It's nice to know that [God] can destroy us in a myriad of ways.
Jon Stewart
#26. After going to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2 a.m. phone call ever parent dreads: 'Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.'
Jon Stewart
#27. The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something.
Jon Stewart
#28. Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.
Jon Stewart
#29. Here's what I realized about the yam - it's the same colour as a Nerf ball. You may be wondering: 'Is he saying he ate a Nerf ball?' ...
Jon Stewart
#30. We look at, the absurdity of the system provides us the most material. And that is best served by sort of the theater of it all, you know, which, by the way, thank you both, because it's been helpful.
Jon Stewart
#31. Yes! We finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the public by companies like Enron, Global Crossing, and Tyco we finally got the ring leader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle.
Jon Stewart
#32. Oh my god ... Kerry is boring even when Bush is reading him.
Jon Stewart
#33. A guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking.
Jon Stewart
#34. Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces.
Jon Stewart
#35. Wow, the entire network of anchors has been hired to be the press secretary.
Jon Stewart
#36. Jon Stewart kills me. I love him. And Bill Maher. He does an hour on HBO. But entirely political. It is awfully rough, but he does make me laugh.
Dick Van Dyke
#37. Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.
Denis Leary
#38. I'm not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance
Jon Stewart
#39. I have to tell you I enjoy Jon Stewart. That's the truth. I actually think he's very funny. I've paid to see him do his stand-up routine.
Megyn Kelly
#40. The government that governs best, governs best!
Jon Stewart
#41. Yes, it seems that as the President (George W. Bush) comes to the end of his two terms, he's finally realized the best way to get things done for you, is for you to do it.
Jon Stewart
#42. The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote ... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.
Jon Stewart
#43. The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.
Jon Stewart
#44. The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, 'Way to try!'
Jon Stewart
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top