Top 100 Sloane Crosley Quotes
#1. As most doctors will tell you, cleansing is ridiculous. You know what's been around longer than that state-of-the-art juicer? Your kidneys. And your liver. Still, the cleanse has recalibrated my definition of a splurge.
Sloane Crosley
#2. Kids across the country have grown up accepting the idea that no one can harm your family if at least one of its adult members is in the shower. No one knows why.
Sloane Crosley
#3. It takes a level of creative depression to hear 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' and weep.
Sloane Crosley
#4. Every time I open the drawer, it's a trip down Memory Lane, which, if you don't turn off at the right exit, merges straight into the Masochistic Nostalgia Highway.
Sloane Crosley
#5. Since graduation, I have measured time in 4-by-5-inch pieces of paper, four days on the left and three on the right. Every social engagement, interview, reading, flight, doctor's appointment, birthday and dry-cleaning reminder has been handwritten between metal loops.
Sloane Crosley
#6. The question is never "Should I be annoyed?" but "How annoyed should I be?
Sloane Crosley
#7. Why do people always want to put their hands on vulnerability? I sped up.
Sloane Crosley
#8. I don't understand how you can be a decent writer and not know people.
Sloane Crosley
#9. People tend to be more tofu-like, able to absorb whatever environment they're dropped into. But where does the adaptability end and your actual personality begin?
Sloane Crosley
#10. Were they making the Kool-Aid in breathable form these days?
Sloane Crosley
#11. I write on weekends, on vacation, and, really - on deadline and on my floor. Both terrible for the back.
Sloane Crosley
#12. Perhaps if I'd had God in my life growing up I would have been able to understand the total and complete unfairness of the universe rewarding mean girls
Sloane Crosley
#13. I don't do emoticons unless I'm making a big deal out of them. I'll type out, 'This is so amusing it makes me want to grin in pixels.' And then do it.
Sloane Crosley
#14. In New York and L.A., there is sort of that silent competition to be on the cutting edge of something. You end up having a conversation with how the world receives your work, especially if you are writing narrative, not fiction. Sometimes it is an awkward conversation. It's like group therapy.
Sloane Crosley
#15. For a long time I wanted to draw, but I could never get the proportions right. My still life sketches were the artistic equivalent of someone who has misjudged the space constraints of a postcard, the handwriting shrinking uncomfortably at the bottom.
Sloane Crosley
#16. I thought I was going to write fiction but I fell backwards into non-fiction. It started when I got locked out of two apartments in one day and I told the story to some friends, one of whom worked in the 'Village Voice' and asked me to turn it into an essay.
Sloane Crosley
#17. Its remarkable the logic we build around a misapprehension.
Sloane Crosley
#18. Picture it in your mind's nostril: you get in a cab in time to catch twin thugs named Vomit and Cologne assaulting a defenseless pine-tree air freshener.
Sloane Crosley
#19. If I could just get my partner to see me how she used to - to fall in love with me all over again - everything would be okay. Every morning I would vow to work harder, and every morning something would go wrong.
Sloane Crosley
#20. When I was five, my mother and sister sat me up on the kitchen counter and explained the facts of life: the Easter Bunny didn't exist, Elijah was God's invisible friend, with any luck Nana would die soon and If I ever saw a unicorn, I should kill it or catch it for cash.
Sloane Crosley
#21. I wouldn't want to live in Berlin. It's bombed out and there's a lot of techno.
Sloane Crosley
#22. Personal technology has given us the freedom of being able to do whatever we want - and in the case of celebrities and athletes, whomever they want. But it can also serve as a humiliation jetpack.
Sloane Crosley
#23. I felt like I wasn't doing justice to either side of my life. It wasn't pronounced. Publicity is an awkward thing to do. It is awkward to call people up all the time and ask them for things on a very basic level.
Sloane Crosley
#24. And some of the people i knew were contemplating our circumstances. our circumstances being poorly paid jobs if we worked in the arts, two hours of sleep if we worked in money, and a newfound sense of intellectual inferiority if we worked in publishing.
Sloane Crosley
#25. I have never pictured my own wedding. I do want to get married. I think it's a nice idea. Though I think husbands are like tattoos
you should wait until you come across something you want on your body for the rest of your life..
