Best Jimmy Carr Quotes

#1. British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

Jimmy Carr

#2. All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

Jimmy Carr

#3. When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

Jimmy Carr

#4. In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

Jimmy Carr

#5. The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

Jimmy Carr

#6. If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.

Jimmy Carr

#7. I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.

Jimmy Carr

#8. Throwing acid is wrong ... in some people's eyes.

Jimmy Carr

#9. Not since Jimmy Carr have I seen a cold computer programme on stage generate so much laughter.

Robin Ince

#10. How many airports are there in the world?

Jimmy Carr

#11. Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!

Jimmy Carr

#12. Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

Jimmy Carr

#13. I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.

Jimmy Carr

#14. I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

Jimmy Carr

#15. I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

Jimmy Carr

#16. My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

Jimmy Carr

#17. Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

Jimmy Carr

#18. My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

Jimmy Carr

#19. Too much comedy is filthy these days. There's nothing they won't say. I like Jimmy Carr, but I don't like the language he uses. I don't understand why he feels it necessary; I find it extremely offensive.

Bobby Davro

#20. My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian ...

Jimmy Carr

#21. I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

Jimmy Carr

#22. I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

Jimmy Carr

#23. When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia.

Jimmy Carr

#24. I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow ... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

Jimmy Carr

#25. I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.

Jimmy Carr

#26. I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

Jimmy Carr

#27. More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.

Jimmy Carr

#28. I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

Jimmy Carr

#29. Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

Jimmy Carr

#30. Jesus loves you ... He's not 'in love' with you.

Jimmy Carr

#31. Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

Jimmy Carr

#32. My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

Jimmy Carr

#33. Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.

Jimmy Carr

#34. It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

Jimmy Carr