Top 100 Helen Fielding Quotes
#1. But the thing about having kids is: you can't go to pieces; you just have to keep going.
Helen Fielding
#2. When he's hot, he's hot; when he's not, he's not. But at least there is always food
Helen Fielding
#3. It struck me as pretty ridiculous to be called Mr. Darcy and to stand on your own looking snooty at a party. It's like being called Heathcliff and insisting on spending the entire evening in the garden, shouting "Cathy" and banging your head against a tree.
Helen Fielding
#4. The whole point of diaries is that other people find them and read what you've put. I did once take to writing my inner thoughts on the computer at the end of other things I was writing and ended up faxing four pages of hideous stuff to my accountant so I don't do that now.
Helen Fielding
#5. Nobody wants to be racist and I think that most people aren't.
Helen Fielding
#6. The nation's young men have
been proved by surveys to be completely unmarriageable, and as a result there's a whole
generation of single girls like me with their own incomes and homes who have lots of fun and
don't need to wash anyone else's socks.
Helen Fielding
#7. It occurred to me that if Africa needed us, sometimes we needed Africa a great deal more.
Helen Fielding
#8. Why are bodies so difficult to manage? Why? 'Oh, oh, look at me, I'm a body, I'm going to splurge fat unless you, like, STARVE yourself and go to undignified TORTURE CENTRES and don't eat anything nice or get drunk.' Hate diet.
Helen Fielding
#9. Should Never,Ever have got involved with Men again. Had completely forgotten the nightmare of 'Why hasn't he called
Helen Fielding
#10. Oh God, what's wrong with me? Why does nothing ever work out?
Helen Fielding
#11. Bet I will become known as brilliant cook and hostess
Helen Fielding
#12. Bad enough when a man wanted to touch but could only look. Worse yet when he'd touched and not even noticed.
Helen Fielding
#13. That is such crap. How dare you be so fraudulently flirtatious, cowardly and dysfunctional? I am not interested in emotional fuckwittage. Goodbye.
Helen Fielding
#14. She's a jellyfisher: You have a conversation with her that seems all nice and friendly, then you suddenly feel like you've been stung and you don't know where it came from.
Helen Fielding
#15. Girls are so much nicer than men (apart from Tom-but homosexual).
Helen Fielding
#16. mascara-ing her eyelashes with her mouth wide open (necessity of open mouth during mascara application great unexplained mystery of nature). "Don't
Helen Fielding
#17. I'm no good at anything. Not men. Not social skills. Not work. Nothing.
Helen Fielding
#18. I mean, I haven't rushed to the answerphone once to see if anyone's aware of my existence in the world!
Helen Fielding
#19. One has to be in control, otherwise the whole dynamic becomes a total disaster.
Helen Fielding
#21. Come on, let's get you a drink. How's your love life, anyway?
Oh God. Why can't married people understand that this is no longer a polite question to ask? We wouldn't rush up to them and roar, How's your marriage going? Still have sex?
Helen Fielding
#22. What is it about mothers and the phone which, immediately you say you have to go, makes them think of nineteen completely irrelevant things they have to tell you that minute?
Helen Fielding
#23. Our culture is too obsessed with outward appearance, age and status. Love is what matters.
Helen Fielding
#24. What about you, this week? First you completely ignore me like some Hitler Youth ice-maiden, then you turn into an irresistible sex kitten, looking at me over the computer with not so much 'come-to-bed' as just 'come' eyes, and now suddenly you're Jeremy Paxman." We
Helen Fielding
#25. 9p.m. My flat. Feel very strange and empty. Is all very well thinking everything is going to be different when you come back but then it is all the same. Suppose I have to make it different. But what am I going to do with my life?
I know. Will eat some cheese.
Helen Fielding
#26. On the night bus, I felt as though parts of other people were going into parts of me I didn't even know existed. I felt like I was being more intimate with members of the night-bus community than I'd ever been with anyone in my whole life.
Helen Fielding
#27. Singletons should not have to explain themselves all the time but should have an
accepted status - like geisha girls do
Helen Fielding
#28. Women today are bombarded with so many messages, like we should have Naomi Campbell's body and Madeleine Albright's career.
Helen Fielding
#29. We cannot avoid pain, we cannot avoid loss. Contentment comes from the ease and flexibility with which we move through change.
Helen Fielding
#30. Maybe will go to yoga and become more flexible. Or maybe will go out with friends and get plastered.
