Top 100 Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
#2. I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
Rodney Dangerfield
#3. When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
Rodney Dangerfield
#4. I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
Rodney Dangerfield
#5. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield
#6. My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
Rodney Dangerfield
#8. If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half!
Rodney Dangerfield
#10. My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
Rodney Dangerfield
#11. My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Rodney Dangerfield
#12. With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
Rodney Dangerfield
#14. I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
Rodney Dangerfield
#17. My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
Rodney Dangerfield
#18. It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.
Rodney Dangerfield
#20. I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield
#21. I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.
Rodney Dangerfield
#22. I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
Rodney Dangerfield
#23. People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .
Rodney Dangerfield
#24. To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
Rodney Dangerfield
#25. I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
Rodney Dangerfield
#26. I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
Rodney Dangerfield
#27. With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
Rodney Dangerfield
#29. A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield
#30. With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
Rodney Dangerfield
#32. I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu ... she bid me a don't.
Rodney Dangerfield
#34. And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
Rodney Dangerfield
#35. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
Rodney Dangerfield
#36. When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
Rodney Dangerfield
#37. Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
Rodney Dangerfield
#38. My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
Rodney Dangerfield
#39. I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
Rodney Dangerfield
#40. For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
Rodney Dangerfield
#41. I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Rodney Dangerfield
#42. We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
Rodney Dangerfield
#43. When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
Rodney Dangerfield
#45. I went to see my doctor ... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah ... I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
Rodney Dangerfield
#46. When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
Rodney Dangerfield
#47. I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
Rodney Dangerfield
#48. You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
Rodney Dangerfield
#49. One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
Rodney Dangerfield
#50. I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
Rodney Dangerfield
#51. Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
Rodney Dangerfield
#52. I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
Rodney Dangerfield
#53. If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.
Rodney Dangerfield
#54. At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
Rodney Dangerfield
#55. I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
Rodney Dangerfield
#56. My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
Rodney Dangerfield
#58. My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
Rodney Dangerfield
#59. My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
Rodney Dangerfield
#60. With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
Rodney Dangerfield
#61. I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
Rodney Dangerfield
#62. My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
Rodney Dangerfield
#63. I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.
Rodney Dangerfield
#64. When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
Rodney Dangerfield
#65. I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
Rodney Dangerfield
#66. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
#67. When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
Rodney Dangerfield
#68. I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.
Rodney Dangerfield
#69. If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
Rodney Dangerfield
#70. My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
Rodney Dangerfield
#71. We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
Rodney Dangerfield
#72. I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
Rodney Dangerfield
#74. One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.
Rodney Dangerfield
#76. Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
Rodney Dangerfield
#77. My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Rodney Dangerfield
#78. I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?
Rodney Dangerfield
#82. Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
Rodney Dangerfield
#83. I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
Rodney Dangerfield
#84. My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
Rodney Dangerfield
#85. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield
#86. My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
Rodney Dangerfield
#89. I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
Rodney Dangerfield
#90. My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Rodney Dangerfield
#91. I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
Rodney Dangerfield
#92. I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
Rodney Dangerfield
#93. I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
Rodney Dangerfield
#94. My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
Rodney Dangerfield
#95. When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
Rodney Dangerfield
#96. I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
Rodney Dangerfield
#98. Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
Rodney Dangerfield
#99. With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
