Top 88 Dave Attell Quotes
#1. When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.
Dave Attell
#2. Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.
Dave Attell
#3. Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.
Dave Attell
#4. I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
Dave Attell
#6. Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?
Dave Attell
#7. For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
Dave Attell
#8. You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
Dave Attell
#9. Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
Dave Attell
#10. I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
Dave Attell
#11. You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."
Dave Attell
#12. Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
Dave Attell
#13. I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
Dave Attell
#14. Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
Dave Attell
#15. Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.
Dave Attell
#16. You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?
Dave Attell
#17. You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
Dave Attell
#18. I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
Dave Attell
#19. I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
Dave Attell
#20. I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.
Dave Attell
#22. You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance ... the day has begun.
Dave Attell
#23. I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother ... that's all they need.
Dave Attell
#25. I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
Dave Attell
#26. I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.
Dave Attell
#27. Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
Dave Attell
#28. Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
Dave Attell
#29. Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
Dave Attell
#30. I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes.
Dave Attell
#31. I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
Dave Attell
#33. I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.
Dave Attell
#34. I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
Dave Attell
#35. Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
Dave Attell
#36. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
Dave Attell
#37. For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
Dave Attell
#38. Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? 'Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!'
Dave Attell
#39. What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
Dave Attell
#40. Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
Dave Attell
#41. I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.
Dave Attell
#42. Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.
Dave Attell
#43. Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
Dave Attell
#44. Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.
Dave Attell
#45. I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.
Dave Attell
#46. If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.
Dave Attell
#47. The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa ... Write it down!
Dave Attell
#48. I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
Dave Attell
#49. You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
Dave Attell
#50. I smoke so much. Three packs a day ... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
Dave Attell
#51. Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend's a guy who will help you move. A best friend's a guy who will help you move a body. That's how I look at it.
Dave Attell
#52. It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
Dave Attell
#53. Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.
Dave Attell
#54. I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
Dave Attell
#55. The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. "Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don't run away!"
Dave Attell
#56. If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
Dave Attell
#58. Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
Dave Attell
#59. If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
Dave Attell
#60. My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?
Dave Attell
#61. So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Dave Attell
#63. I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle ... then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.
Dave Attell
#64. I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
Dave Attell
#65. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.
Dave Attell
#66. Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.
Dave Attell
#67. My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.
Dave Attell
#68. She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
Dave Attell
#69. Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.
Dave Attell
#70. I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so ... I'm not kiddin!
Dave Attell
#71. My day jobs ... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
Dave Attell
#72. I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.
Dave Attell
#74. Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
Dave Attell
#75. Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
Dave Attell
#77. Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!
Dave Attell
#78. There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.
Dave Attell
#80. Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one sick man, and it's up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.
Dave Attell
#81. Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
Dave Attell
#82. When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.
Dave Attell
#83. I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
Dave Attell
#84. A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.
Dave Attell
#85. You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
Dave Attell
#86. A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that's pretty much what you're supposed to do with jokes. You're not supposed to take it any further than that.
Dave Attell
#87. Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.
Dave Attell
#88. I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.
Dave Attell
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