Top 100 Adam Carolla Quotes
#1. If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.
Adam Carolla
#2. I guess my feeling is is that if you're going to make a joke, that's fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you're trying to make.
Adam Carolla
#3. Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.
Adam Carolla
#4. By the way, in that same session an ad popped up that said, "Tired of masturbating?" I thought, "Nope. Try me again in about one-hundred-fifty years.
Adam Carolla
#5. Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We're always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.
Adam Carolla
#6. It's something I've always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing.
Adam Carolla
#7. Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.
Adam Carolla
#8. I think we're getting to the point where everyone's getting fat and everyone's getting allergic, or claims to be allergic to something and people can't walk from their front door to their car without a bottle of water in their hand because they have to hydrate every three and half steps.
Adam Carolla
#9. There are children in Africa that go to bed without a buzz.
Adam Carolla
#10. I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.
Adam Carolla
#11. My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.
Adam Carolla
#12. I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.
Adam Carolla
#13. No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.
Adam Carolla
#15. If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.
Adam Carolla
#16. You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.
Adam Carolla
#17. I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
Adam Carolla
#18. I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.
Adam Carolla
#19. I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.
Adam Carolla
#20. I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.
Adam Carolla
#21. Nowadays, telling your wife "I have to work" gets you a disappointed sigh. This is the worst period in history to be a dad. It used to be that if you worked and provided that was enough.
Adam Carolla
#22. People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.
Adam Carolla
#23. If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course ... Real estate values go 'boom!'
Adam Carolla
#24. I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.
Adam Carolla
#25. I don't know that I appreciate things more because of how I grew up, but I am very realistic with what I expect out of people and what they expect out of me.
Adam Carolla
#26. I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.
Adam Carolla
#27. I'm just a normal guy with some good solid common sense who has zero tolerance for those with zero intelligence.
Adam Carolla
#28. Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.
Adam Carolla
#30. I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.
Adam Carolla
#31. The truth is we're all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else's book. We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.
Adam Carolla
#32. Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.
Adam Carolla
#33. If the media isn't slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?
Adam Carolla
#34. The very definition of 'beauty' is outside.
Adam Carolla
#35. I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.
Adam Carolla
#37. If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.
Adam Carolla
#38. If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?
Adam Carolla
#40. Now the only thing we have on our hands is too much time, and we're turning on ourselves.
Adam Carolla
#42. Unfinished Beer Guy: I can't tell you how many times I've had a party on a Saturday night, and then walk around for an hour on Sunday morning, tearfully emptying 2,600 unfinished beers. I feel like the guys who removed the bodies from a Civil War battlefield.
Adam Carolla
#43. When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!
Adam Carolla
#44. Now the poles have gotten so far apart that anyone who isn't officiating a gay wedding at a Whole Foods is considered to be to the right of Rush Limbaugh.
Adam Carolla
#46. If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.
Adam Carolla
#47. Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
Adam Carolla
#50. I think the government is incompetent, not evil.
Adam Carolla
#51. Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show.
Adam Carolla
#52. Screw guilt
I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn't bother me. I'm an atheist!
Adam Carolla
#53. You should never say to a superior, "I did my best," when you fuck up, because you are then declaring you are a fuckup. Your best is fucking up. If that's the case I'd hate to see you on a bad day when you were only putting in 50 percent. The answer is not "I did my best," it's "I'll do better.
Adam Carolla
#54. I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.
Adam Carolla
#55. It's like the guy who announces his wife is his best friend. He doesn't mean it; he just does it to make the rest of us look like assholes.
Adam Carolla
#56. Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.
Adam Carolla
#57. I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the 'Every vote counts.'
Adam Carolla
#58. I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.
Adam Carolla
#59. All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.
Adam Carolla
#60. To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can't you do.
Adam Carolla
#61. Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.
Adam Carolla
#62. I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial.
Adam Carolla
#63. I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.
Adam Carolla
#64. I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.
Adam Carolla
#65. It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.
Adam Carolla
#66. Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.
Adam Carolla
#67. As a kid, did you think when you grew up you'd be spoken to as if you were still in preschool? When did it become okay to treat adults this way?
Adam Carolla
#68. People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.
Adam Carolla
#69. Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.
Adam Carolla
#70. The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don't have a compelling host then you have nothing.
Adam Carolla
#71. I've always boxed, I always taught boxing.
Adam Carolla
#72. The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.
Adam Carolla
#73. Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.
Adam Carolla
#74. Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?
Adam Carolla
#75. Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.
Adam Carolla
#76. He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.
Adam Carolla
#77. When you're doing a radio show, you can express yourself.
Adam Carolla
#79. When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn't imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I'm gone for six days it feels like too much.
Adam Carolla
#82. I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend ... I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.
Adam Carolla
#83. I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.
Adam Carolla
#84. If you want to know where someone is at physically, mentally, financially, and spiritually, look at where they're living.
Adam Carolla
#85. A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it's not a great way to go.
Adam Carolla
#86. People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'
Adam Carolla
#87. You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.
Adam Carolla
#88. Life is just the time between crapping yourself.
Adam Carolla
#89. They're not vegetarians because they love cows and pigs, it's because they love attention.
Adam Carolla
#90. This silliness always starts with celebrities and then spreads to the common folk.
Adam Carolla
#91. California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.
Adam Carolla
#93. The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.
Adam Carolla
#94. My feeling is this whole country is founded on the principle of 'if you are not hurting anyone, and you're not fucking with someone else's shit, and you are paying your taxes, you should be able to just do what you want to do.' It's the freedom and the independence.
Adam Carolla
#95. You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.
Adam Carolla
#96. I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.
Adam Carolla
#98. People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.
Adam Carolla
#99. I've got a great eye for color. I'm like a chick.
Adam Carolla
#100. When you do television, there's more to do, and when you do new television, there's a lot more to do, especially when you don't have partner. I miss not having that person.
Adam Carolla
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