Helen Fielding
#31. Just ... in ... a meeting! How could I be in a meeting, and yet talking on the phone saying I'm in a meeting? People's assistants are meant to say they're in a meeting, not the person themself, who is supposed to be unable to say anything because they're in the meeting.
Helen Fielding
#32. Quite quickly I grew less deranged. I had begun the process of calming down, assimilating and compromising, which is necessary to live comfortably in the world as it is, and probably is why its imbalance never changes. But underneath, my idea of life was completely altered.
Helen Fielding
#33. I will not be defeated by a bad man and an American stick insect ... instead I choose Chaka Khan ... and vodka ... Bridget Jones
Helen Fielding
#35. If we can't have comedy books written about aspects of womanhood without going into a panic attack about it, then we haven't got very far at being equal.
Helen Fielding
#36. I realize it has become too easy to find a diet to fit in with whatever you happen to feel like eating and that diets are not there to be picked and mixed but picked and stuck to, which is exactly what I shall begin to do once I've eaten this chocolate croissant.
Helen Fielding
#37. He picked me up in his arms, as if I was as light as a feather, which I am not, unless it was a very heavy feather, maybe from a giant prehistoric dinosaur-type bird ...
Helen Fielding
#38. Actually last night my married lover appeared wearing suspenders and a darling little angora crop top told me he was gay a sex addict a narcotic addict a commitment phobic and beat me up with a dildo.
Helen Fielding
#39. I began to think I quite liked her really. It's always so nice to meet someone more badly behaved than oneself.
Helen Fielding
#40. You only get one life. I've just made a decision to change things a bit and spend what's left of mine looking after me for a change.
Helen Fielding
#41. I was writing an earnest novel about cruises in the Caribbean and I just started writing 'Bridget Jones' to get some money, to finance this earnest work, and then I chucked it out.
Helen Fielding
#42. It's rather fun writing a female spy, because she has so much more kit. Bond never carried a hair dryer or a makeup bag. And he certainly didn't wear an uplift bra.
Helen Fielding
#45. I will not sulk about having no boyfriend, but develop inner poise and authority and sense of self as woman of substance,complete without boyfriend, as best way to obtain boyfriend.
Helen Fielding
#46. The whole bloody world's got a commitment problem.
It's the three-minute culture. It's a global attention-span deficit.
Helen Fielding
#47. Oh, darling, you can't go around with that tatty green canvas thing. You look like some sort of Mary Poppins person who's fallen on hard times.
Helen Fielding
#48. Can officially confirm that the way to a man's heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.
Helen Fielding
#49. Sink into morbid, cynical reflection on how much romantic heartbreak is to do with ego and miffed pride rather than actual loss
Helen Fielding
#50. I know we're all psychotic, single and completely dysfunctional and it's all done over the phone,' Tom slurred sentimentally, 'but it's a bit like a family, isn't it?
Helen Fielding
#51. The point is you are supposed to vote for the principle of the thing, not the itsy-bitsy detail about this percent and that percent.
Helen Fielding
#52. Oh God. valentine's Day tomorrow. Why? Why? Why is (the) entire world geared to make people not involved in romance feel stupid when everyone knows romance does not work anyway. Look at (the) royal family. Look at Mum and Dad.
Helen Fielding
#53. Reminded of favorite poem by Wendy Cope which goes:
At Christmas little children sing and merry bells jingle.
The cold winter air makes our hands and faces tingle.
And happy families go to church and cheerily they mingle,
And the whole business is unbelievably dreadful if you're single.
Helen Fielding
#54. Age of rationing ended some time ago and is now space rather than possessions which is in short supply.
Helen Fielding
#55. I like you very much. Just as you are. Mark Darcy, Bridget Jones
Helen Fielding
#56. Tom has a theory that homosexuals and single women in their thirties have natural bonding: both being accustomed to disappointing their parents and being treated as freaks by society.
Helen Fielding
#57. I think that when you're writing fiction what you're doing is reflecting life as you see it, and putting down how you think and how other people think, and the sort of confusions that you don't normally like to admit to.
Helen Fielding
#58. Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if left to revert to nature - with
Helen Fielding
#59. I will not Drink more than fourteen alcohol units a week.
Helen Fielding
#60. I hadn't been there ten minutes before there were three turds on the carpet.
Helen Fielding
#61. Valentine's Day purely commercial, cynical enterprise, anyway. Matter of supreme indifference to me.
Helen Fielding
#63. When someone loves you it's like having a blanket all round your heart ...
Helen Fielding
#64. This sort of, arrogant individualism which imagines each new generation can somehow create the world afresh.
