Top 32 Best Jeselnik Quotes
#1. In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
Anthony Jeselnik
#2. I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
Anthony Jeselnik
#3. I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.
Anthony Jeselnik
#4. I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
Anthony Jeselnik
#5. I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
Anthony Jeselnik
#6. I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.
Anthony Jeselnik
#7. Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
Anthony Jeselnik
#8. Whenever I'm about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don't have to tell her about my herpes.
Anthony Jeselnik
#9. I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
Anthony Jeselnik
#10. My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.
Anthony Jeselnik
#11. I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.
Anthony Jeselnik
#12. My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.
Anthony Jeselnik
#13. It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.
Anthony Jeselnik
#14. Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.
Anthony Jeselnik
#15. My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
Anthony Jeselnik
#16. Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.
Anthony Jeselnik
#18. It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
Anthony Jeselnik
#19. I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
Anthony Jeselnik
#20. You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
Anthony Jeselnik
#21. You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
Anthony Jeselnik
#22. I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really.
Anthony Jeselnik
#23. I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
Anthony Jeselnik
#24. Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
Anthony Jeselnik
#25. In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
Anthony Jeselnik
#26. I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
Anthony Jeselnik
#27. I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn't be trying these things. That's ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks.
Anthony Jeselnik
#28. In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.
Anthony Jeselnik
#29. It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
Anthony Jeselnik
#30. There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.
Anthony Jeselnik
#32. The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.
Anthony Jeselnik
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