Sloane Crosley
#26. Ah, the power of two. There's nothing quite like it. Especially when it comes to paying utility bills, parenting, cooking elaborate meals, purchasing a grown-up bed, jumping rope and lifting heavy machinery. The world favours pairs. Who wants to waste the wood building an ark for singletons?
Sloane Crosley
#27. Sometimes in New York, you're walking down the street and you realize there's a girl walking in front of you whose thighs you could hit a golf ball through, and maybe that makes you depressed.
Sloane Crosley
#28. I hope to one day co-sign a lease with another person but, well, it doesn't plague me that I have yet to do so. Put it this way: I've never had to violently tug at my own pillow at 2 A.M. to get myself to stop snoring.
Sloane Crosley
#29. Going to a museum is one of those inexplicably tiring things. You're not actually doing anything, more shifting your weight from room to room than walking. And yet it is one of the more tiring things one can do, no matter how thrilled you are by the exhibits.
Sloane Crosley
#30. The hardest thing is spending twelve hours a day accommodating the rest of the world, then going home at night and criticizing it. I would be curious about what I'd write if I didn't have to worry about offending.
Sloane Crosley
#31. The "pass" was a normal-sized key with a wooden block the size of a brick attached to it. This was meant to broadcast the administration's lack of faith in our ability to hold on to small objects.
Sloane Crosley
#32. You should never wear anything you can't afford to lose.
Sloane Crosley
#33. There's already a marriage clock, a career clock, a biological clock. Sometimes being a woman feels like standing in the lobby of a hotel, looking at the dials depicting every time zone in the world behind the front desk - except they all apply to you, and all at once.
Sloane Crosley
#34. My grandmother was a kind of Scarsdale, New York, society woman, best known in her day as the author of the 1959 book 'Growing Your Own Way: An Informal Guide for Teen-Agers' - this despite being a person whose parenting style made Joan Crawford's wire hangers look like pool noodles.
Sloane Crosley
#35. My A-number one visceral fear is speed. More than knives or snakes or confined spaces. Speed. I won't even go on a motor boat if I can help it.
Sloane Crosley
#36. It's never good to fall in love with someone whom you'd have to stab in the eyeballs to elicit a response.
Sloane Crosley
#37. I am the proud indentured servant of a brilliant art adviser who may or may not have purposely stapled my index finger to a manila folder
Sloane Crosley
#38. You can't fall away from something if you were never there in the first place. It's the difference between jumping off a cliff and passing out where you stand.
Sloane Crosley
#39. I was surprised by how much I loved Portland. It is so wonderfully creative without being artsy. Great food scene.
Sloane Crosley
#40. A lot of people are lonely. A lot of people are lonely even when they're surrounded by other people.
Sloane Crosley
#41. Normally, I am a vocal advocate for 'looking both ways' and 'knowing the size of one's own body.' But working, socialising and simply running errands in Manhattan, means I am bound to break my own rules on occasion.
Sloane Crosley
#42. A human being can spend only so much time outside her comfort zone before she realizes she is still tethered to it.
Sloane Crosley
#43. But now my problems had been set loose. They could be anywhere at any time and I was just like everyone else I knew: almost positive that there was something profoundly and undiagnosably wrong with me.
Sloane Crosley
#44. I think the rule of thumb should be this: if you preface a sentence about a friend with the phrase, 'I love X, but ... ' more than once in any conversation, you should stop hanging out with them.
Sloane Crosley
#45. I think husbands are like tattoos
you should wait until you come across something you want on your body for the rest of your life instead of just wandering into a tattoo parlor on some idle Sunday and saying, 'I feel like I should have one of these suckers by now.
Sloane Crosley
#46. People who just had sex had an annoying habit of assuming everyone around them had just had sex. Which was also, coincidentally, what people who were not having sex assumed.
Sloane Crosley
#47. I think a lot of humor is about distracting yourself. Pretend you're not trying to make it funny. Because for some reason the effort to be funny smells like sulphur in our culture.
Sloane Crosley
#48. It is my belief that people who speak of high school with a sugary fondness are bluffing away early-onset Alzheimer's.
Sloane Crosley
#49. [He] is the worst kind of asshole they make - the kind who is completely oblivious to how he sounds, the kind who is impossible to argue with because he doesn't allow for a worldview outside of his own.
