Top 30 Best Hedberg Quotes

#1. P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #445
#2. Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see."

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #15128
#3. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #19882
#4. I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #24205
#5. My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like "Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf."

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #27820
#6. If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #28528
#7. People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on.

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #40183
#8. Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #44253
#9. I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #45986
#10. Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #55421
#11. A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #68750
#12. Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #68761
#13. I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #82931
#14. Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #96866
#15. I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #108602
#16. Knowledge grows, and simultaneously it becomes obsolete as reality changes. Understanding involves both learning new knowledge and discarding obsolete and misleading knowledge. The discarding activity--unlearning--is as important a part of understanding as is adding new knowledge.

Bo Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #118809
#17. I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #118957
#18. I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #130632
#19. I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #142230
#20. I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #143852
#21. I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #150603
#22. I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #153540
#23. I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #170231
#24. Then let's print up some flyers!

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #173196
#25. There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #176588
#26. When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #178388
#27. I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #178451
#28. I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #179461
#29. One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #186535
#30. If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Mitch Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes #188486

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