Top 100 Adam Carolla Quotes
#1. The rumors about me being with Jamal Lewis, Adam Carolla and Tiki Barber are absolutely false. I've never even met Adam or Tiki Barber in person'we did phone interviews. What happens is that a lot of high-profile men saw topless photos of me.
Kola Boof
#2. Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn't funny.
Andy Kindler
#3. I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much.
Adam Carolla
#5. Fixing your fucked-up life is not government's job.
Adam Carolla
#6. Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
Adam Carolla
#7. If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.
Adam Carolla
#10. Now the poles have gotten so far apart that anyone who isn't officiating a gay wedding at a Whole Foods is considered to be to the right of Rush Limbaugh.
Adam Carolla
#11. When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!
Adam Carolla
#12. Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do ...
Adam Carolla
#13. Unfinished Beer Guy: I can't tell you how many times I've had a party on a Saturday night, and then walk around for an hour on Sunday morning, tearfully emptying 2,600 unfinished beers. I feel like the guys who removed the bodies from a Civil War battlefield.
Adam Carolla
#14. What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.
Adam Carolla
#16. Now the only thing we have on our hands is too much time, and we're turning on ourselves.
Adam Carolla
#18. If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?
Adam Carolla
#19. If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.
Adam Carolla
#21. I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.
Adam Carolla
#22. The very definition of 'beauty' is outside.
Adam Carolla
#23. If the media isn't slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?
Adam Carolla
#24. Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.
Adam Carolla
#25. The truth is we're all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else's book. We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.
Adam Carolla
#26. I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.
Adam Carolla
#27. It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.
Adam Carolla
#28. I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.
Adam Carolla
#29. I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.
Adam Carolla
#30. I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.
Adam Carolla
#31. Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.
Adam Carolla
#32. I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.
Adam Carolla
#33. I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial.
Adam Carolla
#34. Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.
Adam Carolla
#35. Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.
Adam Carolla
#36. To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can't you do.
Adam Carolla
#37. There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.
Adam Carolla
#38. All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.
Adam Carolla
#39. A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money - do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.
Adam Carolla
#41. I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the 'Every vote counts.'
Adam Carolla
#42. Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.
Adam Carolla
#43. It's like the guy who announces his wife is his best friend. He doesn't mean it; he just does it to make the rest of us look like assholes.
Adam Carolla
#44. I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.
Adam Carolla
#45. Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.
Adam Carolla
#46. You should never say to a superior, "I did my best," when you fuck up, because you are then declaring you are a fuckup. Your best is fucking up. If that's the case I'd hate to see you on a bad day when you were only putting in 50 percent. The answer is not "I did my best," it's "I'll do better.
Adam Carolla
#47. Screw guilt
I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn't bother me. I'm an atheist!
Adam Carolla
#48. If you're conservative in Hollywood, you're on a list of people who need to be put in their place.
Adam Carolla
#49. Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show.
Adam Carolla
#50. I think the government is incompetent, not evil.
Adam Carolla
#52. I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.
Adam Carolla
#53. I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.
Adam Carolla
#54. I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.
Adam Carolla
#55. No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.
Adam Carolla
#56. Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes.
Adam Carolla
#57. I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.
Adam Carolla
#58. No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.
Adam Carolla
#59. I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.
Adam Carolla
#60. My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.
Adam Carolla
#61. It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I've done so much morning radio that I won't be overwhelmed by it, but it's still going to be a challenge.
Adam Carolla
#63. I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.
Adam Carolla
#64. There are children in Africa that go to bed without a buzz.
Adam Carolla
#66. I think we're getting to the point where everyone's getting fat and everyone's getting allergic, or claims to be allergic to something and people can't walk from their front door to their car without a bottle of water in their hand because they have to hydrate every three and half steps.
Adam Carolla
#67. Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.
Adam Carolla
#68. It's something I've always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing.
Adam Carolla
#69. Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We're always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.
Adam Carolla
#70. Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.
Adam Carolla
#71. By the way, in that same session an ad popped up that said, "Tired of masturbating?" I thought, "Nope. Try me again in about one-hundred-fifty years.
Adam Carolla
#72. Being a depressed hippie is a lose-lose. It would be like if a rice cake had the caloric content of a MoonPie.
Adam Carolla
#73. Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.
Adam Carolla
#74. I guess my feeling is is that if you're going to make a joke, that's fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you're trying to make.
Adam Carolla
#75. You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.
Adam Carolla
#76. If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.
Adam Carolla
#77. Nowadays, telling your wife "I have to work" gets you a disappointed sigh. This is the worst period in history to be a dad. It used to be that if you worked and provided that was enough.
Adam Carolla
#78. Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.
Adam Carolla
#79. I'm just a normal guy with some good solid common sense who has zero tolerance for those with zero intelligence.
Adam Carolla
#80. I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.
Adam Carolla
#81. You're working-class heroes, even though you don't work.
Adam Carolla
#82. You can be an expert on anything if you just use logic.
Adam Carolla
#83. I don't know that I appreciate things more because of how I grew up, but I am very realistic with what I expect out of people and what they expect out of me.
Adam Carolla
#84. I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.
Adam Carolla
#85. [Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.
Adam Carolla
#86. I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women.
Adam Carolla
#87. If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course ... Real estate values go 'boom!'
Adam Carolla
#88. People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.
Adam Carolla
#89. I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.
Adam Carolla
#90. I'm harmless. I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you're that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.
Adam Carolla
#91. I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.
Adam Carolla
#92. I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.
Adam Carolla
#93. I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care.
Adam Carolla
#94. I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.
Adam Carolla
#95. I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
Adam Carolla
#96. You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.
Adam Carolla
#97. If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.
Adam Carolla
#98. When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
Adam Carolla
#99. That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone ... forever?
Adam Carolla
#100. The government is a giant corporation with no competition that is constantly trying to keep you off balance so it can siphon more money from you.
Adam Carolla
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