Jay London Quotes

#1. I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

Jay London

#2. My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

Jay London

#3. I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.

Jay London

#4. I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.

Jay London

#5. I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

Jay London

#6. I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

Jay London

#7. I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

Jay London

#8. My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

Jay London

#9. You know what burns me? Matches.

Jay London

#10. It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

Jay London

#11. A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

Jay London

#12. His puppyhood was a period of foolish rebellion. He was always worsted, but he fought back because it was his nature to fight back. And he was unconquerable.

Jay London

#13. I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

Jay London

#14. Do you know it was a year a ago today?

Jay London

#15. I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

Jay London

#16. After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride ... it's not much but at least I have my pride.

Jay London

#17. A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.

Jay London

#18. They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

Jay London

#19. People read me but they don't subscribe.

Jay London

#20. I was born nine months premature.

Jay London

#21. I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

Jay London

#22. I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

Jay London

#23. I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

Jay London

#24. I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.

Jay London

#25. I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

Jay London

#26. I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

Jay London

#27. At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

Jay London

#28. I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.

Jay London

#29. Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?

Jay London

#30. I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

Jay London

#31. My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

Jay London

#32. My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

Jay London

#33. I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

Jay London

#34. Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

Jay London

#35. My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

Jay London

#36. You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart,

Jay London