Sloane Crosley
#50. There are little elements in a person's life, minor fibers that become unintentionally tangled with our personality. Sometimes it's a patent phrase, sometimes it's a perfume, sometimes it's a wristwatch.
Sloane Crosley
#51. I spent a lot of time waiting for things to happen to me, which is more or less as pathetic as it sounds.
Sloane Crosley
#52. Because this is the beauty of strangers: we're all just doing our best to help each other out, motivated not by karma but by a natural instinct to help the greater whole.
Sloane Crosley
#53. Not all shabby is chic, just like not every porn actor is a star.
Sloane Crosley
#54. Time grabs you by the scruff of your neck and drags you forward. You get over it, of course. Everyone was right about that. One mathematically insignificant day, you stop hoping for happiness and become actually happy.
Sloane Crosley
#55. Our brains are like bonsai trees, growing around our private versions of reality.
Sloane Crosley
#56. I think that most New Yorkers would object to calling me a New Yorker. I didn't grow up here.
Sloane Crosley
#57. It's funny. People often compare me to other humor essayists. They're usually quite nice comparisons; I will accept those gladly. But I am always sort of appalled at the idea of being lumped with other, more chick-y female writers. And the truth is probably that neither comparison is accurate.
Sloane Crosley
#58. I can't see the forest through the trees, except the trees are people.
Sloane Crosley
#59. Yes. I am writing full-time. Which is strange. It feels like not having a job.
Sloane Crosley
#60. Unless we're talking about old-school, witchcraft-trial violence, can we please phase out the phrase 'girl crush?' While we're at it, if we can axe 'like, total girl crush' unless Total Girl Crush is the name of a fizzy soft drink, in which case I'll take two, thank you.
Sloane Crosley
#61. Names I am most commonly called by telemarketers: Simone, Slain, Siobhan, Flo, Stacey, Susan, Slater, Leanne, and Slow (Yes, my parents named me "Slow". That's because they hate me and made me sleep in the linen closet subsisting only on bath salts and Scope).
Sloane Crosley
#62. Even a person like this makes mistakes, can't always hold on to everything they'd like to,can't always force the world to spin in the direction of their choosing. You'll hug him longer than necessary and tell him to keep in touch. And you'll know, finally, that it had nothing to do with you.
Sloane Crosley
#63. Are there moments when I see unrequited crushes or ex-boyfriends slow dancing with their dates and kind of want to stab myself in the spleen with a salad fork? Yeah, sure.
Sloane Crosley
#64. You know what they say: 'Why sit at a table that doesn't have key lime pie on it if you don't have to?'
Sloane Crosley
#65. My mother is a special education teacher but also an artist, and my father an advertising executive. They are about as wacky as you can get without being alcoholics.
Sloane Crosley
#66. The truth is, I wrote a novel when I was 23. It's hideously bad. Truly rotten.
Sloane Crosley
#67. love is not boastful. But hate? Apparently hate has a big mouth.
Sloane Crosley
#68. The world I describe is about how people live now. It's not about zany people with unlimited, inexplicable funds in an apartment somewhere.
Sloane Crosley
#69. What can you do? Time grabs you by the scruff of your neck and drags you forward.
Sloane Crosley
#70. I do think New York prepares you for the crossection of personalities and realities on display when you leave the country, and I'd live somewhere else if I had a reason or burning-the-the-point-of-discomfort desire to do so.
Sloane Crosley
#71. Everyone has been in a social situation where you say something and it goes unnoticed, then someone else says the same thing and everyone laughs a lot. You learn how to be more creative and whacky and amusing.
Sloane Crosley
#72. The side effects of growing up 'just outside of [insert major urban center here] are many but practically intangible. This is logical given the fact that suburbia itself is a side effect and practically intangible.
Sloane Crosley
#73. Out of all artists, authors are the least trained for the spotlight. Wanting attention isn't a requisite part of the package.
Sloane Crosley
#74. We've come to expect so little from online privacy measures that public displays of concern about the matter are more or less for show. Being devastated to discover you've been tagged in somebody else's photo has an air of the melodramatic about it at this point.
Sloane Crosley
#75. Los Angeles had its faults, metaphorical and geophysical, but it was not a malicious place. People were nice here. Hollywood was the grade school teacher who started you off with an "A" until you failed. New York was the one who gave you an "F" until you proved you deserved better.
