Jon Konrath Quotes

#1. They say practice mindfulness, practice meditation, practice kindness, practice breathing. I found no answers and wanted to practice driving a tank through a department store.

Jon Konrath

#2. He set down his chili dog, and after a pondering moment of silence, he replied with words of wisdom I'd never forget: "Fuck women. Fuck school. Fuck money. Go write some books, get a good agent, lift weights, get tattoos, and never do a film with Keanu Reeves.

Jon Konrath

#3. We worship Satan and only eat GMO foods. All hail Monsanto!

Jon Konrath

#4. Don't do lunchmeat, kids. Bologna. Not even once.

Jon Konrath

#5. The white dress, made of billowy fabric like a cargo parachute, made her look like the female Boss Hogg trying out for a part in a community theater presentation of Brigadoon.

Jon Konrath

#6. I switched to using I Can't Believe It's Not Butter as my anal lube," Earl said. "My cholesterol is down 20 points.

Jon Konrath

#7. When you live in extreme pain, sometimes you need even more pain to feel alive.

Jon Konrath

#8. I go to look up the elevation of the Golden Gate bridge on Wikipedia, and an hour later I'm watching four guys in lucha libre masks fuck a dolphin.

Jon Konrath

#9. Fuck, can you give me a ride to Office Depot when I'm done with these dildos?

Jon Konrath