Brian Spellman Quotes & Sayings

#1. My son, I don't believe in God, prayer, afterlife or miracles. You may disagree with me on all of these. I'd prefer that you agree and reserve rebellion and independence over important issues instead.

Brian Spellman

#2. Peace ain't worth fighting for.

Brian Spellman

#3. The early worm gets bird shit.

Brian Spellman

#4. A broken shoelace can strangle me.

Brian Spellman

#5. Billions of years before twelve step groups, God committed shotgun suicide. Today wall scrapings share His gratitude stories.

Brian Spellman

#6. A woman drove me to drink. I don't drink and drive.

Brian Spellman

#7. A good night's sleep counts healthy sheep.

Brian Spellman

#8. There's an ad for every vice. That's advice.

Brian Spellman

#9. It's no longer time to take sides for or against race, rather sides against those who still do.

Brian Spellman

#10. A bind is when you're quadriplegic, suicidal about that and unable to persuade your best friend to murder you.

Brian Spellman

#11. The fine line between genius and madness is a punch line. Duck, you idiot!

Brian Spellman

#12. It's not how I take tragic news but how I make tragic views that unscrews me.

Brian Spellman

#13. Spare the rod and spoil the Memorial Day rotisserie.

Brian Spellman

#14. Wait now or wait, wait later.

Brian Spellman

#15. If at first you don't concede, try, try a gun.

Brian Spellman

#16. Psychiatrists urge me to take my tranquilizers. When I don't they become agitated. I take their pills to calm them down.

Brian Spellman

#17. People always switched on turn me off.

Brian Spellman

#18. It's a free country." Inmates once bought this. That's why they're inmates.

Brian Spellman

#19. Nostalgia was never what it used to be.

Brian Spellman

#20. My secret to maintaining a youthful appearance? Immaturity.

Brian Spellman

#21. I awoke to a daymare. Life.

Brian Spellman

#22. I was accused of always acting superior. Always means being, not acting.

Brian Spellman

#23. Allow me to contradict my clarifications and in no time we'll get to the bottom of nothing.

Brian Spellman

#24. Always go with your first impetuosity.

Brian Spellman

#25. My abs are normal - McAmerican.

Brian Spellman

#26. To Americans, either/or means both.

Brian Spellman

#27. When the only rule is there are no rules becomes literal, we'll all become illiterate and unable to offend one another at all.

Brian Spellman

#28. The pill for Insurance Deficit Disorder - aspirin.

Brian Spellman

#29. Absence makes the mind go yonder.

Brian Spellman

#30. I can't answer you in a nutshell. We wouldn't fit unless we saw the same shrink.

Brian Spellman

#31. First, let me finish. Then interrupt.

Brian Spellman

#32. If you want to commit suicide why tell anyone? They'd ruin everything.

Brian Spellman

#33. I've been coerced into free will.

Brian Spellman

#34. I love objectivity when mine.

Brian Spellman

#35. I dreamed of being special then awoke to be unique.

Brian Spellman

#36. Suicide solves midlife crises.

Brian Spellman

#37. A CEO is known by the company he reaps.

Brian Spellman

#38. Ignorance is bliss. Wisdom is blisters.

Brian Spellman

#39. We contradict all for which we stand for we all stand for the lie the whole lie and nothing but the lie so help save our lying asses.

Brian Spellman

#40. War makes persons special, peoples cheap.

Brian Spellman

#41. The shot glass is half drunk.

Brian Spellman

#42. You can't stop a man from stopping himself.

Brian Spellman

#43. I learned to smile, avoiding happiness advice.

Brian Spellman

#44. Kindness knows no kind.

Brian Spellman

#45. I can't name just one example. Then there's only one.

Brian Spellman

#46. I'm nostalgic for a better tomorrow.

Brian Spellman

#47. If you only go around once in life, then why has that one gone around more than once?

Brian Spellman

#48. Life imitates art and art imitates life until both imitate imitation - Reality TV.

