Top 100 Demetri Martin Quotes
#1. I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
Demetri Martin
#2. Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
Demetri Martin
#3. If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.
Demetri Martin
#4. I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.
Demetri Martin
#5. Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
Demetri Martin
#6. To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
Demetri Martin
#7. I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
Demetri Martin
#8. Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
Demetri Martin
#10. When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.
Demetri Martin
#11. A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.
Demetri Martin
#12. I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
Demetri Martin
#13. But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.
Demetri Martin
#15. Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.
Demetri Martin
#16. I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
Demetri Martin
#17. I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
Demetri Martin
#18. There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.
Demetri Martin
#19. Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.
Demetri Martin
#20. You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings.
Demetri Martin
#21. Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
Demetri Martin
#22. If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.
Demetri Martin
#23. I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?
Demetri Martin
#24. They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
Demetri Martin
#25. The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.
Demetri Martin
#26. I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
Demetri Martin
#27. When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I'll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball." So I'd try. "Conclusion: I cannot play basketball."
Demetri Martin
#28. I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
Demetri Martin
#29. Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?
Demetri Martin
#30. I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
Demetri Martin
#31. Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
Demetri Martin
#32. I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
Demetri Martin
#33. A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.
Demetri Martin
#34. I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.
Demetri Martin
#35. I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
Demetri Martin
#37. To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.
Demetri Martin
#38. If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
Demetri Martin
#39. I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed
Demetri Martin
#40. Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else ...
Demetri Martin
#41. I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention.
Demetri Martin
#42. You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
Demetri Martin
#43. The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
Demetri Martin
#44. The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
Demetri Martin
#45. It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.
Demetri Martin
#46. I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.
Demetri Martin
#47. I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying."
Demetri Martin
#49. I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
Demetri Martin
#50. In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.
Demetri Martin
#51. I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.
Demetri Martin
#52. A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
Demetri Martin
#53. Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
Demetri Martin
#54. Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.
Demetri Martin
#56. If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.
Demetri Martin
#57. One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.
Demetri Martin
#58. A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
Demetri Martin
#59. You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
Demetri Martin
#60. I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.
Demetri Martin
#61. Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
Demetri Martin
#63. There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.
Demetri Martin
#64. I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music ... I gotta carry the show, that's the problem.
Demetri Martin
#65. I think bears and worms aren't very similar ... until you think of gummy.
Demetri Martin
#66. I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.
Demetri Martin
#67. I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
Demetri Martin
#68. When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
Demetri Martin
#69. I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.
Demetri Martin
#70. Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ass I am.'
Demetri Martin
#71. I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
Demetri Martin
#72. I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
Demetri Martin
#73. Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
Demetri Martin
#74. I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs and Veal.
Demetri Martin
#75. The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Demetri Martin
#76. I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
Demetri Martin
#77. When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.
Demetri Martin
#78. Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
Demetri Martin
#79. Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
Demetri Martin
#80. I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
Demetri Martin
#81. The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.
Demetri Martin
#82. I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.
Demetri Martin
#83. I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
Demetri Martin
#84. If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
Demetri Martin
#85. My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but ... what a dork.
Demetri Martin
#86. I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.
Demetri Martin
#87. The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
Demetri Martin
#89. Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries ... They Die.
Demetri Martin
#90. Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.
Demetri Martin
#91. A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
Demetri Martin
#92. A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
Demetri Martin
#93. When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?
Demetri Martin
#94. A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.
Demetri Martin
#95. To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
Demetri Martin
#96. Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.
Demetri Martin
#97. It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.
Demetri Martin
#99. After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived reasonably well for a while.
Demetri Martin
#100. I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
Demetri Martin
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