Top 100 Joan Rivers Quotes
#1. Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
Joan Rivers
#2. I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
Joan Rivers
#3. Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.
Joan Rivers
#4. I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math - if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?
Joan Rivers
#5. Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
Joan Rivers
#6. Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
Joan Rivers
#7. Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.
Joan Rivers
#8. I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
Joan Rivers
#9. I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew?
Joan Rivers
#10. If you have more than a couple of kids, you're not parents - you're hoarders. And hoarding is a disorder, not a gift.
Joan Rivers
#11. I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.
Joan Rivers
#12. On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
Joan Rivers
#13. I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.
Joan Rivers
#14. With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
Joan Rivers
#15. One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she's mean.
Joan Rivers
#16. If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
Joan Rivers
#17. My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.
Joan Rivers
#18. I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid.
Joan Rivers
#19. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!
Joan Rivers
#21. People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Joan Rivers
#22. If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
Joan Rivers
#23. Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.
Joan Rivers
#24. My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
Joan Rivers
#25. Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
Joan Rivers
#26. I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers
#27. The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
Joan Rivers
#28. Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
Joan Rivers
#29. I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
Joan Rivers
#30. Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.
Joan Rivers
#31. Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.
Joan Rivers
#32. Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
Joan Rivers
#33. Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.
Joan Rivers
#34. I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
Joan Rivers
#35. I could stop and live carefully but that's ridiculous. I don't want to live carefully.
Joan Rivers
#36. I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
Joan Rivers
#37. I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
Joan Rivers
#38. You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
Joan Rivers
#39. Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.
Joan Rivers
#40. I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
Joan Rivers
#41. Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
Joan Rivers
#42. I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
Joan Rivers
#43. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.
Joan Rivers
#44. I will work as hard as I do because I love it.
Joan Rivers
#45. Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Joan Rivers
#46. My audiences get younger all the time.
Joan Rivers
#47. I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
Joan Rivers
#48. I hate Arizona. It always eight hundred degrees outside and everybody's always saying, "But it's a dry heat!" So's the inside of my microwave.
Joan Rivers
#49. My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
Joan Rivers
#50. Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
Joan Rivers
#51. I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
Joan Rivers
#52. Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
Joan Rivers
#53. I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred's Hospital and Grill.
Joan Rivers
#54. The only good thing about age is that sooner or later all of the SOBs who dumped you are going to die.
Joan Rivers
#55. Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
Joan Rivers
#56. Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Joan Rivers
#57. Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
Joan Rivers
#58. But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
Joan Rivers
#59. I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
Joan Rivers
#60. I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
Joan Rivers
#61. Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.
Joan Rivers
#62. My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.
Joan Rivers
#63. It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Joan Rivers
#64. Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren't laughable. But isn't it? That's what separates us from the animals. We laugh.
Joan Rivers
#65. I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make
it through one door, I'll go through another door
or I'll
make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark
the present.
Joan Rivers
#66. I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
Joan Rivers
#67. I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.
Joan Rivers
#68. My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."
Joan Rivers
#69. If you're going to die, die interesting! Is there anything worse than a boring death? (Other than a Charlie Rose marathon on PBS?) I think not. When my time comes I'm going to go out in high style. I have no intention of being sick or lingering or dragging on and on and boring everyone I know.
Joan Rivers
#70. I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
Joan Rivers
#71. A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Joan Rivers
#72. Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.
Joan Rivers
#73. Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
Joan Rivers
#74. Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
Joan Rivers
#75. My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
Joan Rivers
#76. Never admit that your back goes out more than you do
Joan Rivers
#77. My body is a temple, and my temple needs redecorating
Joan Rivers
#78. Everyone takes fashion so seriously! It's fashion - enjoy it!
Joan Rivers
#79. Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.
Joan Rivers
#80. There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
Joan Rivers
#81. We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.
Joan Rivers
#82. I have never learned how to tell somebody something good about myself; that should be a secret they must find out .
Joan Rivers
#83. Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
Joan Rivers
#84. My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
Joan Rivers
#85. I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up.
Joan Rivers
#86. All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always loved fashion and I love that we can do it and not take it seriously.
Joan Rivers
#88. There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
Joan Rivers
#89. Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.
Joan Rivers
#90. It gathers emotionally inside you, in a strange way a by-product of struggle, of a willingness to do anything, try anything, expose yourself to anything - staying in motion because sooner or later those ripples will cause change.
Joan Rivers
#91. You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
Joan Rivers
#92. If you don't think you're funny, no one else will.
Joan Rivers
#93. That baby is so ugly ... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
Joan Rivers
#94. The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.
Joan Rivers
#95. Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!
Joan Rivers
#96. When you whisper about something, it's too big, and you can't get it under control and take control of it.
Joan Rivers
#97. Liked" was the kiss of death. "Loved" or "hated" interested him. At least the performer had aroused emotion.
Joan Rivers
#98. Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
Joan Rivers
#99. I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don't care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch.
Joan Rivers
#100. Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Joan Rivers
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