Helen Fielding
#65. As women glide from their twenties to thirties, Shazzer argues, the balance of power subtly shifts. Even the most outrageous minxes lose their nerve, wrestling with the first twinges of existential angst: fears of dying alone and being found three weeks later half-eaten by an Alsatian.
Helen Fielding
#66. Went to Jude's party tonight in a tight little black dress to show off figure feeling v. full of myself ...
... There's nothing worse than people telling you you looked tired. They might as well have done with it and say you look like five kinds of shit.
Helen Fielding
#67. Clearly in textbook terms, the gentleman should text the lady first after intercourse, but perhaps the whole socio-etiquettical system breaks down when an insect plague is involved.
Helen Fielding
#69. Eventually, I manage to cheer Mum up by allowing her to go through my wardrobe and criticize all my clothes ...
Helen Fielding
#70. All got really plastered after that. Was completely fantastic evening. As Tom said, if Miss Havisham had had some jolly flatmates to take the piss out of her she would never have stayed so long in her wedding dress.
Helen Fielding
#71. A woman has her needs. What good is a mother to her poor children if she's suffering from low self-esteem and sexual frustration? If you don't get laid soon, you will literally close up. More importantly, you will shrivel. And you will become bitter.
Helen Fielding
#72. I come from Yorkshire in England where we like to eat chip sandwiches - white bread, butter, tomato ketchup and big fat french fries cooked in beef dripping.
Helen Fielding
#73. Call me old-fashioned, but I did read in Glamour that one's shorts should always be longer than one's vagina.
Helen Fielding
#74. Bridget. Sleeping with a twenty-nine year old off Twitter on the second date is not 'rather like in Jane Austen's day'. (Talitha)
Helen Fielding
#75. Exes should never, never go out with or marry other people but should remain celibate to the end of their days in order to provide you with a mental fallback position.
Helen Fielding
#76. I think it would be much more sensible if resolutions began generally on January the second.
Helen Fielding
#77. No one is thinking about you. They're thinking about themselves, just like you.
Helen Fielding
#78. Comedy tends to come out of things which are quite painful and serious.
Helen Fielding
#79. I am a child of Cosmopolitan culture, have been traumatized by supermodels and too many quizzes and know that neither my personality nor my body is up to it if left to its own devices. I can't take the pressure.
Helen Fielding
#80. I certainly think I'll end up writing about America in some form. I've taken plenty of notes. I like America very much.
Helen Fielding
#81. I made my excuses and left, thinking, really, after a certain age, people are just going to do what they're going to do and you're either going to accept them as they are or you're not.
Helen Fielding
#82. E were always taught, instead of waiting to be swept off our feet, to 'expect little, forgive much'.
Helen Fielding
#83. I will not get upset over men, but instead be poised and cool ice-queen.
Helen Fielding
#84. It was technological and black and thin and therefore Evil, but ... it was also a book.
Helen Fielding
#86. Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess, with a very bad man between her thighs ... Mum ... Hi.
Helen Fielding
#87. I will not fall for any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, people with girlfriends or wives, misogynists, megalomanics, chauvists, emotional fuckwits or freeloaders, perverts.
Helen Fielding
#88. You'll never get a boyfriend if you look like you wandered out of Auschwitz.
Helen Fielding
#89. HARHARBLOODY HAR. Put that in your pipe hole and smoke it, society!
Helen Fielding
#90. I always market research my books before I hand them in by showing them to five or six close friends who I trust to be honest with me, so they are very heavily re-written already.
Helen Fielding
#91. But if you are single the last thing you want is your best friend forming a functional relationship with somebody else.
Helen Fielding
#94. It's all chop-change chop-change with you. Either go out with me and treat me nicely, or leave me alone. As I say, I am not interested in fuckwittage.
Helen Fielding
#95. Am going to cook shepherd's pie for them all - British home cooking.
Helen Fielding
#96. One must not live one's life through men but must be complete on oneself as a woman of substance.
Helen Fielding
#97. Funny how at twenty-five you worry about not being taken seriously and take being a sex object for granted. Later you take being taken seriously for granted, and worry about not being a sex object.
Helen Fielding
#98. Work - once merely an annoying nuisance - has become an agonizing torture.
Helen Fielding
#99. Thank you, Daniel, that is very good to know. But if staying here means working within 10 yards of you, frankly, I'd rather have a job wiping Saddam Hussein's arse.
Helen Fielding
#100. I've had a lot of books rejected in my time. My first novel, which didn't get published, was, with hindsight, crashingly dull.
Helen Fielding
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