Brian Spellman

#49. They safely cured the world of sadness, wiser the Pfizer for it?

Brian Spellman

#50. I think I think too much too.

Brian Spellman

#51. I couldn't stop so I quit.

Brian Spellman

#52. I overreacted to praise, signing an autograph. I'd write a check to buy it back.

Brian Spellman

#53. There is a meaning of life but I've been sworn to secrecy.

Brian Spellman

#54. Nice days are more unsafe. There are more of them.

Brian Spellman

#55. Life is short unless agony is long.

Brian Spellman

#56. On the plus side, life doesn't add up.

Brian Spellman

#57. Honesty is the best insurance policy.

Brian Spellman

#58. Our archaeological ancestry lost hair while growing sweat glands to reduce panting in the hot African sun. One outcome evolved the origin of our speech. Another conquered our ability to shut the hell up and listen. Now? Politicians grunting "On the Origin of Speeches" past one another.

Brian Spellman

#59. The glass is three fifths full of gas.

Brian Spellman

#60. Don't hold grudges. Life's too long.

Brian Spellman

#61. Of course I had to talk to myself. I had no prayer God. I had no prayer doG. Why not reverse bark and froth and recite verse?

Brian Spellman

#62. They're good but not all as good as each other.

Brian Spellman

#63. The first casualty of war is casual wear.

Brian Spellman

#64. I can't prove it yet know it when I seem it.

Brian Spellman

#65. 90% of life is showing up. I'm staying home to wait for the other 10%.

Brian Spellman

#66. Again, your name? I was psychoanalyzing your face.

Brian Spellman

#67. With good morality first candidates you'll get bad candor, bad ethics, bad loyalty and bad morality - lastly bad odor will surface to save the day if you maintain good optimism like I do.

Brian Spellman

#68. That's art. Nothing is for everybody.

Brian Spellman

#69. Where have you been all of your life?

Brian Spellman

#70. Paradoxes only stump sane people. Nuts have irrational on our side.

Brian Spellman

#71. He who laughs last laughs ... doesn't get it.

Brian Spellman

#72. If the mind fits, shrink it.

Brian Spellman

#73. The shot glass is half smashed.

Brian Spellman

#74. I hate feeling hate but feeling nothing feels worse.

Brian Spellman

#75. Okay, you won our shitty little argument. Pass the world.

Brian Spellman

#76. I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up - late.

Brian Spellman

#77. Fear of curiosity kills the cat ... slowly.

Brian Spellman

#78. As one mouth closes, another always opens.

Brian Spellman

#79. I assume therefore I think I think yet still don't know a goddamn thing.

Brian Spellman

#80. Swallowed my pride and shit lions.

Brian Spellman

#81. I forgot what I was going to think.

Brian Spellman

#82. Honest I'm a liar. Believe me?

Brian Spellman

#83. Feed a squirrel and he'll leave you alone every day.

Brian Spellman

#84. If life was fair ... one third of the people would comprise of judges and lawyers ... one third of police and prison officials ... and one third of legislators ... and one third more to make the other three thirds make any sense at all .... Thank goodness for no fair.

Brian Spellman

#85. All surgery and no makeup make Jack a dull girl.

Brian Spellman

#86. I recovered from recovering so no longer celebrate not doing bad things to defend myself as good. I added new bad for good measure.

Brian Spellman

#87. Too many crooks spoil the Roth.

Brian Spellman

#88. If you see me standing on my head, I'm trying to cheer you up with my frown. I need my honesty, you my pleasantry.

Brian Spellman

#89. When all seems hopeless, cross your fingers and stick with the secular prayer.

Brian Spellman

#90. My psychiatrist diagnosed me a Hypochondriac. I said, "Okay, can you prescribe me a placebo?"

"Not for Type-2 Hypochondriacs," he said. Your types would just fake faking. Then we'd have a real problem.

Brian Spellman