Top 100 Phyllis Diller Quotes
#1. We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Phyllis Diller
#2. I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
#3. I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
Phyllis Diller
#4. Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller
#5. The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids ... and when you're away from them, who needs it?.
Phyllis Diller
#7. We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
Phyllis Diller
#8. Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
Phyllis Diller
#9. I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Phyllis Diller
#10. Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
Phyllis Diller
#12. Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
#13. When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
Phyllis Diller
#14. The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
Phyllis Diller
#15. Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
Phyllis Diller
#16. Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.
Phyllis Diller
#18. Get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
Phyllis Diller
#19. There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
Phyllis Diller
#20. Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.
Phyllis Diller
#22. Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.
Phyllis Diller
#23. I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
Phyllis Diller
#25. My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
Phyllis Diller
#26. I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
Phyllis Diller
#27. I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller
#28. I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Phyllis Diller
#30. Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.
Phyllis Diller
#31. I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.
Phyllis Diller
#32. It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Phyllis Diller
#33. Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
Phyllis Diller
#34. A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Phyllis Diller
#35. My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
#36. Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.
Phyllis Diller
#37. You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Phyllis Diller
#39. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller
#40. Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.
Phyllis Diller
#41. Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
Phyllis Diller
#42. When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.
Phyllis Diller
#43. Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller
#44. Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
Phyllis Diller
#45. It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
Phyllis Diller
#46. I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
Phyllis Diller
#47. Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
Phyllis Diller
#48. It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
Phyllis Diller
#50. Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
Phyllis Diller
#51. I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
Phyllis Diller
#52. If I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
Phyllis Diller
#53. Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.
Phyllis Diller
#54. If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
Phyllis Diller
#55. I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.
Phyllis Diller
#56. Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.
Phyllis Diller
#57. Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
Phyllis Diller
#58. I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."
Phyllis Diller
#59. Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
Phyllis Diller
#61. How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
Phyllis Diller
#62. They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
Phyllis Diller
#64. Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
Phyllis Diller
#65. You want to look younger ... rent smaller children.
Phyllis Diller
#66. Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller
#67. Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
Phyllis Diller
#68. You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller
#69. My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
Phyllis Diller
#70. To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
Phyllis Diller
#71. A terrible thing happened to me last night again - nothing.
Phyllis Diller
#72. I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
Phyllis Diller
#73. Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
Phyllis Diller
#74. Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
Phyllis Diller
#75. I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
Phyllis Diller
#76. You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
Phyllis Diller
#78. I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
Phyllis Diller
#80. This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Phyllis Diller
#81. My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
Phyllis Diller
#82. On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother.
Phyllis Diller
#83. If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
Phyllis Diller
#84. We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
#85. My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
#86. My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller
#87. Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream
I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.
Phyllis Diller
#88. He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Phyllis Diller
#89. When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
Phyllis Diller
#90. Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
Phyllis Diller
#91. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller
#92. We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid ...
Phyllis Diller
#93. When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
Phyllis Diller
#94. I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
Phyllis Diller
#96. Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.
Phyllis Diller
#97. My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
Phyllis Diller
#98. It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.
Phyllis Diller
#99. Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller
#100. I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.
Phyllis Diller
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