Sloane Crosley
#76. Insomniacs tend to fall into two general categories - those who give up and those who don't. I don't. I refuse to admit defeat by turning on the light. I will not try to read or watch a movie, thank you. Productivity is a crutch of the weak.
Sloane Crosley
#77. What annoyed me was that I so often attempted to weasel out of things on purpose, it killed me to do it by accident. It seemed like a waste of whatever detailed lie I was going to have to come up with.
Sloane Crosley
#78. We all deserve to be congratulated, but sadly that would mean there's no one left to do the congratulating.
Sloane Crosley
#79. The year most of my high school friends and I got our driver's permits, the coolest thing one could do was stand outside after school and twirl one's car keys like a lifeguard whistle. That jingling sound meant freedom and power.
Sloane Crosley
#80. And there's something about having an especially different name that makes it difficult to imagine what you would be like as a Jennifer.
Sloane Crosley
#81. One day you turn and "social studies" has become "Chilean fiefdoms of the fourteenth century" and that's how you know you're in college.
Sloane Crosley
#82. I was compiling a list in my head titled 'Reasons to Get Up: You Don't Have to Leave, but You Can't Pee Here.
Sloane Crosley
#83. I can feel the tingling in my hand as if I've already slapped her, so right does it feel.
Sloane Crosley
#84. Alaska is what happens when Willy Wonka and the witch from Hansel and Gretel elope, buy a place together upstate, renounce their sweet teeth, and turn into health fanatics.
Sloane Crosley
#85. I don't really think of my essays as being about myself. I know it sounds insane, but I just don't think of them as a memoir. They're essays; they're not an autobiography.
Sloane Crosley
#86. I had no idea that people thought Jews had horns. Where I came from, Jews had good grades and BMWs.
Sloane Crosley
#87. Francine looked up and mouthed, "Thank you." "any titme," I lied.
Sloane Crosley
#88. For the average person, taken to their sick bed, it takes a serious bout of pneumonia or a full body cast to completely forget the life they had prior to falling off the rollercoaster. I, however, will do this over a paper cut on my thumb, obsessing of said cut and being generally consumed by it.
Sloane Crosley
#89. Hey there.' I cleared my throat. 'How are you?'
I'm engaged!'
Incidentally, this is an unacceptable answer to that question.
Sloane Crosley
#90. The real proof that I have tried to love and that people have tried to love me back was never going to fit in a kitchen drawer.
Sloane Crosley
#91. As most New Yorkers have done, I have given serious and generous thought to the state of my apartment should I get killed during the day.
Sloane Crosley
#92. There is something inherently manly about climbing a mountain. Though, taken literally, that would make a deep sea dive the most feminine activity on the planet.
Sloane Crosley
#93. Brits and Americans have hundreds of different phrases for the same thing. Luckily, it's usually a source of amusement rather than frustration. A flashlight by any other name is still a torch. My personal favourite is 'fairy lights,' which we boringly refer to as 'Christmas lights.'
Sloane Crosley
#94. Working on an essay versus a novel is like the difference between seeing to that curtain and seeing to New Jersey.
Sloane Crosley
#95. The lies we construct to defend ourselves from humiliation are the strongest, refusing to be torn down.
Sloane Crosley
#96. Juice cleansing has been all the rage for some time. And I used the word 'rage' advisedly; one must push a violent flood of liquidised vegetables and fruit through one's system for at least three days in order to perform a 'cleanse.'
Sloane Crosley
#97. How above-the-law children's books are. Hansel and Gretel (littering, breaking and entering), Rumpelstiltskin (forced labor), Snow White (conspiracy to commit murder), Rapunzel (break of contract).
Sloane Crosley
#98. The Darkness at Irving. Hope to have as much fun doing anything ever as these guys have on stage.
Sloane Crosley
#99. I now know my right from my left and my up from my down. Unluckily, my terrible sense of direction remains. For me, to live in New York City is to never be able to meet someone on the northeast corner. It is to never ever make a smooth entrance, always to get caught looking lost on the street.
Sloane Crosley
#100. In every woman's wardrobe, there are certain accessories that cannot be separated from their back stories.
Sloane Crosley
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