Michael McIntyre Quotes

#1. There are only two conditions where you're allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: it's snowing or the death of a celebrity.

Michael McIntyre

#2. I'm glad Carol Vorderman has left Countdown, I mean it's not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker.

Michael McIntyre

#3. I had a much better fantasy life, than a real life.

Michael McIntyre

#4. I've got a little baby, I made him ... He doesn't speak, he's 2 ... He's a slow learner, he's only got 2 words ... car and map ... I'm slightly worried he's trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble!

Michael McIntyre

#5. Normally you have news, weather and travel ... but not on snow day, on snow day news is weather is travel.

Michael McIntyre

#6. They had to ask spain I think, they've had to say to Spain, can you lend us some stuff for the roads, and it's Gordon Brown phoning up going 'pass the salt'

Michael McIntyre

#7. My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with ... she read hers out and there were no surprises ... 1 George Clooney ... 2 Brad Pitt etc ... I thought 'Ive got the better deal here' ... 1 Your sister

Michael McIntyre

#8. So you're mother? Nice to put a name to a face.

Michael McIntyre