Top 100 Mitch Hedberg Quotes
#1. People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on.
Mitch Hedberg
#2. I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.
Mitch Hedberg
#3. I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
Mitch Hedberg
#4. I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."
Mitch Hedberg
#5. When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
Mitch Hedberg
#6. I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.
Mitch Hedberg
#7. I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg
#8. XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"
Mitch Hedberg
#9. I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"
Mitch Hedberg
#10. I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
Mitch Hedberg
#11. Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg
#12. My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Mitch Hedberg
#13. I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg
#14. Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
Mitch Hedberg
#15. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg
#16. I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg
#18. When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
Mitch Hedberg
#19. I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
#20. I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
#21. I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. "You sound older!"
Mitch Hedberg
#22. I like it when people come to see me again, but you end up playing to that person only. You know there's other people out there, but you also know that the person who came to see you again is there. You're like, "I hope he's happy again."
Mitch Hedberg
#23. I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
Mitch Hedberg
#24. I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"
Mitch Hedberg
#25. I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"
Mitch Hedberg
#26. So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.
Mitch Hedberg
#27. I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
Mitch Hedberg
#28. I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
Mitch Hedberg
#29. I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.
Mitch Hedberg
#30. I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
Mitch Hedberg
#31. If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.
Mitch Hedberg
#32. I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
Mitch Hedberg
#33. All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Mitch Hedberg
#34. I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg
#35. I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
#36. Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
Mitch Hedberg
#37. Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.
Mitch Hedberg
#38. I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.
Mitch Hedberg
#39. I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.
Mitch Hedberg
#40. Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Mitch Hedberg
#41. A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
Mitch Hedberg
#42. Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"
Mitch Hedberg
#43. I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.
Mitch Hedberg
#45. I played golf ... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying ...
Mitch Hedberg
#46. Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have time. Scrambled!
Mitch Hedberg
#47. I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.
Mitch Hedberg
#48. I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'
Mitch Hedberg
#49. I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.
Mitch Hedberg
#51. They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"
Mitch Hedberg
#52. When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
Mitch Hedberg
#53. I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"
Mitch Hedberg
#54. I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Mitch Hedberg
#55. I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Mitch Hedberg
#56. You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."
Mitch Hedberg
#57. As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. "How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!" That's what you say when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.
Mitch Hedberg
#58. A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.
Mitch Hedberg
#60. I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
Mitch Hedberg
#61. I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it's exact purpose!
Mitch Hedberg
#63. I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"
Mitch Hedberg
#64. I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
Mitch Hedberg
#65. I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
Mitch Hedberg
#66. I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
#67. Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.
Mitch Hedberg
#68. I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".
Mitch Hedberg
#69. I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."
Mitch Hedberg
#70. I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Mitch Hedberg
#71. I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Mitch Hedberg
#72. If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!
Mitch Hedberg
#73. I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..
Mitch Hedberg
#74. My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
Mitch Hedberg
#75. On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'
Mitch Hedberg
#76. I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner."
Mitch Hedberg
#77. My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."
Mitch Hedberg
#78. The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."
Mitch Hedberg
#79. I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!
Mitch Hedberg
#80. You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it's nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy's not being invaded. But there's nothing like walking back into a clean room. You've got to remember that.
Mitch Hedberg
#81. You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg
#82. A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense, we called ourselves "Injured". Later on we changed it to "Acapella" when we were walking out of the pawn shop.
Mitch Hedberg
#83. If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
Mitch Hedberg
#84. How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.
Mitch Hedberg
#85. Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
Mitch Hedberg
#86. As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.
Mitch Hedberg
#87. I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
#88. If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
Mitch Hedberg
#89. Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
Mitch Hedberg
#91. People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Mitch Hedberg
#92. I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
Mitch Hedberg
#93. I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."
Mitch Hedberg
#94. I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."
Mitch Hedberg
#95. If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.
Mitch Hedberg
#96. I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg
#97. If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
#98. I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
Mitch Hedberg
#99. If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
Mitch Hedberg
#100. I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."
Mitch Hedberg
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